Tim Allen Hates Santa

Tim Allen, who donned 75 pounds of costuming and makeup for "The Santa Clause" movies, says the four hours of preparation required to become the big guy weren't easy. Allen had not sweat that much since that coke binge in '79.

Celebrity Divorce

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, who started the year on an Oscar-winning high, are ending it on a low note: The couple have separated. They will continue to make unwatchable movies.

Nursing Home Sprinklers

All nursing homes could soon be required to have sprinkler systems, a move aimed at updating an estimated 2,500 older facilities around the country. The sprinklers are expected to help wash away the 'smell of old people' and 'urine.'

Emergency Landing in NH

A United Express jet made an emergency landing at Manchester-Boston Regional Airport this morning after shutting down an engine on the way from Washington. It then made an emergency departure when the pilot realized they were in New Hampshire.

Offering Kids Candy

A dentist in Keene (New Hampshire) is offering kids cash for their Halloween candy. He will then use the candy to lure even younger kids into his office.

Bill Clinton Dollar Bill

A man has been arrested for trying to use a $100 bill with no president's face and the name of former President Clinton. Roger Clinton has apologized for trying to pass the fake bill.

Jabbing Kids with Needles

A high school student found a used needle and syringe by the side of a road and jabbed eight fellow students over two days, police and school officials said. Parents expressed relief that he did not find a vibrator.

Hamburger Eating Contest Results

Japanese eating champion Takeru Kobayashi won his third straight Krystal hamburger-eating contest, setting a new world record in the process. Kobayashi ate 97 of the small, square hamburgers in eight minutes on Saturday. In all fairness, it was 97 White Castle burgers which is approximately 1/4 lb. of beef.

Pigs Heads Everywhere

A truck spilled two tons of pigs' heads on a road in western Germany, giving passing drivers a shock on the night before Halloween, police said Tuesday. Other drivers started stoning a fat kid.

Boston Globe for Sale

Retired General Electric Co. chief executive Jack Welch confirmed today on the "Today" show that he is interested in buying the Boston Globe. His first task as the new owner will be to flush hundreds of thousands of dollars down the drain and blame the Republicans.

Daniel Craig's Penis

James Bond actor Daniel Craig has a large penis, according to his 'Casino Royale' co-star Dame Judi Dench. The British actress caught a glimpse of the actor's appendage as he was getting dressed in his trailer. Of all the actors in 'Casino Royale,' Craig's penis is considered the second largest, finishing just behind Dame Judi Dench.

Oprah 'gives' Away Debit Cards

On a show that aired Monday, Winfrey gave more than 300 audience members $1,000 debit cards sponsored by the Bank of America to donate to a charitable cause. Winfrey called the show her "favorite giveaway ever." Mainly because Bank of America picked up the tab and she gets all the credit.

Buses Vandalized

Vandals damaged a third of the buses used to bring about 18,000 students to public schools, leading officials to give children an unexpected day off from school Monday. To further their punishment, the students will also be allowed to bang their hot female teachers.

Family Killed

A family of four was found shot to death in eastern Kentucky in what is being treated as a triple murder and a suicide, Kentucky State Police said. Dozens of wanna-be writers are descending upon the small town hoping to write 'In Cold Blood II."

Hamburger Eating Contest

Japanese competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi will try to defend his title in a Tennessee hamburger-eating contest in which he is undefeated. He is among 13 finalists that are going to Chattanooga, headquarters of fast-food chain Krystal Co., to eat as many small, square hamburgers as they can in eight minutes. The contest will be simulcast to Ethiopia and after the contest, organizers will go the local homeless shelter and light $100 bills on fire.

Black Cat Adoption

Like many shelters around the country, the Kootenai Humane Society in Coeur d'Alene is prohibiting black cat adoptions from now to Nov. 2, fearing the animals could be mistreated in Halloween pranks -- or worse, sacrificed in some satanic ritual. Horse Race tracks will remain open.

Stolen Bus

A 15-year-old boy stole a bus, drove it along a public transit route, picked up passengers and collected fares, authorities said Sunday. Ritchie Calvin Davis was already on probation for taking a tour bus and driving passengers around, authorities said. Somebody please give this kid the chair before he gets a hold of the Sweet Pickels Bus.

Monster Resignation

Monster Worldwide Inc., parent of the world's largest job search site, said Monday that former Chief Executive Andrew J. McKelvey has resigned from its board after refusing to be interviewed about the company's past stock options practices. If he is looking for a job, I know a site he should check out.

Set Your Clocks Back

Most Americans can get a chance at an extra hour of sleep this weekend; clocks fall back to standard time. Unless you go to bed after 2:00 a.m. Drunk.

Rat Salad (yup, a Black Sabbath reference)

Dallas Cowboys assistant coach Todd Haley is suing a suburban McDonald's, claiming his wife and the family's live-in baby sitter found a dead rat in a salad they took home and began to eat. Who buys a salad at McDonald's?

Truck Fire

Cub Scouts in Pack 55 got a real fright in their Halloween parade, and later an award from the mayor, when the flatbed truck they were riding on caught fire. It was the second scariest moment of the evening for the Cub Scouts, finishing second to watching their Cub Scout leader expose himself to the troop minutes earlier.

Fast Talker

A Canadian auctioneer has won the fastest mouth crown, competing against both American and Canadian colleagues last weekend. Over 10,000 female teenagers were disqualified when they found out adding 'like' 400 times in one paragraph did not count.

Anger Management

A volunteer firefighter was ordered to take an anger management class after using his vehicle's emergency lights to pull over a motorist. The woman he pulled over is encouraged to still drive like an a**hole.

Sabbath is Back

They're not calling it Black Sabbath but Ronnie James Dio, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward are reuniting for a tour to begin early next year. Opening each show will be Art Garfunkel and Velvet Revolver.

Fancy McDonald's

The next generation of McDonald's are making their way into New England, and they're equipped with leather chairs, plasma televisions, and wireless Internet access. They will also include a bunch of fat dudes.

Re-Elect Hillary

With big bucks and a big name, U.S. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is headed toward a second term with New York voters saying they will back her whether or not she leaves to run for president in 2008. Hundreds of trees were chopped down to print this story in thousands of newspapers. Nice job. Save the environment.

Iraq Funding

The United States will increase its support for the Iraqi security forces, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Thursday. That was nice of him.

Pot Fight

A woman watching television in her nightgown raced from her bedroom and attacked a man with a cooking pot after he stole golf clubs from her porch, police said. She must have 'wok'ed over and 'crock'ed him. Eh.... Eh....

Driving Test Crash

A young woman's goal of getting her driver's license crashed this week -- right into the license branch. The 20-year-old woman was pulling into a parking spot outside the license branch when she hit the accelerator instead of the brake, Assistant Fire Chief Mike Bucy said. Women should not drive.

Police Toy

A father is asking Toys "R" Us Inc. to take a police toy set off the shelves because he says the one given to his 6-year-old son utters a curse word. The part where the toy cop shoves the baton up a dude's a**, that's cool.

Racist Political Ads

A political TV ad targeting a black candidate for Senate contains what critics, including the NAACP, are calling racist sexual innuendo about a black man and white woman. In the ad, a blond white woman brags, "I met Harold at the Playboy party." At the end she looks into the camera, holds her hand like a telephone and says, "Harold, call me," before winking.
The line is an apparent reference to Ford's attendance at a Playboy Super Bowl party in Jacksonville, Fla., last year. Clearly the ad is racist because large-breasted, white, blonde women never appear in Playboy.

Louisiana Insurance

A year later, Louisiana residents living in white neighborhoods have been three times as likely as those in black neighborhoods to seek and get help from the state agency in their disputes with insurers, an Associated Press computer analysis shows. Which again proves, George Bush does not care about lazy people who can't read and write.

Bush and Iraq

In a somber, pre-election review of a long and brutal war, President Bush conceded Wednesday that the United States is taking heavy casualties and said, "I know many Americans are not satisfied with the situation in Iraq." He added, "Today is Wednesday."

Baby in Vending Machine

Three-year-old Robert Moore went fishing for a stuffed replica of Sponge Bob and ended up trapped in a vending machine. Fortunately, a dude came by and bought a Fifth Avenue bar and took Robert home. Unfortunately, it was Mark Foley.

Pet Costume Contest

More than 120 pet owners gathered this weekend for an annual Halloween pet costume contest organized by a local pet store in Navarre, Florida. Coincidentally, Martha Stewart had record-low ratings that day.

Man's Man

George Clooney is the No. 1 man's man, according to a list compiled by AskMen.com. The only other people on the list were the cast of 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'

Amnesia Reunion

An amnesia sufferer who had been searching for his identity for more than a month was back in Washington state with his fiancee on Tuesday, but he still doesn't remember his past life or what happened. Good thing the fiancee was hot.

Executing a Cult

Ohio executed a cult leader Tuesday for murdering a family of five followers he thought were not enthusiastic enough about his teachings. Ian Astbury is still safe.

Ballot Problems

U.S. Senate candidate James H. "Jim" Webb has lost his last name on electronic ballots in three Virginia cities where election computers can't cope with long names. The candidate most upset is Dick Castanopolis.

More Mark Foley

House Speaker Dennis Hastert on Tuesday sat down with ethics investigators trying to pin down when he and his staff learned about ex-Rep. Mark Foley's come-ons to former male pages and what they did to stop it. For Foley's benfit, the transcripts will be read slowly and very breathy.

Stephen King Tour

Stephen King fans eager to join in a pre-Halloween bus tour of Bangor locations that were featured in his best-selling novels and movie adaptations are out of luck. This year's final "Tommyknockers & More" tour, set for Sunday afternoon, has been sold out, according to the Greater Bangor Convention and Visitors Bureau. Tourists are still invited to participate in 'The Long Walk.'

Fishing for Dig

Ray Truche Jr. and Lisa Largrassa fished for hours and didn't catch anything -- except a drowning dog. The couple leaned over the boat and made their only catch of the day: a 5-year-old cairn terrier named Tigger, The Key West Citizen reported Monday. The dog has been stuffed and is above the fireplace.

B.D. Wong

Actor B.D. Wong is 44 today. B.D. stands for 'Big D*ck.'

Jane Seymour

On this date in 1537, Jane Seymour, the third wife of England's King Henry VIII, died 12 days after giving birth to Prince Edward, later King Edward VI. Over 400 years later she would resurrect as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Riverboat Flu

Health officials ran tests Monday to try to determine what caused at least 36 people to complain of flu-like symptoms while on a Riverboar Casino cruise down the Ohio River. Some experts believe they caught cold after losing their shirts.

Hinckley Needs His Space

Presidential assailant John Hinckley's four-day visits away from a mental hospital every six weeks should be expanded, his lawyer said Monday, declaring "there is just no need" to supervise the man who shot Ronald Reagan. The lawyer also added Hinckley needs more time to catch up on all the Jodie Foster movies that have come out since his imprisonment.

Banging a Dog

A man accused of having sex with the family dog has been charged under the state's new animal cruelty law, which makes bestiality a felony, a prosecutor said. The prosecutor's name? McGruff.

Inmate Escapes

An inmate who used laxatives to shed 31 pounds so he could squeeze through a hole in a prison wall had been frustrated by the indefinite sentence he was serving, a judge said. He was also frustrated by shi**ng out 31 pounds.

Fan on Stilts

Instead of paying for a ticket, a Detroit Tigers fan stood on 4-foot stilts and watched the World Series through the steel gates of Tigers Stadium. Larry Lucchino and the Boston Red Sox have announced they will be selling stilts at all home games.

Illuminated Pumpkins

Bostonians on Saturday lit 30,128 pumpkins on Boston Common, shattering the world record for the most jack-o'-lanterns lit in one place. The old record of 28,952 lit pumpkins had been held since 2003 by Keene, N.H. That city tried to keep up with their own attempt Saturday, but lit only 24,682 pumpkins. Congrats Boston, you beat Keene. Next week, Mike Tyson will be fighting Neslon de la Rosa's 28-inch corpse.

Pedro's Midget Dies

Nelson de la Rosa, once recognized as the world's shortest actor and a ubiquitous good-luck charm for the Boston Red Sox during their victorious 2004 World Series run, died Sunday at a Providence, R.I. hospital, his agent said. He was 38. De la Rosa is survived by his wife, a 9-year-old son, his mother and five siblings. I can not believe that I just wrote that a 28-inch man had a wife and a son.

Indian Boob Jobs

Image-conscious Indians have been flocking to cosmetic surgery clinics across the capital for new noses, tummy tucks and larger breasts in the run-up to the country's biggest Hindu festival, Diwali. Indian men consider Diwali to be the greatest festival ever.

Cards in World Series

Yadier Molina's tiebreaking homer in the ninth and another Game 7 gem by Jeff Suppan helped St. Louis beat the Mets, 3-1. Yadier Molina is spanish for Todd Pratt.

Austrian Urinals

An Austrian businessman announced Thursday that he would get rid of urinals shaped like a woman's mouth from a public toilet near Vienna's national opera, after facing pressure from politicians who demanded their removal. The urinals, which are located in the "Opera Toilet," a lavishly decorated public restroom, feature thick, lipsticked lips, a set of teeth and a bright red tongue. The Rolling Stones are upset they did not think of selling the urinals first.

Panda Bites Thumb

A panda cub bit off part of the thumb of an American visitor who was feeding it at a reserve in southwest China, state media said Thursday. Ling Ling will now be sent to Sing Sing.

Snoop Dogg

Today Rapper Snoop Dogg is 35. His street cred remains at zero.

Dividing Iraq

Presidential spokesman Tony Snow said a suggestion to divide Iraq into Sunni, Shiite and Kurdish regions, each with high degrees of autonomy, was a "nonstarter." He added it would be very difficult to "invade three nations at once."

No More Tag

Officials at an elementary school south of Boston have banned kids from playing tag, touch football and any other unsupervised chase game during recess for fear they'll get hurt and hold the school liable. Fortunately, it is still okay, even encouraged, for female teachers to bang the male students.

Pot Brownies

Two Syracuse-area high school students face drug charges after one of them shared a marijuana-laced brownie with a teacher's aide. The three teenagers got the munchies and sent the whole night eating... more pot brownies.

Stolen Statue

Somehow, a thief or thieves was able to swipe a 50-pound bronze statue of a nude woman from an art gallery in downtown Orlando in broad daylight. The Lincoln Memorial is being held for questioning.

Another Stingray Attack

An 81-year-old man was in critical condition Thursday after a stingray flopped onto his boat and stung him, leaving a foot-long barb in his chest similar to the accident that killed "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. Whoever fu**ed with the stingrays, please apologize now.

Stadium Threats

Homeland Security on Wednesday alerted the NFL and authorities in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Seattle, Houston, Oakland and Cleveland, about potential radiological dirty bomb attacks on NFL football stadiums this weekend. Buffalo? Perfectly safe.

Population

The nation's population officially hit 300 million at 7:46 a.m. EDT Tuesday, when the Census Bureau's population clock rolled over to the big number. Stop Fu**ing.

Dude on Larry King

John Mark Karr was interviewed on the Larry King show last night. The end of the world is scheduled for Monday.

Pets in a Fire

After a disabled woman's cat started a house fire, her specially trained dog came to the rescue, then died trying to help the cat still in the house. Fortunately, the cat did not survive either.

Chinese Golfing

A Chinese university is requiring law and business students to take golf lessons to prepare them for a business world where deals are made on the golf course, news reports said Tuesday. American business are now looking forward to out-sourcing business trips.

Gary Puckett

Singer Gary Puckett is 64 today. The girl who he pines after in 'Young Girl' is also finally legal.

Norm's Birthday

Actor-comedian Norm Macdonald is 43 today. October 17 will now be known as Christmas Part II.

Austrian Kangaroo

A kangaroo was sighted on a highway in western Austria, but disappeared again, police said Thursday. Apparantly the kangaroo, like Lloyd from 'Dumb and Dumber', gets Austria and Australia mixed up.

Classroom toilet

A fifth-grade teacher allowed five students -- a boy and four girls -- to use a trash can as a toilet during a school lockdown drill when no one was supposed to leave the classroom. The weird part? They all went at the same time.

Kobe the Dog

Kobe the terrier is back with his family after a 1,400-mile trip. The small white pooch vanished from his Bellflower home last month and was found by a stranger in Denton, Texas. Kobe the dog should be back to ruining the Lakers and raping other dogs in no time.

Malaysian License Plate

A man has paid $54,300 for a car license plate bearing his surname, the highest bid in the country for such an item, according to a published report. The "TAN" license plate went to an ethnic Chinese businessman, identified only as Tan, The Star newspaper reported Friday, quoting Road Transport Department director-general Emran Kadir. George Stephanopoulos announced he will never move to Malaysia.

Fake Coins

It looked like the "deal of the century," police said, a couple of guys down on their luck on Skid Row, selling valuable old silver coins for $20 apiece. It was a pretty good deal, too, but only for the sellers. The coins they were peddling turned out to be as worthless as $3 bills. And who is on the front of a $3 bill you ask? William Henry Harrison.

City Invasion

A Texas-based ministry group plans to flood entertainment districts in Dallas and Fort Worth on Saturday with 500 street preachers trying to spread their faith, an event the group's president calls a "city invasion." Any new converts will be brought back to the church for a 'backside invasion."

Bar Robbery

A 20-year-old Campbellsport man has been charged with armed robbery in the hold up of a tavern owned by his parents, according to the criminal complaint. The parents then fired the bouncer for letting an under-aged patron into the bar.

Lost Parrot

A pet Amazon parrot who flew away from his owner in Johnson City has been found in Long Island, N.Y. Owner Kim Kendrick lost her 47-year-old parrot named Buzzy nearly two months ago while she was walking outside with him. Buzzy was most upset that he hasn't been able to read the New York Times in his cage for nearly two months and asked how the Yankees were doing.

Ice Cream for Dogs

Ice cream maker Good Humor and pet food producer Pedigree have announced plans to produce ice cream sandwiches for dogs. The two companies that added that Rwanda can go f**k themselves.

Mummy on eBay

Officials are trying to track down the origins of a mummified human skeleton that a Michigan woman tried to sell on eBay. First stop? The Neverland Ranch.

Gerald Ford

Gerald Ford, the nation's oldest living former president, was in a hospital Thursday and undergoing medical tests, his office said. Ford, 93, was doing well at Eisenhower Medical Center, spokeswoman Penny Circle said in a statement. He was diagnosed with being 93.

Michelle Wie

Golfer Michelle Wie is 17 today. Also, Woody Allen announced he will stop watching golf on October 11, 2007.

Today in History

On this date in 1975, "NBC Saturday Night" (later "Saturday Night Live") made its debut with guest host George Carlin. Carlin died in 1991.

Foley is no Kennedy

Republican Rep. Christopher Shays defended House speaker Dennis Hastert's handling of a congressional page scandal, saying no one died like at Chappaquiddick in 1969 when Democratic Sen. Ted Kennedy was involved. George W. Bush added, "Oh! No he didn't!"

Bus Crash

About a dozen children were slightly injured Wednesday morning when their school bus was rear-ended by another vehicle in a chain reaction crash on Staten Island in New York. Former Rep. Mark Foley promised to visit every kid to make sure they are okay.

Stolen Jeep

An Anchorage man walked out of a grocery store to find his car missing -- along with the 8-month-old Labrador retriever that he had chained to the bumper. The police have identified the prime suspect as Clark W. Griswold.

Kennedy vs. Healy

Sen. Edward M. Kennedy accused Lt. Gov. Kerry Healey of engaging in "gutter politics" in her campaign against Democrat Deval Patrick, declaring Saturday, "Make no mistake about it, this is swiftboating." He then killed her.

Throwing Babies

A northwestern Pennsylvania woman accused of using her baby to batter her child's father said she didn't realize what she was doing until it was too late. Cynthia Graham said she "snapped" and began grabbing things and throwing them at Deangelo Troop not realizing she had picked up her 4-week-old son, Jarron Troop, telling police she held the child by his legs and swung him at his father. Fox gave her a 3-series Reality TV show deal.

Mild Winter

A mild winter is expected for much of the United States, according to the National Weather Service. Which again proves, George W. Bush does not care about eskimoes.

Marijuana and Church

A Pima, Ariz. couple has stepped down as leaders of a church that considers marijuana a sacrament and deity. That did not necessarily step down. They just could not remember how the find the church and church members took that as a resignation.

ESPN

A Montana woman gave birth to a son and named the child ESPN Montana Real. Though the first name will be pronounced 'Espen,' the child is still expected to get his ass kicked four times a week when he starts school. ESPN joins sister, 'Lifetime' and older brother, 'BET' in the Real family.

Eating Contest

A 62-year old Nevada man won a jalapeno eating contest over the weekend. Richard LeFevre won the contest on Sunday by eating 247 jalapenos. On Monday he won the prestigious flaming diarrhea contest.

Wife-Carrying Contest

A former Olympic skier won the seventh annual wife-carrying contest this weekend in Maine. John Farra carries his 110-pound wife to victory and $550 in prize money. Last place? Al Reynolds.

Mark Foley Backlash

The Mark Foley sex scandal may hurt other Republicans in their respective races. Apparently the voters have similar moral standards as prisons. Murders, okay. Pediphiles, no good. Vote Kennedy.

Malaysian Fines

The Malaysian government announced a policy that will fine anyone who uses the Malaysian language incorrectly. George W. Bush re-routed his itinerary to never pass through Malaysia.

Deval Patrick

Deval Patrick, Democratic candidate for governor of Massachusetts, gave money to aid the defense of a convicted rapist. Patrick also revealed he gets campaign advice from Michael Dukakis.

Hypoallergenic Cats

A California biotech company has created a breed of cat that will be safe to own for those people that are allergic to cats. The waiting list for these cats is already two years long. Retarded kids? No cure in sight.

Elephant Walk

The yearly Elephant Walk took place in Boston today to promote the circus. The parade of elephants was ruined when several local college fraternities heard 'Elephant Walk' and sent down hundreds of naked pledges holding their johnsons.

Gas Problems

A sulfur dioxide leak in Houston sent dozens of workers to the hospital with respiratory problems. Residents of the area were told to stay in their homes for at least an hour. Especially since the leak also caused digestive problems.

Drunk at Court

A woman in Arkansas, facing her fifth DWI in a year, showed up at her court appearance in Little Rock drunk. The people of Massachusetts immediately voted her their senior U.S. Senator.

Pi to 100,000

A health counselor in Japan recited pi to 100,000 decimal places. It took him over 16 hours to do so. He spent the next 16 hours not talking to women.

Babysitter Picks Up Wrong Kid

A babysitter, on her first day on the job, pick up the wrong child from elementary school in Long Beach, CA. The babysitter did not know where to bring the child so she dropped him off at Mark Foley's house.

Flying Elvis Breaks Pelvis

A member of the 'Flying Elvis" skydiving suffered a broken pelvis in an accident near a casino in Browning, Montana. A local television crew filmed the incident, unfortunately Flying Elvis can not be shown on network TV from the waist down.

Dow Jones

The Dow Jones hit a new record high on Tuesday. The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed at 11,727.34. Fifty more points and they hit Mel Gibson's Blood Alcohol Level.

Mark Foley

Republican Congressman Mark Foley has resigned after it came out he had inappropriate relationships with underage males. Yet another example of the Republicans catering to the religious right.

Amish School Shooting

A milkman in Amish country killed a bunch of girls at a small school. He broke into the school, made all the boys leave, then killed the girls and himself. Most shocking is that milkmen still exist.

Rabid Skunk

A rabid skunk was found in Northern Arkansas by a woman who found the skunk attacking her cat under her porch. She would have found it earlier but the smell of Arkansas was stronger than the skunk.

Clown Mayor

A clown is running for mayor of Alameda, California. Some say he's making a mockery of the political system. Especially some of his slogans:

"It would be wise to vote for Pennywise."
"Don't be a Bozo. Vote for Bozo."
"I may or may not be the guy from Slipknot. Vote Clown."
"Politics as usual got you down? Vote for the Clown."
"Fan of John Wayne Gacy? Then you'll like me. Vote Clown."