Eva Longoira Likes to Shop

Eva Longoria went on a £35,000 shopping spree as she opened the Harrods Winter Sale on Thursday (28.12.06). To top it off, she kicked a homeless guy on the way to her car.

Niki Taylor Marries

Model Niki Taylor and NASCAR driver Burney Lamar have tied the knot. They share a mutual interest in car crashes.

Not That I Have a Log

A Des Moines man faces charges for a fight that left two men injured, which may have involved an unusual weapon, a log. Must be a big fan of 'Twin Peaks.'

Giving Birth on the Train

A high-speed train had to make an unscheduled stop when a woman gave birth to a baby in the restaurant car, officials said Thursday. The train conductor immediately collected fare for the extra passenger.

Stolen Car

A carjacking suspect called 911 and turned himself in to police after he crashed a stolen sport utility vehicle twice and got lost while fleeing the crime scene, authorities said. Another reason not to put a GPS system in your car.

Stuck in an Elevator

A 19-year-old woman who disappeared was found stuck in an elevator in a suburban Paris housing project for three days, the French press reported Friday. She still smelled better than most Frenchmen.

Beckham Can't Act

Victoria Beckham has admitted she "can't act to save her life". Can't sing either.

Rocky Balboa

Sylvester Stallone has said filming the sixth Rocky movie was more painful than making the first five films combined. But only half as painful as watching Rocky V.

Gossip Columnist Sentenced

Former Us Weekly gossip columnist Timothy McDarrah, arrested in New York last year by undercover federal agents, has been found guilty of charges related to soliciting sex with a minor. Apparently McDarrah does not watch NBC at 8:00 on Saturday nights.

John Edwards for President

Former Democratic vice presidential nominee John Edwards is running for president, his campaign said yesterday. He is looking forward to his best possible income, third place in the Democratic primary.

Latex-covered Strippers

Topless dancers in Alabama aren't really topless -- dancers are spraying themselves with skin-colored latex. Good news guys, no more condoms.

Seth Meyers' Birthday

"Comedian" Seth Meyers is 33 today. He is not old enough to remember 'Saturday Night Live' when it was still on the air.

Gerald Ford No Like Iraq

President George W. Bush and his top advisers made a "big mistake" in their justification for invading Iraq, Gerald Ford told journalist Bob Woodward in an interview embargoed until after the former president's death. Between 'Deep Throat' and Ford, Woodward's pretty good at getting scoops from dead guys.

Priest Tackles Teenager

A Roman Catholic priest tackled a teenage boy he found rummaging through a church rectory Tuesday, foiling a theft attempt, police said. He then rummaged through the boy's rectum.

Man Drinks During Arrest

Police say a man, Patrick Allain, 35, they pulled over for driving drunk continued to swig his beer during his arrest. His geneology showed a direct link to the Kennedys.

Blasting Loud Music

A Japanese woman charged with inflicting injury on her neighbor by blasting rock music at her house for 2 1/2 years was given a 20-month prison term, a court official said. At least we now know who the one person was that bought the Kevin Federline album.

Missing Body Found

The body of a U.S. climber missing for more than a month has been found on a remote mountain in southwestern China while a second climber is still missing and presumed dead, a rescue coordinator said Wednesday. The body would have been found earlier but the rescue vehicle was driven by a Chinese guy.

Kidman and Urban Reunite

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have reunited in the actress' hometown of Sydney after the Australian-reared country singer completed treatment for alcohol abuse, media reports said Wednesday. A toast to the happy couple.

Heroin and Infants

A 31-year-old father is scheduled to be arraigned in New Bedford District Court today after police say they found over 15 grams of heroin in a car with his infant son. It is the sign of a great father when he is willing to take the rap to cover for his son.

Gerald Ford Died

Gerald R. Ford Jr., the 38th president of the United States died yesterday. Chevy Chase is officially irrelevant.

Ben Stiller and his Zipper

Ben Stiller has confessed the famous zipper accident in 'There's Something About Mary' was based on his own experience. No it wasn't.

Comedians Donating Food

Paul Rodriguez, Dane Cook, Paul Mooney, John Lovitz and other comedians dished out a free Christmas meal and a side of standup to more than a thousand people at a comedy club. Then everyone fell asleep. It is unsure what caused the slumber, the turkey or Dane Cook.

Gallagher Being Sued

Comedian Gallagher, known for smashing watermelons during his performances, was accused of shoving an audience member and now faces a lawsuit. Serves the audience member right for going to a Gallagher show.

Robin Williams' New Movie

After spending two months ensconced quietly in an Oregon rehab program, Robin Williams is back making laughs onscreen. Back? The next person that laughs at Robin Williams will be the first.

Mall Shooting

Two men charged in a deadly Christmas Eve mall shooting were ordered held without bail Tuesday as police tried to determine the motive in the killing that set off panic among holiday shoppers. Motive? There were zombies everywhere. Hasn't anyone seen 'Dawn of the Dead'?

Robbing David Palmer

Breaking into a home apparently creates an appetite. The burglar who broke into David Palmer's house in this northeast Ohio town over the weekend took coins, a camera and other items and then stopped to make a sandwich, investigators say. I'd stop too if I was robbing the President.

Free Money

A woman hopped aboard buses, greeted passengers with "Merry Christmas" and handed each an envelope containing a card and a $50 bill before stepping off and repeating the process on another bus. If Oprah was not a huge hypocrite, she would be this woman.

Movie Gets Kids Expelled

Making a movie in which evil teddy bears attack a teacher got two budding filmmakers expelled from their high school. Couldn't have been any worse than 'Hostel.'

Boy Driving a Bus

A 15-year-old boy has been sentenced to four years in a juvenile treatment program after deputies stopped him driving a stolen bus along a public transit route, picking up passengers and collecting fares. Because he was so timely, he was sentenced for making the other drivers look bad.

Sandler Gives Gifts

Adam Sandler sent a Sony Playstation 3 loaded with games, signed DVDs, jerseys and an autographed "Longest Yard" poster to Stephanie and Kevin Hudon, two kids suffering from cancer. The Hudon siblings immediately sent back the DVDs.

Sandler Gives Gifts

Adam Sandler sent a Sony Playstation 3 loaded with games, signed DVDs, jerseys and an autographed "Longest Yard" poster to Stephanie and Kevin Hudon, two kids suffering from cancer. The Hudon siblings immediately sent back the DVDs.

Kevin Federline vs. John Cena

Kevin Federline is going to fight the World Wrestling Entertainment champion John Cena on New Year's Day - and is confident he will win. Either way, come January 2, an awful white rapper will be the WWE champion.

Harry Potter Dreaming

Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling says she has dreamed that she was the boy wizard as she writes the seven-book series' final installment -- work she says has left her feeling both "elated and overwrought." I dream that I am a giant panda bear that has sex with Scarlett Johannsen but you don't see my writing a crappy book.

Teenage Drug Use

Teens increasingly are getting high with legal drugs like painkillers and mood stimulants, and they're turning to cough syrup as well, says a government survey released Thursday. No shit.

John Edwards in NH

Former Sen. John Edwards will speak at an elementary school next week, over the objections of some city officials. Though he will not be reading 'My Pet Goat.'

Hibernating Man

A man who went missing in western Japan survived in near-freezing weather without food and water for over three weeks by falling into a state similar to hibernation, doctors said. Most people call it a coma.

Biting Baby's Toes

A woman jailed after four of her infant daughter's toes were gnawed off says the family's pet ferret did it, not their pit bull pup as police had said. But we all know pit bulls like to eat little piggies.

100 Million Passengers

A Taiwanese woman who arrived at John F. Kennedy International Airport on Wednesday was named the 100 millionth passenger of the year at the region's three major airports. The Taiwanese woman then gave a Delta pilot a $5 handjob.

Deval Patrick Hearts Special-Interests

Special-interest groups spent just under $4 million to support or oppose candidates for state office this year, the bulk of it geared to Democrat Deval Patrick's campaign, according to figures released Thursday by the Office of Campaign and Political Finance. But Deval said he was not a product of special interests? He lied? A politician lied? Say it ain't so, Deval.

Sean Penn: As Clever as Ever

Sean Penn warned an audience unless they challenge President Bush and Vice President Cheney over the Iraq war they will become "c*m stains". Little known fact, 100% of porn stars voted for Bush.

Jolie Hates Cheaters

Angelina Jolie says stealing another woman's husband is "one of the worst things you can do". Hey look, that kettle is black.

Britney Cheated

Britney Spears may have been cheating on Kevin Federline before she filed for divorce. I kept my mouth shut, so I do not know how this got out.

Baby Left Behind

A 3-month-old baby was left unattended in a shopping cart for about an hour Sunday when her parents accidentally left her behind, police said. Police did not know Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were back together.

Slim Cop

Michael Warren, a 20-year-old Wintersville resident who once tipped the scales at more than 300 pounds lost 125 pounds in 18 months to pursue a career in law enforcement. Now that he has been sworn in, he expects to swell right back up to 300.

X-Ray the Baby

A woman mistakenly put her 1-month-old grandson through an X-ray machine at Los Angeles International Airport, authorities said. It got weird when the X-ray machine discovered half a dozen balloons full of heroin shoved in the baby's anal cavity.

Miss USA Keeps Crown

Miss USA Tara Conner, who had come under criticism amid rumors she had been frequenting bars while underage, will be allowed to keep her title, Donald Trump announced Tuesday. She should be back to being a nobody by Wednesday at 2:31 p.m.

Trey Anastasio Arrested

Guitarist Trey Anastasio was accused of driving under the influence of drugs in an upstate New York town near the Vermont border early Friday. Yet another reason why Phish sucks.

Damon and Affleck: Together Again

Matt Damon is planning to work with Ben Affleck again. Affleck will cater the next 'Bourne Identity' movie.

Look What I Did

A man who parked illegally in a space reserved for handicapped drivers was sentenced to stand outside the store with a sign telling everyone about his crime. Good thing he was not arrested for exposing himself.

Killer Snake

A 13-foot boa constrictor wrapped itself around its owner's neck and killed the man in his home, authorities said. The man's tombstone will read: 'At least it wasn't a stingray.'

Smuggling Birds

U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents said Monday they seized seven birds from two men as they re-entered the United States from Canada via Buffalo's Peace Bridge. You know when you watch a magician and he makes birds disapper? Well, he plants them on random people crossing the border.

Christmas in Jail

Twenty-three people who took plea agreements to avoid prison time in Franklin County will get a taste of life behind bars this Christmas -- by spending the holiday in jail. They are said to be ecstatic to avoid their families.

Bad Crack

A North Carolina woman was arrested after complaining to a police officer that the crack cocaine she had just purchased wasn't very good, authorities said. Britney Spears will plead guilty to possession.

Britney Spears Has Two Nipples

Britney Spears flashed her nipples in another revealing outfit on Tuesday night. God Bless cocaine.

Tom Brady Single Again

US Weekly reported yesterday that Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan have broken up, ending a relationship that once seemed a good bet to end in wedded bliss. Tom, call me.

Pamela Anderson Likes to det Married

Pamela Anderson claims she would have married anybody this summer because she was in such a good mood. 'Good Mood' is latin for 'haven't been in the tabloids for two months.'

Guns in Schools

A Nevada state senator and also-ran in this year's Republican primary for governor says the Legislature should consider letting teachers carry guns in classrooms to stem a rise in school violence. After reading the pepper spray story, I think it's a helluva idea.

Pepper Spraying Kids

An elementary school pupil got ahold of pepper spray that was attached to a teacher's key chain Thursday and sprayed it in a crowded hallway, sending 14 children and a teacher to the hospital for treatment. Next time he is going to pull the fire alarm like a normal kid.

Nazi Cookies

An artist who was forced to remove his Nazi gingerbread men from the window of a hardware store has set up the display in an empty storefront in another town. I gotta admit, I got nothing.

Sick School

A stomach bug has sent at least 280 students and 12 staff members home sick today from an elementary school in Tewksbury. On Monday, students are encouraged to pack their own lunch.

Scarlett: Naked and Ignored

Scarlett Johansson claims nobody ogled her when she stripped off for the cover of Vanity Fair magazine. Well yeah, ever since I was banned from the Vanity Fair offices.

Bob Dylan Causes Suicide

Bob Dylan wants to stop the release of new film 'Factory Girl' because he believes it falsely implies he was responsible for Edie Sedgwick's suicide. Apparently he has never listened to his own music.

Brangelina: Family of Year

Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and their three children have been named 'Family of the Year'. The Hollywood couple - who met on the set of 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith' - were given the accolade by People magazine. So for all those dudes out there banging the hot chick at work behind your wife's back.. this award's for you.

Toilet Python

An Australian wildlife worker pulled a 7-foot python out of a septic tank Wednesday after a plumber found it hiding in a woman's toilet, officials said. Kids, don't flush baby snakes down the toilet. Haven't you ever seen 'Alligator'?

Peeing in a Bottle

A teacher who did not have time to escort three students to the restroom is under fire for allegedly telling them to urinate in a soda bottle. Next time, he is encouraged to have them piss on the floor like a bunch of dogs.

World's Smallest Dog

Brandy the Chihuahua is 6 inches long and weighs less that two pounds and according to Guinness, officially the Smallest Dog in the World. In China, she is known as an appetizer.

Stealing Baby Formula

Police say a man stole nearly $500 of baby formula at a supermarket then led police on a brief chase on Interstate 93. The baby apparently weights 370 lbs.

7-Legged Deer

Rick Lisko hunts deer with a bow but got his most unusual one driving his truck down his mile-long driveway. The young buck had nub antlers -- and seven legs. Ted Nugent is jealous.

Tori Spelling's Baby Boy

Tori Spelling is expecting a boy. He is expected to sell for $10,000 at her next estate sale.

Angelina and Brad

Angelina Jolie has confessed for the first time that she fell for Brad Pitt while he was still married. No shit.

Bob Barker Loves Elephants

Game show host Bob Barker will pledge $300,000 toward housing an elephant from the Los Angeles Zoo in an animal sanctuary, his publicist said Tuesday. He will then cut its balls off.

Amy Poehler's New Show

"Saturday Night Live" star Amy Poehler is bringing her comedy skills to a new arena: cartoons. The goal is to make the show as unwatchable as 'Saturday Night Live.'

Camp is Good

A former church camp leader was arrested on child pornography charges and accused of trying to coax girls, at least one of them a former camper, to pose partly naked or perform a sex act. Church officials were ecstatic that it is was girls.

Arresting Illegals

Gov. Mitt Romney signed an agreement with federal authorities Wednesday that allows Massachusetts State Police troopers to detain suspected illegal aliens they encounter over the course of their normal duties. The population of Lawrence is expected to drop 90% by 2008.

Mall Shopping

Forget Amazon.com and other online retailers - a new survey shows that two-thirds of respondents expect to do the majority of their holiday shopping at the mall. Shoppers cited Amazon.com's lack of 15-yeard old blondes walking around in mini-skirts.

Knievel Sues Kanyevel

Evel Knievel has sued Kanye West, taking issue with a music video in which the rapper takes on the persona of "Evel Kanyevel" and tries to jump a rocket-powered motorcycle over a canyon. Evel Knievel does not care about black people.

Underwood to Iraq

Country music star Carrie Underwood has signed up to entertain troops on her first United Service Organizations tour of the Persian Gulf. The hope is that she will remind the troops that being in Iraq is not so bad after all.

Lindsay Lohan: Stripper

Lindsay Lohan has been attending strip classes with her mother. Yeah, that's healthy.

Teen Gets 90 Years in Prison

A 17-year-old was sentenced yesterday to 90 years in prison for an hours-long attack on a boy who was beaten, kicked, stomped, burned, and sodomized with the plastic pole of a patio umbrella. It was either that or join the NYPD.

Kucinich Runs Again

Democratic Rep. Dennis Kucinich launched his second bid for president on Tuesday, a long-shot candidacy fueled by his frustration with his party's effort to end the Iraq war. The campaign is expected to boost Kucinich's speaking fee.

Black Congressman

On this date in 1870, Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina became the first black lawmaker sworn into the U.S. House of Representatives. He was said to be, "well-spoken."

City Hall for Sale

Mayor Thomas M. Menino proposed in a morning speech today to sell the current City Hall and City Hall Plaza to private developers and relocate the seat of city government to Drydock Four on the South Boston Waterfront. This is the first time money going to City Hall will be over the table.

Strip Club Shooting

Three people died and two police officers were shot this morning after a gunman wearing body armor and dressed head-to-toe in black stormed the Foxy Lady strip club in New Bedford and opened fire, police said. Too bad Axl Foley wasn't there with Taggert and Rosewood.

Nicolas Cage Pulling Back

After more than 55 films, Nicolas Cage plans to cut back on acting to pursue other interests. God Bless Nicolas Cage.

Nicole Richie Arrested

Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of alcohol, authorities said. Police knew she was drunk when they found her driving on the ceiling.

McCartney's Secret Settlement

Sir Paul McCartney will pay estranged wife Heather Mills £120million in a secret divorce settlement, it has been reported. He will then buy a dictionary and look up the word, 'secret.'

Ben Affleck's New Movie

Ben Affleck was terrified as he showcased his directorial debut to movie studio bosses yesterday. But not as terrified as the studio bosses were after watching it.

Man Stuck in Chimney

A man who was locked out of his house in this Denver suburb tried to get in by sliding down the chimney early Friday, but he got stuck and had to be rescued, authorities said. Over/Under on hearing stories like this over the next two weeks? Thirteen.

Girlfriend Steals to Impress Boyfriend

A married woman stole items worth tens of thousands of dollars in a string of burglaries to make her boyfriend think she had a high-paying job, authorities said. My girlfriend won't even throw away her junk mail.

Mo' Nique's Birthday

Actress-comedian Mo'Nique ("The Parkers") is 38 today. That is also her waist size.

Crashing Helicopters in Iraq

A U.S. Marine helicopter carrying 21 people made a hard landing in volatile Anbar province on Monday, injuring 18, the military said. It was the third U.S. military aircraft to go down in the province in two weeks. That is what happens when your helicopter flying instructer is Vic Morrow.

Kessel Being Treated

The Bruins say rookie center Phil Kessel is being treated for a medical issue not related to hockey. **Cough*** Vaginosis ***Cough***

Farrah Fawcett Says Thank You

Farrah Fawcett has said thank you to the fans who have supported her during her battle with cancer. Both were ecstatic.

Too Much No-Ice

Anti-icing chemicals meant to prevent crashes were blamed for sending trucks and cars sliding all over the road after too much of the slipper goo was shot onto interstate exit ramps in preparation for a storm. Officials in Fort Wayne, IN plan to stop using banana scented No-Ice.

ATV Park

A preliminary plan for the new state park at Jericho Lake in New Hampshire calls for 136 miles of trails for all-terrain vehicles, including a junior ATV trail and more than four miles of paths for four-wheel-drive vehicles. It will be called Vermont.

Barry Bonds' New Contract

Barry Bonds' agent said Thursday the free-agent slugger could sign a new contract whenever he wants. "He could snap his fingers and get a deal done," Jeff Borris said. Unfortunately, years of injecting cow steriods prevents Bonds from actually snapping his fingers.

Tight Clothes

Authorities in a Malaysian city have warned waitresses and female staff of retail outlets that they face a $138 fine if they wear revealing and tight fitting clothes, a news report said Tuesday. If they could add this policy to the 'Christmas Tree Shops,' I would be all for it.

Drunk on a Float

A man driving a float in the Anderson Christmas parade has been charged with drunk driving after he passed another float then sped down Main Street, police say. He was pulled over because he failed to use his directional.

Liam and Lennon

Liam Gallagher claims he was once visited by the ghost of his idol John Lennon. The former Beatle told him to stop.

Jackie Chan Porn

Jackie Chan starred in an adult film when he was a struggling actor. The martial arts expert, famous for his death-defying stunts, appeared in a Hong Kong made X-rated movie entitled 'All In The Family' 31 years ago when he was an unknown 21-year-old. It was a small part.

Hispanics in Arkansas

Gov. Mike Huckabee said Wednesday the nation is being given a chance to make up for past racism by the way it handles the influx of Hispanics. He said they will not 'be hung upside down with a fork up their a**.'

Deval Patrick Parties

Massachusetts Governor-elect Deval L. Patrick's supporters plan to accept donations from corporate and individual sponsors to pay for an inaugural celebration that is expected to cost about $1 million, more than any in state history, and stretch over five days next month, organizers said yesterday. Patrick wanted to get a head start on being a complete failure as governor.

New Year's Eve in Portland

After a run of 23 years, Portland's annual New Year's Eve festival has been canceled this year after organizers failed to turn up a corporate sponsor. So please, drink and drive instead.

Farting on a Plane

An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said. American Airlines will no longer serve food.

Michael Jackson Molestation Charges

Michael Jackson will not face new child molestation and fraud charges. However, the singer still stands accused of assault, battery, wilful misconduct, false imprisonment and sexual battery allegations brought by Daniel Kapon. I'm sorry, I lost track. Which kid is this again? They all start to blend together after the first 90 or so.

Taco Bell Will Make You Sick

An E. coli outbreak that has sickened at least 22 people was linked yesterday to three Taco Bell restaurants in New Jersey. That is their new record low.

Race in Schools

The Supreme Court justices, hearing arguments on school integration, signaled yesterday that they are likely to bar the use of race when assigning students to public schools. Somehow, I blame Michael Richards.

Stealing from the Boy Scouts

The Boy Scouts of Wayland, MA were galled yesterday to learn that someone had stolen as many as 50 of the 200 trees they had had shipped from Nova Scotia and had arrayed beside a church. Those Brownie bitches will pay.

ESPN Buys Another Network

ESPN agreed to buy cable channel NASN in an effort to broadcast more American sports in Europe. The goal is to have Londoners yelling 'boo-ya' by the end of 2007.

Serena Williams' Dog

A pit bull registered to tennis star Serena Williams allegedly nipped at a security guard's buttocks outside her home. The dog was then sold to Naomi Campbell.

Roman Polanski Honored

Roman Polanski was honored with a lifetime achievement award in the country of his childhood at the 19th annual European Film Awards. He was then seen celebrating with enough 12-year olds to fill an entire season of 'Dateline.'

Britney Goes to the Bathroom

Britney Spears and Brandon Davis were seen disappearing into the toilets at an exclusive Los Angeles nightspot. Can't a trainwreck, recently separated, mother of two do a little coke in peace anymore?

Drunk Baby

A 2-month-old girl was hospitalized with a blood-alcohol level more than four times the legal limit for an adult driver. Meet Baby Kennedy.

Kids at the White House

Dozens of children cashed in their equivalent of a golden ticket on Monday: a greeting from the president and a private showing of "Willy Wonka" at the White House. It got awkward when Chris Hansen jumped out of the oval office.

Nude Drive Thru

A teen accused of ordering from at least three fast food drive-thrus nude faces an indecent exposure charge. He claimed to be elminating the middle man, aka pants, for when the Arby's went through him.

Condom Art

A one-day art exhibit on the Indiana University campus includes works created from condoms. The display, called "Latexhibition," was created to mark World AIDS Day on Friday. Another case of Jackson Pollack being ripped off.

Bingo = Molestation

A man who pleaded guilty to molesting two girls told a judge he did it because of his wife's excessive bingo playing. Yet another reason to never get married.

Cruise's Mansion stinks

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' new British love nest is currently inhabitable - because it stinks of sewage... and publicity stunts.

Eva Longoria Engaged

Eva Longoria has got engaged to basketball star Tony Parker. The actress made the announcement on Thursday because it had been 11 days since she was last on 'Access Hollywood.' The couple plans on breaking up when season three of 'Desperate Housewives' is released on DVD.

Stealing Jokes

The "Tonight Show" host and NBC Studios have sued humor editor Judy Brown and her publishers in U.S. District Court, claiming that her collection of joke books has profited from material filched from his standup routines. Carlos Mencia has left the country.

Cooking a Dog

A man who burned a dog to death in the oven of a house he was robbing has been sentenced to 15 years in prison, a prosecutor said. No, he wasn't Chinese. Racist.

Growing Pot

Police say grow lights being used to help cultivate a small marijuana patch in the attic of a duplex were too close to the floor. They sparked a fire that sent ten people to the street around two o'clock this morning. Coincidentally, IHOP was packed with firemen later that morning.

Man Falls Asleep on 20th Floor

A window washer working on a downtown Nashville high-rise building apparently fell asleep on the job, authorities say. Apparently this dude does not suffer from nightmares where he is falling.

Mommy will be ready in 45 minutes

A man has been arrested after allegedly trying to force his estranged wife into an oven on Thanksgiving in front of their five children. The kids objected because they did not have a chance to stuff her first.

Tasering a Python

A police officer used a Taser to subdue a python that had wrapped itself around a man's arm and would not let go. Not about that wife of his...

Faking Cancer

A New Hampshire teacher who faked having cancer pleaded guilty to collecting $25,000 in unwarranted health benefits from teaching in New York and for trying unsuccessfully to get a $110,000 retirement payout. Fortunately, when she does get cancer, there will be nothing for the cancer to eat away because she has no soul.

Raising Money in Concord, MA

The Board of Selectmen in Concord, MA is considering a unique approach to raising money for government services this year -- a direct appeal to residents above and beyond property taxes. All part of the plan to perpetuate the Taxachusetts stereotype.

Nicole Kidman is Rich

Nicole Kidman is the queen of Hollywood when it comes to money. The Oscar winner, who earns as much as $17 million per movie, tops the fifth annual list of highest-paid actresses released Wednesday by The Hollywood Reporter. All part of Hollywood's master plan to lose money on every movie.

Al-Qaida in Somalia

Al-Qaida militants are operating with "great comfort" in Somalia, providing training and assistance to a radical military element loyal to the Islamic group that controls most of southern Somalia, a senior State Department official said Wednesday. U.S. officials plan on ignoring them and expect them to 'naturally die of starvation.'

Three 6 Mafia Riot

Rap group Three 6 Mafia has settled a lawsuit by a suburban Pittsburgh teenager who claimed he was severely beaten at a concert when fans followed lyrics of the song "Let's Start A Riot." The incident inspired several police officers to enter strip joints blaring N.W.A.

Glue on the Highway

A semitrailer carrying large drums of glue spilled part of its load onto a state highway Tuesday, causing the road to be closed for about three hours as crews worked to resolve the sticky situation. The crash was so severe that the trailer was actually carrying horses when it crashed.

Principal Kisses Feet

A former Roman Catholic school principal accused of kissing three male students' feet has pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor charges of sexual imposition. Can't a grown man kiss a child's foot anymore without getting arrested?

Poisoned Comdoms

Kimberly Lynn Dasilva, 49, of Hull, MA, a former strip club waitress, was sentenced Wednesday to five years of supervised release after she pleaded guilty to mailing threatening letters and flammable material, including condoms filled with a potentially explosive mixture, court documents said. By former, I hope that means 1978.

Poisoned Comdoms

Kimberly Lynn Dasilva, 49, of Hull, MA, a former strip club waitress, was sentenced Wednesday to five years of supervised release after she pleaded guilty to mailing threatening letters and flammable material, including condoms filled with a potentially explosive mixture, court documents said. By former, I hope that means 1978.

Poo Holes

Albert Pujols is upset he lost out to Philadelphia's Ryan Howard for the National League MVP award, saying Wednesday the honor should go to someone on a playoff team. He added the grapes he was eating were sour.

Michael Douglas Almost Falls

Michael Douglas, a benefactor of the Masterworks Museum of Bermuda Art, briefly lost his footing while standing in a cherry picker basket 25 feet above the ground for the "roof-wetting" Monday but managed to steady himself. Some call it a 'near-miss.' I call it a 'near-hit.'

Hazing in Vermont

A judge has dismissed hazing charges against four University of Vermont fraternity members accused of making prospective members wear cowboy outfits while they were taunted with homophobic language. The idiots getting hazed pay for that, it's 'harmless, college fun.' But if I go to a reputable dungeon and pay for that, I'm a weird-o.

Spray-Painting Goats

A Mahopac, NY man broke into a barn on Thanksgiving morning, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of pornographic magazines on the floor, apparently to harass the property owner, police said Tuesday. Why didn't John Cougar Mellencamp sing about this in 'Small Town'?

Fire Squirrel

One squirrel got a fiery surprise when it apparently got curious about a chimney. The squirrel fell down a chimney at a Two Rivers home and landed in a fire in a fireplace Monday night, said Two Rivers Assistant Fire Chief Gary Shavlik. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Helmet Fight

A homeowner stopped an alleged burglar by beating him into submission with a football helmet. He must have went to the University of Miami.

Kidman's Future Plans

Nicole Kidman says her dream is to quit acting to live on a paradise island with a huge family. Finally, Kidman and I have something I common. My dream is for her to quit acting. Unfortunately, that 'dream' is on hold as she is currently attached to five future movies.

Wilson Hudson Engagement

Owen Wilson is planning to propose to Kate Hudson, it has been claimed. The length of engagement will depend on the success of their next movies.

Microwave the Baby

An infant girl who died in August 2005 of a high body temperature might have been put in a microwave, and her mother has been charged in the death, authorities said Tuesday. They believe the baby was microwaved when they found the skin to be rubbery and the insides were too dry.

Mayor Fraud

T. Milton Street, the younger brother of Mayor John F. Street, was indicted Tuesday on tax and fraud charges involving $2 million worth of city contracts. Street has changed his name to Kennedy.

Supermarket Abuse

A Maine couple accused of abusing their 9-year-old son in a supermarket will get the boy and his younger sister back, a judge ruled. The judge also gave the parents a future 'get of jail free' card for justifiable homicide.

Pigeon Watching

Handlers from across New Mexico and west Texas presented 350 breeds of pigeons during the Pecos Valley Pigeon Club's fall show, a rare opportunity for pigeon enthusiasts from around the region to gather. Normally they would have to buy a plane ticket to New York.

Man Swallows Keys

A Russian man whom police stopped for allegedly driving drunk tried to swallow his keys then bit an officer as the officer tried to retrieve them, a Russian news agency reported Tuesday. The man was upset because the cop did not try to retrieve the keys through the drunk's mouth.

NBC's Civil War in Iraq

NBC's "Today Show" host Matt Lauer yesterday told millions of American television viewers, many sitting at their breakfast tables, that the network would buck the White House and from now on describe the Iraq war as a "civil war." Ever the source of hard news, the "Today Show" then ran a segment about the new found friendship of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton (a.k.a. Twit and Twat).

Lohan: Serial Dater

Lindsay Lohan says 'Sex and the City' inspired her to date a slew of men. Plus it gave her a convenient excuse for being a complete slut.

Two Boys Missing

Authorities called off a major ground search yesterday on the Red Lake Indian Reservation after they turned up no sign of two young brothers who have been missing since they went out to play Wednesday morning. They will continue to search the basements of all white men described as 'quiet.'

Groom Shot

Angry residents demanded to know yesterday why police officers killed an unarmed man on the day of his wedding, firing a hail of bullets that also wounded two of the man's friends. Police say they were just trying to save his life.

Babysitting Kidnapper

A babysitter was ordered held on $10,000 bail after failing to return a 1-year-old boy to his parents, buying a new cell phone and trying to leave the state, authorities said. She claims she was just very dedicated to her job.

Check Behind the Bookcase

A woman's body was found wedged upside-down behind a bookcase in the home she shared with relatives who had spent nearly two weeks looking for her. The relatives added, "we no read so good or ever."

Obama is Popular

Americans have the warmest feelings about former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Republican Sen. John McCain and Democratic Sen. Barack Obama, the poll by Quinnipiac University showed. 100% of those polled still have no idea why they like Obama, but cite that he "is so well-spoken."

Willzeger?

Bruce Willis is rumoured to be dating Renée Zellweger. The two plan on combining their scary-good talents to make the worst movie ever.

Gov. Urinal Face

When Adam Baker learned earlier this year that an artist from Washington would paint the official portrait of Nevada's outgoing governor, Baker took his own rejected portrait of Gov. Kenny Guinn to a bathroom in the state Capitol -- and photographed it above a urinal. Robert Mapplethorpe called it brilliant and the NEA gave him $100,000.

Woman Fakes Her Abduction

A 31-year-old woman is accused of faking her own abduction to win back an ex-boyfriend. Gretchen Morales was arrested Monday and charged with filing a false police report, child neglect and contributing to the delinquency of a child, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. She regrets not doing it during a slower news week because she could use the Larry King interview and book deal.

Non-Smoking Bigamist

A man who dresses up as a giant cigarette and uses hip-hop music to encourage children in Lynchburg and beyond to avoid smoking pleaded guilty Tuesday to bigamy. No word on what the outfit would be if he was encouraging abstinence.

Man Shot in La-Z-Boy

A man sitting in his easy chair was shot in the head by his wife, but the sturdy recliner absorbed most of the bullet's force and left him virtually unscathed. Another reason why women should not be in the military.

Boxing Orangutans

Dozens of orangutans trained to box each other in a Thai amusement park returned home Wednesday to start a new life in a jungle reserve on their native island of Borneo, officials said. They will now pursue ultimate fighting.

White Scholarship

Boston University's Republican students group has started a scholarship for white students, to spark debate about race-based programs. This should do wonders for the stereotype that young Republicans are angry, white guys.

Free Britney Spears Sex Tape

Britney Spears is planning to put her homemade sex video on the internet to stop estranged husband Kevin Federline cashing in on it. God bless her retardedness.

Tom Cruise Sings at His Wedding

Tom Cruise serenaded his new wife Katie Holmes with a rendition of 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling' during their wedding reception. He then played topless volleyball with a bunch of dudes.

Scralett Johansson Available

Josh Hartnett has been spotted enjoying a weekend with a mystery brunette - sparking rumours his relationship with Scarlett Johansson could be over. Scarlett, Call me.

95-Year Old Student

Like most students at Fort Hays State University, Nola Ochs plans to spend some time reading and studying during this week's fall break. But she'll take time out on Wednesday to celebrate her 95th birthday. She will then do a keg stand and get raped by a pack of frat boys.

Poison Sandwiches

An Ocean County woman who police say tried to poison her live-in sister and her sister's boyfriend by putting rat poison in their sandwiches has been charged with two counts of attempted murder. This is the second time the woman has been taken up on poison charges. Late last year she was charged after serving her sister a bologna sandwich.

Monster Truck Marriage

Throbbing throttles, pumping pistons and traction action ground to a halt as a longtime lover of monster trucks married her sweetheart in a dirt arena, amid rowdy spectators and crushed cars. They plan on renewing their vows at their family reunion early next year.

Pick Up Your Dog Sh*t

A quadriplegic man has filed a complaint in Los Angeles Superior Court against the Hermosa Beach police claiming he was thrown to the ground after a dispute over who would pick up his dog's feces. No word if the crap was ever picked up.

MBTA Improvements

The MBTA will announce today that it plans to spend $29 million to build a long-awaited bus maintenance building in Jamaica Plain, $15 million to repair three crumbling Red Line parking garages, and $6.5 million to make the Green Line's Science Park, Longwood, and Brookline Village stations more accessible. After 10:00 p.m., the trains will still smell like urine.

Eddie Murphy's Divorce

Eddie Murphy says a difficult divorce helped his performance in the upcoming movie "Dreamgirls." Mainly because it allowed him to nail every broad within eyesight without feeling as much remorse as he did when he was still married.

No More Marriages for Mills

Heather Mills has vowed to never marry again. In an interview with US TV show 'Extra', Heather said: "I haven't got a lover. At the moment I am focusing on my daughter. I will never marry again. I'm a good mother, I'm a good person." That was music to the ears of any other billionaire into chicks with one leg.

Kramer is a Racist

Michael Richards stunned a comedy club audience, shouting racial epithets at people who heckled him during a stand-up routine. He will now be opening for Andrew Dice Clay.

Premature Births

Six Kentucky hospitals will take part in a national study that will attempt to find better methods to cut premature birth rates. Step one is to cut down on premature pregnancies by banning all family reunions in the state.

Weightlifting Class

An Anderson County teenager has filed a lawsuit over her temporary dismissal from a weightlifting class by a principal who feared male students might try to rape her. She plans to argue that all the steroids injected by the male students renders their raping ability useless.

GPS is the Bomb

A small black object that was found attached to the bottom of a woman's Jeep and prompted an evacuation of a three-square block area on Friday wasn't a bomb after all. It was a tracking device planted by the woman's husband. At least the husband now knows who his wife is fu**ing.

Soccer Violence

A crossbow arrow was fired into a soccer stadium, whistling past one of the players and forcing the amateur game to be called off. The arrow read: GoldenPalace.com.

Tightwad Bank

A small-town bank that drew $2.2 million in deposits from around the country because of its unusual name, Tightwad Bank, will close Jan. 31. Remaining open will be the Giantwad Sperm Bank.

A Klansman's Birthday

Senator Robert Byrd, D-W.Va., is 89 today. Crosses will be lit on fire throughout West Virginia in his honor.

Deadly Bus Crash

A school bus carrying more than 30 high school students plunged 30 feet off an interstate Monday and overturned, killing two and injuring at least 23, seven of them critically, authorities said. According to the bus driver, Otto, the 30 foot drop is his new personal best.

Beyonce is Cheap

Beyonce Knowles, 25-year-old singer-and-actress, who has sold 50 million albums and appeared in a string of hit films, says she would rather invest her money than spend it on luxury cars or expensive jewellery. She does not like spending money on jewelry because any piece she wants is given to her for free.

Peter Gabriel Wins Peace Award

Peter Gabriel, founder of the rock group Genesis, received the annual "Man of Peace" award Friday from a foundation headed by former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. Attendees were treated to a surprise when Gabriel did not sing.

Bond to be Shown in China

Chinese censors have cleared the latest James Bond film "Casino Royale" to be shown in the country without asking for any changes, a movie executive said Friday. All was okay when Bond's love interest was found to have less than two children.

Leave the Baby in the Car

A Poland couple accused of leaving their 2-week-old baby in their parked car while they shopped at Wal-Mart are in hot water with the law. They are being charged with shopping at Wal-Mart.

Pollution = Shade

If the sun warms the Earth too dangerously, the time may come to draw the shade. The "shade" would be a layer of pollution deliberately spewed into the atmosphere to help cool the planet. This over-the-top idea comes from prominent scientists, among them a Nobel laureate. The same scientists claim that smoking is a good alternative to sun-tanning.

Grapes Eating Record

An American man caught 116 tossed grapes in his mouth in three minutes in what he hopes will become a new Guinness World Record, his publicity team said Thursday. He then hopes for a career in porn where he will catch tossed salads.

Camera is School

Police on Wednesday arrested two teenagers in Hollywood, FL, who they believe broke into their school last week and put glue in all the door locks. Investigators used surveillance video to help catch the pair. The cameras were installed last week for a school fund-raising project called http://www.teachersbangingstudents.com.

Dylan Walsh

Actor Dylan Walsh is 43 today. I still can not believe Dylan took Brenda's name when they got married on '90210.'

Nice Piggy

"I am an A--hole!"

George Clooney is Sexy

George Clooney is back on top after People magazine named the Oscar winner the "sexiest man alive" for the second time. Shut out again was Sam Cassell.

Bush Voodoo

A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and his entourage while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia. The President paid him no mind because George W. Bush does not care about black magic.

Spanish Burger King

Burger King should yank an ad campaign for its monster XXL burger -- the caloric equivalent of eating 10 fried eggs -- because it violates a Spanish initiative against obesity, the Health Ministry said Thursday. Also for removing the burger is the Sewer Department.

Chocolate is Good For You

A wayward band of chocoholics has accidentally proved to medical science what aficionados must have always hoped - that chocolate can be good for you. So says Dr. Hershey.

Clear Channel Sold

Clear Channel Communications Inc., the nation's biggest radio station owner, said Thursday it has agreed to be acquired for about $18.7 billion by an investment group led by Thomas H. Lee Partners LP and Bain Capital Partners LLC. Now you know the price of the devil's soul.

Detroit Shooting

Two men are suspected of shooting five people in the span of 10 minutes Thursday morning, killing two of them and wounded the others before fleeing on foot, police said. It is believed they beat their high score on 'Grand Theft Auto.'

U2 Wins Lawsuit

Irish rock band U2 emerged victorious Wednesday in a court battle with a former stylist it claimed had taken important memorabilia without permission nearly two decades ago. The most important piece of memorabilia was Bono's real hair.

Tom Cruise's Wedding

Tom Cruise has snubbed Oprah Winfrey by not inviting her to his wedding to Katie Holmes. Also not invited... this one kid who interviewed Tom Cruise as part of his school project.

Chinese Dogs

Beijing Dog owners have been scrambling to hide their pets in the face of a new crackdown which allows only one dog per household and bans breeds taller than 14 inches. This is what is known as a 'food surplus.'

e-Paper Trail

Citing the disputed vote in a Florida congressional district, Rep. Rush Holt, a Democratic lawmaker, on Wednesday urged Congress to approve his measure requiring a paper trail for electronic voting. He then admitted he did not know what 'electronic' meant.

Demons Made Me Do It

A New York woman told police she was overcome by "demons" when she smothered her 9-year-old son and then tried to kill herself by jumping in front of a subway. 'Demons' is legal speak for ape-sh*t crazy.

Bringing a Knife to School

A 5-year-old South Carolina kindergartner brought a folding pocket knife to school and faces expulsion, officials said Tuesday. The child will enroll in high school.

No Airplane Sex

A man arrested for allegedly engaging in "overt sexual activity" with his girlfriend on an airliner was lying with his head on her lap because he wasn't feeling well, his attorney said. He got motion sickness after banging his girlfriend.

Tsunami!

A powerful undersea earthquake prompted tsunami warnings Wednesday for Japan, Russia and Alaska, but the danger passed after a series of tiny waves hit the northern Japanese coast. News stations are pissed.

Reality Show Car Crash

Ms. Dynamite was recovering from a 100-mph crash that occurred during filming of "The Race," a car-racing reality show on Britain's Sky One TV network. Brian Johnson, lead singer of rock band AC/DC, struck the back of the British rapper's Formula Ford car at Silverstone racetrack in central England on Sunday. Johnson jumped out of his car and yelled, "You've been.... Thunder Struck!!"

Withdraw from Iraq

The nation's Catholic bishops, saying the United States needs to move past the "shrill and shallow debate" of last week's midterm Congressional elections, declared yesterday that the goal in Iraq should be justice and peace, rather than victory, and that the nation should withdraw its forces at the earliest opportunity, consistent with a responsible transition. Oh, and Chris Hansen should be eliminated.

Tons of Heroin

A raid on a New Milford, CT home netted $15 million in pure heroin, police said. Courtney Love could not be reached for comment.

Police Chief Quits

Barre, VT. police Chief Bill Waller didn't last long. He showed up for his first day of work Monday morning, and turned in his resignation at day's end. The stress of watching maple syrup drip from trees was too much.

Strip for Pie

Two Lenawee County Jail officers have been fired after authorities say they urged an inmate to strip and run naked around his cellblock in exchange for a piece of cherry pie. This is not what Warrant had in mind.

Rich Person Cruise

A matchmaking love boat cruise open only to male millionaires and "good-looking and desirable" women is slated to set sail later this month, a state-run Chinese newspaper said Tuesday. It is scheduled to go bankrupt early next month.

Welcome to the Social

"Welcome to the social." That's the slogan for Microsoft's new digital media player, the Zune, which hits stores today. And by social, Microsoft means you should wear headphones with music so loud you can not hear anything around you, while you avoid eye contact with other people on the subway.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Twelve gay and lesbian veterans appealed a federal judge's decision to throw out a lawsuit challenging the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. The good news is the book deals are still on the table.

Michael Jackson's Stalker

Michael Jackson is living in fear of his life after being stalked by a transvestite. He has removed all mirrors from his house.

Mick Jaggar's Dad

Sir Mick Jagger masked his grief during a Rolling Stones concert on Saturday after learning his beloved father Joe had died just a few hours earlier. Greed has a way of doing that.

Britney Spears Sex Tape

Britney Spears' estranged husband Kevin Federline is reportedly threatening to sell a homemade sex tape of the pair unless he receives £16 million and custody of their children. He then plans on selling his soul, again.

Denise Richards Throws a Laptop

Denise Richards has apologised for throwing a laptop over a balcony and nearly injuring an elderly lady. She did not apologize for 'Starship Troopers.'

Joseph Biden for President

Democratic Senator Joe Biden reaffirmed his intention to seek his party's nomination, though an announcement about establishing an exploratory committee probably will not come until early next year. Democratic strategists responded by saying, "Uh yeah. So how about that Barak Obama?"

Gerald Ford is Old

Gerald R. Ford has become the longest-living president in US history, surpassing Ronald Reagan, who died two years ago. Ford cites having beer and nachos with Homer Simpson as the key to his longevity.

Dead Candidate

A Democratic candidate for a county board who appeared in newspaper ads the weekend before the election sailed to victory with 12,000 votes -- despite being dead for a month. Yup, anyone who votes for a Republican is a dope.

Deer Stuck in Halloween Bucket

A deer whose head was stuck in a plastic Halloween jack-o'-lantern for nearly a week has freed itself and will be fine, animal rescuers said Saturday. Rescuers had planned to use a dart gun to tranquilize the yearling, then remove the bucket, meant for collecting candy. Not sure what they were waiting for. It has been a week.

Woman Shot 6 Times

A woman was released from the hospital a day after she was shot in the head six times in an attack police blamed on her ex-husband, Brazilian media reported Saturday. Another reason you should never buy a gun in Brazil.

Air Guitar T-Shirts

Scientists announced Monday that they have developed a high-tech T-shirt that turns the strumming of an air guitar into music. The T-shirt has motion sensors built into its elbows that pick up the wearer's arm motions and relay them wirelessly to a computer which interprets them as guitar riffs. All attendees at Linkin Park shows are encouraged to wear these shirts to drown out the band.

Pamela Anderson's Miscarriage

Pamela Anderson has suffered a miscarriage. The former 'Baywatch' star, who is married to Kid Rock, lost her baby last week. Doctors have ruled it a suicide.

Maggot Therapy

Veterinarians at Oklahoma State University Veterinary Hospital successfully used maggots to clear away dead flesh from a horse that had been bitten by a rattlesnake. The horse now sees a shrink four days a week.

12-Year Old Drives Car

A 12-year-old took his 7-year-old brother for a two-hour joy ride in the family car while their mother was napping. Instead of watching TV, like his mother thought he was doing, Kenny Rodriguez, accompanied by his brother, Miguel Pepin, cruised the busy Grand Central Parkway and even parallel parked before police finally found them at a friend's house. He is now teaching driver's ed because he is one of twelve people that can parallel park.

When Ostriches Attack

A pair of men are facing animal cruelty charges for allegedly shooting an ostrich that attacked them when they trespassed on a ranch on Halloween. In fairness to the men, the ostrich was giving out crappy candy.

Stolen Dog

Jerry Henderson watched helplessly out his kitchen window on Wednesday as someone snatched his Pomeranian from his front yard and drove off. It is being treated as a hate crime, as Henderson is clearly gay.

George Washington Beheaded

Vandals beheaded a statue of George Washington at one of the world's largest cathedrals and left a dollar bill on what was left of the neck, police said Friday. Thousands of homeless have now set up shop next to the Ben Franklin statue.

Bruins Waive Brookbank and Hoggan

Bruins forwards Wade Brookbank and Jeff Hoggan, both of whom have produced little in the early going of the new NHL season, were placed on waivers today, according to source with direct access to the NHL waiver wire. Good thing Peter Chiarelli was not the GM of the Buffalo Sabres in 1989. He would have put a Band-Aid on Clint Malarchuk's neck.

Bill Cosby Settles

Bill Cosby settled a lawsuit Wednesday with a woman who said the entertainer drugged and sexually assaulted her at his home outside Philadelphia. Michael Jackson applauded the move.

I Have Misplaced My Pants

Alitalia's female flight attendants will be allowed to swap their traditional skirts for trousers, breaking with half a century of rigid dress code at Italy's flagship carrier, a union said Thursday. Males will stap flap in the wind.

Shaving Eyebrows

A makeover and a trim led to assault charges against a teenager. Dallas R. Esparza, 16, of Cedar Rapids, is accused of shaving off the eyebrows of Shawn Weaver while he was unconscious, police said. He immediately joined Thi Kappa Delta.

Flaming Poop

John Kimberlin hopes to light a fire under his idea of using manure to produce heat and electricity. Kimberlin, of Waukee, believes he has perfected a small-scale furnace that can be used on farms, at racetracks, or anywhere else livestock waste piles up. The best use of the new furnace is put it in front of someone's door, ringing the bell, and running away.

Speeding in a Police Parking Lot

A Marathon man reportedly driving with a suspended license and carrying drugs picked the wrong place to speed: the parking lot of the Monroe County jail. The right place to speed and carry drugs? The Kennedy Compound.

Nick Lachey's Birthday

Singer Nick Lachey is 33 today. He is dreamy everyday.

Kissing Record

Just 1,188 kissers showed up in Paris on Thursday to try to break the record for the most people kissing in one spot at one moment, Guinness World Records said. They failed to break Budapest's 2005 record for 11,570 people. They did, however, break the record for most unshowered people in one spot.

$10,000 Steak

Tom Cruise splashed out $10,000 on a steak dinner for fiancée Katie Holmes. The 'Mission: Impossible' star took the mother of his daughter, Suri, to Beverly Hills' Mastro's Steakhouse where he hired a private dining room, usually reserved for up to 20 people. Cruise then lit a pile of money on fire and told every janitor in America to go fu*k themselves.

Thriller

Michael Jackson will perform "Thriller" from his famed 1982 album in a rare public appearance at the World Music Awards next week, organizers said Wednesday. Jackson is not enthusiastic about singing his biggest hit, citing that the song is 24 years old.

Minority Leader

Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., told fellow Republican lawmakers on Wednesday he does not intend to run for minority leader when Democrats take control of the House in January, officials said. Hastert cited being white as the reason for not running for minority leader.

Britney Spears Divorce

Britney Spears cited "irreconcilable differences" in court papers filed Tuesday seeking dissolution of her marriage to aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. Millions of people say 'I told you so' as if they were the only people that saw this coming.

Donald Rumsfield Resigns

President Bush announced he has selected a new defense secretary to replace Donald Rumsfeld. The liberal voting block stopped whining for six seconds.

Gatorland Fire

A three-alarm fire broke out in one of central Florida's oldest attractions, killing three animals but injuring no one at Gatorland. Steve Irwin's death will be avenged! Look out stingrays.

Lawyers Steal

A North Georgia lawyer on Monday pleaded guilty to federal charges that he stole $800,000 from clients to pay his bills, make home repairs and cover his girlfriend's rent and utilities. He pleaded guilty to being a lawyer.

Cop Shoots Himself

A Kentucky police officer trying to unload his gun accidentally shot himself while driving on an Indiana highway, police said. He shot four more rounds before he successfully unloaded the gun.

Pot Burgers

Two police officers have sued Burger King Corp., claiming they were served hamburgers that had been sprinkled with marijuana. Thousands of teenagers have descended on the New Mexico fast food joint claiming those burgers are made 'their way.'

Peter Brady is 49

Actor Christopher Knight ("The Brady Bunch") is 49 today. He is also jacked.

Samuel Bowers is Dead

Former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard Samuel Bowers died yesterday in a US state penitentiary in the Mississippi Delta. Flags in Mississippi and New Hampshire will be at half mast until further notice.

Vanishing on a Cruise

Staff of a cruise ship spent Sunday morning searching for a 42-year-old passenger who reportedly went overboard. The staff looked everywhere except the ocean.

Naked at the Waffle House

A couple that began squabbling in a motel room Friday morning carried their dispute over to an adjacent Waffle House restaurant in the nude, police said. Unfortunately, the coupled looked like the kind of couple that would go to a Waffle House, and several people got sick.

Robbing a Bus

Police charged a suspect after a bus driver was robbed of his fares, then realized the suspect was a 3-month old baby. The police, out of habit, still sodomized the baby with a plunger.

Shooing Cars with BB Guns

A teenager pointed his BB pistol at the wrong car. The car stopped and the two men inside pulled out their real .40-caliber Glock handguns. They were undercover police driving an unmarked car. Apparently, there is a right car at which to shoot a BB gun.

Confiscated Mummy

Police have confiscated mummified human skeletal remains from the home of a woman who police say was trying to sell them on eBay. The ashes inside the urn on the fireplace mantle and the deer head on the wall in the basement, they're cool.

Stonewall Jackson

Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 74 today. He announced the South will rise again.

No Violence in Iraq

The surge in violence expected immediately after the Sunday verdict on Saddam Hussein's trial for crimes against humanity did not materialize. Democrats have resorted to telling Sunnis that Shiites have been talking about them behind their back to help raise the violence in anticipation of Tuesday's mid-term elections.

Dane Cook at Madison Square Garden

Dane Cook will headline two shows at New York's Madison Square Garden, a rare accomplishment for a standup comedian. Cook's aim is to be unfunny in front of 40,000 people.

Britney Spears in a Wig

Britney Spears attended her husband's album launch party in disguise - because she didn't want to steal his limelight. Her cover was blown she realized she made up 50% of the people at the party.

Mowing the Lawn

Police have arrested a Burlington County man for using a lawn mower to cut a slur in the grass in an open field. Denis E. Westphal, 19, of Edgewater Park turned himself in to the Edgewater Park Township police on Thursday, a day after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest. In all fairness, Denis was just trying to spell his own name.

MySpace Pervert

A man who posted his own sex offender registry photo on the social networking site MySpace.com is back behind bars. Christian Paul Dutton, 47, of Wheeling, WV, thought it was best to skip the whole 'Dateline' embarrassment, not pass 'Go', and go straight to jail.

Norberg

A new sort of family feud kicks off Friday evening, as the Joneses try to keep up with -- and surpass -- the Norbergs. The contest? Killing your wife and waiter.

Unsafe Runway

A new report says over half of US airports, including Boston's Logan, don't have a 1,000-foot margin at the end of a runway. Logan does have a 1,000 mile margin called the Atlantic Ocean.

John DePetro fired

WRKO Radio talk show host John DePetro was fired this morning after he made a derogatory remark Thursday about the sexual orientation and the weight of Green-Rainbow party gubernatorial candidate Grace Ross, calling her a "fat lesbian." Ironically, Ross admits to being both fat and a lesbian.

Drunk Quarterback

School officials have suspended the star quarterback of the Woodland Regional High School football team for two games, a week after his arrest on drunken driving charges. Drop the word 'star' and story changes from 'two games' to 'rest of his high school career.'

Hiring the Rolling Stones

The Rolling Stones charge an astonishing £4 million for a private show - making them the most expensive party music act ever. And also the worst.

Linday Lohan's Underwear

The British boy band group, McFly - who starred in Lindsay Lohan's film 'Just My Luck' - want to mail some knickers to the actress after she was photographed accidentally flashing her crotch while getting out of a car. Somebody stop them. Use force if necessary.

Hitler for Halloween

A Brooklyn high school student caused a stir when he showed up for class dressed as Adolf Hitler for Halloween. The student defended his costume Tuesday, insisting it was a satire of the Nazi dictator. Plus, he was really, really desperate for attention.

Scary Halloween Costume

A jail went into lockdown and recounted its prisoners on Halloween night after a former inmate was spotted trick-or-treating in his old orange prisoner's jumpsuit. A similar incident happened in Florida when O.J. Simpson was spotted walking on a golf course.

Tasing Cows

A Taser doesn't faze cattle, something Johnson City police found that out Monday afternoon while trying to force a bull and cow off a city street. Bullets still work.

Postal Worker Bit by Squirrel

Barb Dougherty, a 30-year Postal Service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering mail in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh. Good thing she did not have any nuts.

Lawyers Steal

A Mont Vernon lawyer who already has agreed to give up his home to settle a lawsuit, now says he'll plead guilty to stealing more than $1 million from clients. James Hobbs, 47, will plead guilty to being a lawyer.

Stealing Pizza

A sheriff's deputy sniffed out two men suspected of robbing a pizza delivery woman when he caught a whiff of pepperoni and sausage pizza at their home. The recent rash of sperm bank robberies remains unsolved.

Trump's Flag

Donald Trump's display of patriotism is apparently too flamboyant for this chic oceanside town. Palm Beach officials cited Trump for hoisting a large American flag atop an 80-foot pole at his lavish Mar-a-Lago estate and club. Trump is just glad his name was in the paper.

Mystery Pumpkins

Nobody knows who, but someone with a lot of Halloween spirit decorated this small southern Colorado town with hundreds and hundreds of pumpkins. Officials do know the decorator was very bored.

Tim Allen Hates Santa

Tim Allen, who donned 75 pounds of costuming and makeup for "The Santa Clause" movies, says the four hours of preparation required to become the big guy weren't easy. Allen had not sweat that much since that coke binge in '79.

Celebrity Divorce

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, who started the year on an Oscar-winning high, are ending it on a low note: The couple have separated. They will continue to make unwatchable movies.

Nursing Home Sprinklers

All nursing homes could soon be required to have sprinkler systems, a move aimed at updating an estimated 2,500 older facilities around the country. The sprinklers are expected to help wash away the 'smell of old people' and 'urine.'

Emergency Landing in NH

A United Express jet made an emergency landing at Manchester-Boston Regional Airport this morning after shutting down an engine on the way from Washington. It then made an emergency departure when the pilot realized they were in New Hampshire.

Offering Kids Candy

A dentist in Keene (New Hampshire) is offering kids cash for their Halloween candy. He will then use the candy to lure even younger kids into his office.

Bill Clinton Dollar Bill

A man has been arrested for trying to use a $100 bill with no president's face and the name of former President Clinton. Roger Clinton has apologized for trying to pass the fake bill.

Jabbing Kids with Needles

A high school student found a used needle and syringe by the side of a road and jabbed eight fellow students over two days, police and school officials said. Parents expressed relief that he did not find a vibrator.

Hamburger Eating Contest Results

Japanese eating champion Takeru Kobayashi won his third straight Krystal hamburger-eating contest, setting a new world record in the process. Kobayashi ate 97 of the small, square hamburgers in eight minutes on Saturday. In all fairness, it was 97 White Castle burgers which is approximately 1/4 lb. of beef.

Pigs Heads Everywhere

A truck spilled two tons of pigs' heads on a road in western Germany, giving passing drivers a shock on the night before Halloween, police said Tuesday. Other drivers started stoning a fat kid.

Boston Globe for Sale

Retired General Electric Co. chief executive Jack Welch confirmed today on the "Today" show that he is interested in buying the Boston Globe. His first task as the new owner will be to flush hundreds of thousands of dollars down the drain and blame the Republicans.

Daniel Craig's Penis

James Bond actor Daniel Craig has a large penis, according to his 'Casino Royale' co-star Dame Judi Dench. The British actress caught a glimpse of the actor's appendage as he was getting dressed in his trailer. Of all the actors in 'Casino Royale,' Craig's penis is considered the second largest, finishing just behind Dame Judi Dench.

Oprah 'gives' Away Debit Cards

On a show that aired Monday, Winfrey gave more than 300 audience members $1,000 debit cards sponsored by the Bank of America to donate to a charitable cause. Winfrey called the show her "favorite giveaway ever." Mainly because Bank of America picked up the tab and she gets all the credit.

Buses Vandalized

Vandals damaged a third of the buses used to bring about 18,000 students to public schools, leading officials to give children an unexpected day off from school Monday. To further their punishment, the students will also be allowed to bang their hot female teachers.

Family Killed

A family of four was found shot to death in eastern Kentucky in what is being treated as a triple murder and a suicide, Kentucky State Police said. Dozens of wanna-be writers are descending upon the small town hoping to write 'In Cold Blood II."

Hamburger Eating Contest

Japanese competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi will try to defend his title in a Tennessee hamburger-eating contest in which he is undefeated. He is among 13 finalists that are going to Chattanooga, headquarters of fast-food chain Krystal Co., to eat as many small, square hamburgers as they can in eight minutes. The contest will be simulcast to Ethiopia and after the contest, organizers will go the local homeless shelter and light $100 bills on fire.

Black Cat Adoption

Like many shelters around the country, the Kootenai Humane Society in Coeur d'Alene is prohibiting black cat adoptions from now to Nov. 2, fearing the animals could be mistreated in Halloween pranks -- or worse, sacrificed in some satanic ritual. Horse Race tracks will remain open.

Stolen Bus

A 15-year-old boy stole a bus, drove it along a public transit route, picked up passengers and collected fares, authorities said Sunday. Ritchie Calvin Davis was already on probation for taking a tour bus and driving passengers around, authorities said. Somebody please give this kid the chair before he gets a hold of the Sweet Pickels Bus.

Monster Resignation

Monster Worldwide Inc., parent of the world's largest job search site, said Monday that former Chief Executive Andrew J. McKelvey has resigned from its board after refusing to be interviewed about the company's past stock options practices. If he is looking for a job, I know a site he should check out.

Set Your Clocks Back

Most Americans can get a chance at an extra hour of sleep this weekend; clocks fall back to standard time. Unless you go to bed after 2:00 a.m. Drunk.

Rat Salad (yup, a Black Sabbath reference)

Dallas Cowboys assistant coach Todd Haley is suing a suburban McDonald's, claiming his wife and the family's live-in baby sitter found a dead rat in a salad they took home and began to eat. Who buys a salad at McDonald's?

Truck Fire

Cub Scouts in Pack 55 got a real fright in their Halloween parade, and later an award from the mayor, when the flatbed truck they were riding on caught fire. It was the second scariest moment of the evening for the Cub Scouts, finishing second to watching their Cub Scout leader expose himself to the troop minutes earlier.

Fast Talker

A Canadian auctioneer has won the fastest mouth crown, competing against both American and Canadian colleagues last weekend. Over 10,000 female teenagers were disqualified when they found out adding 'like' 400 times in one paragraph did not count.

Anger Management

A volunteer firefighter was ordered to take an anger management class after using his vehicle's emergency lights to pull over a motorist. The woman he pulled over is encouraged to still drive like an a**hole.

Sabbath is Back

They're not calling it Black Sabbath but Ronnie James Dio, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward are reuniting for a tour to begin early next year. Opening each show will be Art Garfunkel and Velvet Revolver.

Fancy McDonald's

The next generation of McDonald's are making their way into New England, and they're equipped with leather chairs, plasma televisions, and wireless Internet access. They will also include a bunch of fat dudes.

Re-Elect Hillary

With big bucks and a big name, U.S. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is headed toward a second term with New York voters saying they will back her whether or not she leaves to run for president in 2008. Hundreds of trees were chopped down to print this story in thousands of newspapers. Nice job. Save the environment.

Iraq Funding

The United States will increase its support for the Iraqi security forces, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Thursday. That was nice of him.

Pot Fight

A woman watching television in her nightgown raced from her bedroom and attacked a man with a cooking pot after he stole golf clubs from her porch, police said. She must have 'wok'ed over and 'crock'ed him. Eh.... Eh....

Driving Test Crash

A young woman's goal of getting her driver's license crashed this week -- right into the license branch. The 20-year-old woman was pulling into a parking spot outside the license branch when she hit the accelerator instead of the brake, Assistant Fire Chief Mike Bucy said. Women should not drive.

Police Toy

A father is asking Toys "R" Us Inc. to take a police toy set off the shelves because he says the one given to his 6-year-old son utters a curse word. The part where the toy cop shoves the baton up a dude's a**, that's cool.

Racist Political Ads

A political TV ad targeting a black candidate for Senate contains what critics, including the NAACP, are calling racist sexual innuendo about a black man and white woman. In the ad, a blond white woman brags, "I met Harold at the Playboy party." At the end she looks into the camera, holds her hand like a telephone and says, "Harold, call me," before winking.
The line is an apparent reference to Ford's attendance at a Playboy Super Bowl party in Jacksonville, Fla., last year. Clearly the ad is racist because large-breasted, white, blonde women never appear in Playboy.