Nicole Kidman is Rich

Nicole Kidman is the queen of Hollywood when it comes to money. The Oscar winner, who earns as much as $17 million per movie, tops the fifth annual list of highest-paid actresses released Wednesday by The Hollywood Reporter. All part of Hollywood's master plan to lose money on every movie.

Al-Qaida in Somalia

Al-Qaida militants are operating with "great comfort" in Somalia, providing training and assistance to a radical military element loyal to the Islamic group that controls most of southern Somalia, a senior State Department official said Wednesday. U.S. officials plan on ignoring them and expect them to 'naturally die of starvation.'

Three 6 Mafia Riot

Rap group Three 6 Mafia has settled a lawsuit by a suburban Pittsburgh teenager who claimed he was severely beaten at a concert when fans followed lyrics of the song "Let's Start A Riot." The incident inspired several police officers to enter strip joints blaring N.W.A.

Glue on the Highway

A semitrailer carrying large drums of glue spilled part of its load onto a state highway Tuesday, causing the road to be closed for about three hours as crews worked to resolve the sticky situation. The crash was so severe that the trailer was actually carrying horses when it crashed.

Principal Kisses Feet

A former Roman Catholic school principal accused of kissing three male students' feet has pleaded not guilty to misdemeanor charges of sexual imposition. Can't a grown man kiss a child's foot anymore without getting arrested?

Poisoned Comdoms

Kimberly Lynn Dasilva, 49, of Hull, MA, a former strip club waitress, was sentenced Wednesday to five years of supervised release after she pleaded guilty to mailing threatening letters and flammable material, including condoms filled with a potentially explosive mixture, court documents said. By former, I hope that means 1978.

Poisoned Comdoms

Kimberly Lynn Dasilva, 49, of Hull, MA, a former strip club waitress, was sentenced Wednesday to five years of supervised release after she pleaded guilty to mailing threatening letters and flammable material, including condoms filled with a potentially explosive mixture, court documents said. By former, I hope that means 1978.

Poo Holes

Albert Pujols is upset he lost out to Philadelphia's Ryan Howard for the National League MVP award, saying Wednesday the honor should go to someone on a playoff team. He added the grapes he was eating were sour.

Michael Douglas Almost Falls

Michael Douglas, a benefactor of the Masterworks Museum of Bermuda Art, briefly lost his footing while standing in a cherry picker basket 25 feet above the ground for the "roof-wetting" Monday but managed to steady himself. Some call it a 'near-miss.' I call it a 'near-hit.'

Hazing in Vermont

A judge has dismissed hazing charges against four University of Vermont fraternity members accused of making prospective members wear cowboy outfits while they were taunted with homophobic language. The idiots getting hazed pay for that, it's 'harmless, college fun.' But if I go to a reputable dungeon and pay for that, I'm a weird-o.

Spray-Painting Goats

A Mahopac, NY man broke into a barn on Thanksgiving morning, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of pornographic magazines on the floor, apparently to harass the property owner, police said Tuesday. Why didn't John Cougar Mellencamp sing about this in 'Small Town'?

Fire Squirrel

One squirrel got a fiery surprise when it apparently got curious about a chimney. The squirrel fell down a chimney at a Two Rivers home and landed in a fire in a fireplace Monday night, said Two Rivers Assistant Fire Chief Gary Shavlik. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Helmet Fight

A homeowner stopped an alleged burglar by beating him into submission with a football helmet. He must have went to the University of Miami.

Kidman's Future Plans

Nicole Kidman says her dream is to quit acting to live on a paradise island with a huge family. Finally, Kidman and I have something I common. My dream is for her to quit acting. Unfortunately, that 'dream' is on hold as she is currently attached to five future movies.

Wilson Hudson Engagement

Owen Wilson is planning to propose to Kate Hudson, it has been claimed. The length of engagement will depend on the success of their next movies.

Microwave the Baby

An infant girl who died in August 2005 of a high body temperature might have been put in a microwave, and her mother has been charged in the death, authorities said Tuesday. They believe the baby was microwaved when they found the skin to be rubbery and the insides were too dry.

Mayor Fraud

T. Milton Street, the younger brother of Mayor John F. Street, was indicted Tuesday on tax and fraud charges involving $2 million worth of city contracts. Street has changed his name to Kennedy.

Supermarket Abuse

A Maine couple accused of abusing their 9-year-old son in a supermarket will get the boy and his younger sister back, a judge ruled. The judge also gave the parents a future 'get of jail free' card for justifiable homicide.

Pigeon Watching

Handlers from across New Mexico and west Texas presented 350 breeds of pigeons during the Pecos Valley Pigeon Club's fall show, a rare opportunity for pigeon enthusiasts from around the region to gather. Normally they would have to buy a plane ticket to New York.

Man Swallows Keys

A Russian man whom police stopped for allegedly driving drunk tried to swallow his keys then bit an officer as the officer tried to retrieve them, a Russian news agency reported Tuesday. The man was upset because the cop did not try to retrieve the keys through the drunk's mouth.

NBC's Civil War in Iraq

NBC's "Today Show" host Matt Lauer yesterday told millions of American television viewers, many sitting at their breakfast tables, that the network would buck the White House and from now on describe the Iraq war as a "civil war." Ever the source of hard news, the "Today Show" then ran a segment about the new found friendship of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton (a.k.a. Twit and Twat).

Lohan: Serial Dater

Lindsay Lohan says 'Sex and the City' inspired her to date a slew of men. Plus it gave her a convenient excuse for being a complete slut.

Two Boys Missing

Authorities called off a major ground search yesterday on the Red Lake Indian Reservation after they turned up no sign of two young brothers who have been missing since they went out to play Wednesday morning. They will continue to search the basements of all white men described as 'quiet.'

Groom Shot

Angry residents demanded to know yesterday why police officers killed an unarmed man on the day of his wedding, firing a hail of bullets that also wounded two of the man's friends. Police say they were just trying to save his life.

Babysitting Kidnapper

A babysitter was ordered held on $10,000 bail after failing to return a 1-year-old boy to his parents, buying a new cell phone and trying to leave the state, authorities said. She claims she was just very dedicated to her job.

Check Behind the Bookcase

A woman's body was found wedged upside-down behind a bookcase in the home she shared with relatives who had spent nearly two weeks looking for her. The relatives added, "we no read so good or ever."

Obama is Popular

Americans have the warmest feelings about former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Republican Sen. John McCain and Democratic Sen. Barack Obama, the poll by Quinnipiac University showed. 100% of those polled still have no idea why they like Obama, but cite that he "is so well-spoken."

Willzeger?

Bruce Willis is rumoured to be dating Renée Zellweger. The two plan on combining their scary-good talents to make the worst movie ever.

Gov. Urinal Face

When Adam Baker learned earlier this year that an artist from Washington would paint the official portrait of Nevada's outgoing governor, Baker took his own rejected portrait of Gov. Kenny Guinn to a bathroom in the state Capitol -- and photographed it above a urinal. Robert Mapplethorpe called it brilliant and the NEA gave him $100,000.

Woman Fakes Her Abduction

A 31-year-old woman is accused of faking her own abduction to win back an ex-boyfriend. Gretchen Morales was arrested Monday and charged with filing a false police report, child neglect and contributing to the delinquency of a child, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. She regrets not doing it during a slower news week because she could use the Larry King interview and book deal.

Non-Smoking Bigamist

A man who dresses up as a giant cigarette and uses hip-hop music to encourage children in Lynchburg and beyond to avoid smoking pleaded guilty Tuesday to bigamy. No word on what the outfit would be if he was encouraging abstinence.

Man Shot in La-Z-Boy

A man sitting in his easy chair was shot in the head by his wife, but the sturdy recliner absorbed most of the bullet's force and left him virtually unscathed. Another reason why women should not be in the military.

Boxing Orangutans

Dozens of orangutans trained to box each other in a Thai amusement park returned home Wednesday to start a new life in a jungle reserve on their native island of Borneo, officials said. They will now pursue ultimate fighting.

White Scholarship

Boston University's Republican students group has started a scholarship for white students, to spark debate about race-based programs. This should do wonders for the stereotype that young Republicans are angry, white guys.

Free Britney Spears Sex Tape

Britney Spears is planning to put her homemade sex video on the internet to stop estranged husband Kevin Federline cashing in on it. God bless her retardedness.

Tom Cruise Sings at His Wedding

Tom Cruise serenaded his new wife Katie Holmes with a rendition of 'You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling' during their wedding reception. He then played topless volleyball with a bunch of dudes.

Scralett Johansson Available

Josh Hartnett has been spotted enjoying a weekend with a mystery brunette - sparking rumours his relationship with Scarlett Johansson could be over. Scarlett, Call me.

95-Year Old Student

Like most students at Fort Hays State University, Nola Ochs plans to spend some time reading and studying during this week's fall break. But she'll take time out on Wednesday to celebrate her 95th birthday. She will then do a keg stand and get raped by a pack of frat boys.

Poison Sandwiches

An Ocean County woman who police say tried to poison her live-in sister and her sister's boyfriend by putting rat poison in their sandwiches has been charged with two counts of attempted murder. This is the second time the woman has been taken up on poison charges. Late last year she was charged after serving her sister a bologna sandwich.

Monster Truck Marriage

Throbbing throttles, pumping pistons and traction action ground to a halt as a longtime lover of monster trucks married her sweetheart in a dirt arena, amid rowdy spectators and crushed cars. They plan on renewing their vows at their family reunion early next year.

Pick Up Your Dog Sh*t

A quadriplegic man has filed a complaint in Los Angeles Superior Court against the Hermosa Beach police claiming he was thrown to the ground after a dispute over who would pick up his dog's feces. No word if the crap was ever picked up.

MBTA Improvements

The MBTA will announce today that it plans to spend $29 million to build a long-awaited bus maintenance building in Jamaica Plain, $15 million to repair three crumbling Red Line parking garages, and $6.5 million to make the Green Line's Science Park, Longwood, and Brookline Village stations more accessible. After 10:00 p.m., the trains will still smell like urine.

Eddie Murphy's Divorce

Eddie Murphy says a difficult divorce helped his performance in the upcoming movie "Dreamgirls." Mainly because it allowed him to nail every broad within eyesight without feeling as much remorse as he did when he was still married.

No More Marriages for Mills

Heather Mills has vowed to never marry again. In an interview with US TV show 'Extra', Heather said: "I haven't got a lover. At the moment I am focusing on my daughter. I will never marry again. I'm a good mother, I'm a good person." That was music to the ears of any other billionaire into chicks with one leg.

Kramer is a Racist

Michael Richards stunned a comedy club audience, shouting racial epithets at people who heckled him during a stand-up routine. He will now be opening for Andrew Dice Clay.

Premature Births

Six Kentucky hospitals will take part in a national study that will attempt to find better methods to cut premature birth rates. Step one is to cut down on premature pregnancies by banning all family reunions in the state.

Weightlifting Class

An Anderson County teenager has filed a lawsuit over her temporary dismissal from a weightlifting class by a principal who feared male students might try to rape her. She plans to argue that all the steroids injected by the male students renders their raping ability useless.

GPS is the Bomb

A small black object that was found attached to the bottom of a woman's Jeep and prompted an evacuation of a three-square block area on Friday wasn't a bomb after all. It was a tracking device planted by the woman's husband. At least the husband now knows who his wife is fu**ing.

Soccer Violence

A crossbow arrow was fired into a soccer stadium, whistling past one of the players and forcing the amateur game to be called off. The arrow read: GoldenPalace.com.

Tightwad Bank

A small-town bank that drew $2.2 million in deposits from around the country because of its unusual name, Tightwad Bank, will close Jan. 31. Remaining open will be the Giantwad Sperm Bank.

A Klansman's Birthday

Senator Robert Byrd, D-W.Va., is 89 today. Crosses will be lit on fire throughout West Virginia in his honor.

Deadly Bus Crash

A school bus carrying more than 30 high school students plunged 30 feet off an interstate Monday and overturned, killing two and injuring at least 23, seven of them critically, authorities said. According to the bus driver, Otto, the 30 foot drop is his new personal best.

Beyonce is Cheap

Beyonce Knowles, 25-year-old singer-and-actress, who has sold 50 million albums and appeared in a string of hit films, says she would rather invest her money than spend it on luxury cars or expensive jewellery. She does not like spending money on jewelry because any piece she wants is given to her for free.

Peter Gabriel Wins Peace Award

Peter Gabriel, founder of the rock group Genesis, received the annual "Man of Peace" award Friday from a foundation headed by former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. Attendees were treated to a surprise when Gabriel did not sing.

Bond to be Shown in China

Chinese censors have cleared the latest James Bond film "Casino Royale" to be shown in the country without asking for any changes, a movie executive said Friday. All was okay when Bond's love interest was found to have less than two children.

Leave the Baby in the Car

A Poland couple accused of leaving their 2-week-old baby in their parked car while they shopped at Wal-Mart are in hot water with the law. They are being charged with shopping at Wal-Mart.

Pollution = Shade

If the sun warms the Earth too dangerously, the time may come to draw the shade. The "shade" would be a layer of pollution deliberately spewed into the atmosphere to help cool the planet. This over-the-top idea comes from prominent scientists, among them a Nobel laureate. The same scientists claim that smoking is a good alternative to sun-tanning.

Grapes Eating Record

An American man caught 116 tossed grapes in his mouth in three minutes in what he hopes will become a new Guinness World Record, his publicity team said Thursday. He then hopes for a career in porn where he will catch tossed salads.

Camera is School

Police on Wednesday arrested two teenagers in Hollywood, FL, who they believe broke into their school last week and put glue in all the door locks. Investigators used surveillance video to help catch the pair. The cameras were installed last week for a school fund-raising project called http://www.teachersbangingstudents.com.

Dylan Walsh

Actor Dylan Walsh is 43 today. I still can not believe Dylan took Brenda's name when they got married on '90210.'

Nice Piggy

"I am an A--hole!"

George Clooney is Sexy

George Clooney is back on top after People magazine named the Oscar winner the "sexiest man alive" for the second time. Shut out again was Sam Cassell.

Bush Voodoo

A renowned black magic practitioner performed a voodoo ritual Thursday to jinx President George W. Bush and his entourage while he was on a brief visit to Indonesia. The President paid him no mind because George W. Bush does not care about black magic.

Spanish Burger King

Burger King should yank an ad campaign for its monster XXL burger -- the caloric equivalent of eating 10 fried eggs -- because it violates a Spanish initiative against obesity, the Health Ministry said Thursday. Also for removing the burger is the Sewer Department.

Chocolate is Good For You

A wayward band of chocoholics has accidentally proved to medical science what aficionados must have always hoped - that chocolate can be good for you. So says Dr. Hershey.

Clear Channel Sold

Clear Channel Communications Inc., the nation's biggest radio station owner, said Thursday it has agreed to be acquired for about $18.7 billion by an investment group led by Thomas H. Lee Partners LP and Bain Capital Partners LLC. Now you know the price of the devil's soul.

Detroit Shooting

Two men are suspected of shooting five people in the span of 10 minutes Thursday morning, killing two of them and wounded the others before fleeing on foot, police said. It is believed they beat their high score on 'Grand Theft Auto.'

U2 Wins Lawsuit

Irish rock band U2 emerged victorious Wednesday in a court battle with a former stylist it claimed had taken important memorabilia without permission nearly two decades ago. The most important piece of memorabilia was Bono's real hair.

Tom Cruise's Wedding

Tom Cruise has snubbed Oprah Winfrey by not inviting her to his wedding to Katie Holmes. Also not invited... this one kid who interviewed Tom Cruise as part of his school project.

Chinese Dogs

Beijing Dog owners have been scrambling to hide their pets in the face of a new crackdown which allows only one dog per household and bans breeds taller than 14 inches. This is what is known as a 'food surplus.'

e-Paper Trail

Citing the disputed vote in a Florida congressional district, Rep. Rush Holt, a Democratic lawmaker, on Wednesday urged Congress to approve his measure requiring a paper trail for electronic voting. He then admitted he did not know what 'electronic' meant.

Demons Made Me Do It

A New York woman told police she was overcome by "demons" when she smothered her 9-year-old son and then tried to kill herself by jumping in front of a subway. 'Demons' is legal speak for ape-sh*t crazy.

Bringing a Knife to School

A 5-year-old South Carolina kindergartner brought a folding pocket knife to school and faces expulsion, officials said Tuesday. The child will enroll in high school.

No Airplane Sex

A man arrested for allegedly engaging in "overt sexual activity" with his girlfriend on an airliner was lying with his head on her lap because he wasn't feeling well, his attorney said. He got motion sickness after banging his girlfriend.

Tsunami!

A powerful undersea earthquake prompted tsunami warnings Wednesday for Japan, Russia and Alaska, but the danger passed after a series of tiny waves hit the northern Japanese coast. News stations are pissed.

Reality Show Car Crash

Ms. Dynamite was recovering from a 100-mph crash that occurred during filming of "The Race," a car-racing reality show on Britain's Sky One TV network. Brian Johnson, lead singer of rock band AC/DC, struck the back of the British rapper's Formula Ford car at Silverstone racetrack in central England on Sunday. Johnson jumped out of his car and yelled, "You've been.... Thunder Struck!!"

Withdraw from Iraq

The nation's Catholic bishops, saying the United States needs to move past the "shrill and shallow debate" of last week's midterm Congressional elections, declared yesterday that the goal in Iraq should be justice and peace, rather than victory, and that the nation should withdraw its forces at the earliest opportunity, consistent with a responsible transition. Oh, and Chris Hansen should be eliminated.

Tons of Heroin

A raid on a New Milford, CT home netted $15 million in pure heroin, police said. Courtney Love could not be reached for comment.

Police Chief Quits

Barre, VT. police Chief Bill Waller didn't last long. He showed up for his first day of work Monday morning, and turned in his resignation at day's end. The stress of watching maple syrup drip from trees was too much.

Strip for Pie

Two Lenawee County Jail officers have been fired after authorities say they urged an inmate to strip and run naked around his cellblock in exchange for a piece of cherry pie. This is not what Warrant had in mind.

Rich Person Cruise

A matchmaking love boat cruise open only to male millionaires and "good-looking and desirable" women is slated to set sail later this month, a state-run Chinese newspaper said Tuesday. It is scheduled to go bankrupt early next month.

Welcome to the Social

"Welcome to the social." That's the slogan for Microsoft's new digital media player, the Zune, which hits stores today. And by social, Microsoft means you should wear headphones with music so loud you can not hear anything around you, while you avoid eye contact with other people on the subway.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Twelve gay and lesbian veterans appealed a federal judge's decision to throw out a lawsuit challenging the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. The good news is the book deals are still on the table.

Michael Jackson's Stalker

Michael Jackson is living in fear of his life after being stalked by a transvestite. He has removed all mirrors from his house.

Mick Jaggar's Dad

Sir Mick Jagger masked his grief during a Rolling Stones concert on Saturday after learning his beloved father Joe had died just a few hours earlier. Greed has a way of doing that.

Britney Spears Sex Tape

Britney Spears' estranged husband Kevin Federline is reportedly threatening to sell a homemade sex tape of the pair unless he receives £16 million and custody of their children. He then plans on selling his soul, again.

Denise Richards Throws a Laptop

Denise Richards has apologised for throwing a laptop over a balcony and nearly injuring an elderly lady. She did not apologize for 'Starship Troopers.'

Joseph Biden for President

Democratic Senator Joe Biden reaffirmed his intention to seek his party's nomination, though an announcement about establishing an exploratory committee probably will not come until early next year. Democratic strategists responded by saying, "Uh yeah. So how about that Barak Obama?"

Gerald Ford is Old

Gerald R. Ford has become the longest-living president in US history, surpassing Ronald Reagan, who died two years ago. Ford cites having beer and nachos with Homer Simpson as the key to his longevity.

Dead Candidate

A Democratic candidate for a county board who appeared in newspaper ads the weekend before the election sailed to victory with 12,000 votes -- despite being dead for a month. Yup, anyone who votes for a Republican is a dope.

Deer Stuck in Halloween Bucket

A deer whose head was stuck in a plastic Halloween jack-o'-lantern for nearly a week has freed itself and will be fine, animal rescuers said Saturday. Rescuers had planned to use a dart gun to tranquilize the yearling, then remove the bucket, meant for collecting candy. Not sure what they were waiting for. It has been a week.

Woman Shot 6 Times

A woman was released from the hospital a day after she was shot in the head six times in an attack police blamed on her ex-husband, Brazilian media reported Saturday. Another reason you should never buy a gun in Brazil.

Air Guitar T-Shirts

Scientists announced Monday that they have developed a high-tech T-shirt that turns the strumming of an air guitar into music. The T-shirt has motion sensors built into its elbows that pick up the wearer's arm motions and relay them wirelessly to a computer which interprets them as guitar riffs. All attendees at Linkin Park shows are encouraged to wear these shirts to drown out the band.

Pamela Anderson's Miscarriage

Pamela Anderson has suffered a miscarriage. The former 'Baywatch' star, who is married to Kid Rock, lost her baby last week. Doctors have ruled it a suicide.

Maggot Therapy

Veterinarians at Oklahoma State University Veterinary Hospital successfully used maggots to clear away dead flesh from a horse that had been bitten by a rattlesnake. The horse now sees a shrink four days a week.

12-Year Old Drives Car

A 12-year-old took his 7-year-old brother for a two-hour joy ride in the family car while their mother was napping. Instead of watching TV, like his mother thought he was doing, Kenny Rodriguez, accompanied by his brother, Miguel Pepin, cruised the busy Grand Central Parkway and even parallel parked before police finally found them at a friend's house. He is now teaching driver's ed because he is one of twelve people that can parallel park.

When Ostriches Attack

A pair of men are facing animal cruelty charges for allegedly shooting an ostrich that attacked them when they trespassed on a ranch on Halloween. In fairness to the men, the ostrich was giving out crappy candy.

Stolen Dog

Jerry Henderson watched helplessly out his kitchen window on Wednesday as someone snatched his Pomeranian from his front yard and drove off. It is being treated as a hate crime, as Henderson is clearly gay.

George Washington Beheaded

Vandals beheaded a statue of George Washington at one of the world's largest cathedrals and left a dollar bill on what was left of the neck, police said Friday. Thousands of homeless have now set up shop next to the Ben Franklin statue.

Bruins Waive Brookbank and Hoggan

Bruins forwards Wade Brookbank and Jeff Hoggan, both of whom have produced little in the early going of the new NHL season, were placed on waivers today, according to source with direct access to the NHL waiver wire. Good thing Peter Chiarelli was not the GM of the Buffalo Sabres in 1989. He would have put a Band-Aid on Clint Malarchuk's neck.

Bill Cosby Settles

Bill Cosby settled a lawsuit Wednesday with a woman who said the entertainer drugged and sexually assaulted her at his home outside Philadelphia. Michael Jackson applauded the move.

I Have Misplaced My Pants

Alitalia's female flight attendants will be allowed to swap their traditional skirts for trousers, breaking with half a century of rigid dress code at Italy's flagship carrier, a union said Thursday. Males will stap flap in the wind.

Shaving Eyebrows

A makeover and a trim led to assault charges against a teenager. Dallas R. Esparza, 16, of Cedar Rapids, is accused of shaving off the eyebrows of Shawn Weaver while he was unconscious, police said. He immediately joined Thi Kappa Delta.

Flaming Poop

John Kimberlin hopes to light a fire under his idea of using manure to produce heat and electricity. Kimberlin, of Waukee, believes he has perfected a small-scale furnace that can be used on farms, at racetracks, or anywhere else livestock waste piles up. The best use of the new furnace is put it in front of someone's door, ringing the bell, and running away.

Speeding in a Police Parking Lot

A Marathon man reportedly driving with a suspended license and carrying drugs picked the wrong place to speed: the parking lot of the Monroe County jail. The right place to speed and carry drugs? The Kennedy Compound.

Nick Lachey's Birthday

Singer Nick Lachey is 33 today. He is dreamy everyday.

Kissing Record

Just 1,188 kissers showed up in Paris on Thursday to try to break the record for the most people kissing in one spot at one moment, Guinness World Records said. They failed to break Budapest's 2005 record for 11,570 people. They did, however, break the record for most unshowered people in one spot.

$10,000 Steak

Tom Cruise splashed out $10,000 on a steak dinner for fiancée Katie Holmes. The 'Mission: Impossible' star took the mother of his daughter, Suri, to Beverly Hills' Mastro's Steakhouse where he hired a private dining room, usually reserved for up to 20 people. Cruise then lit a pile of money on fire and told every janitor in America to go fu*k themselves.

Thriller

Michael Jackson will perform "Thriller" from his famed 1982 album in a rare public appearance at the World Music Awards next week, organizers said Wednesday. Jackson is not enthusiastic about singing his biggest hit, citing that the song is 24 years old.

Minority Leader

Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., told fellow Republican lawmakers on Wednesday he does not intend to run for minority leader when Democrats take control of the House in January, officials said. Hastert cited being white as the reason for not running for minority leader.

Britney Spears Divorce

Britney Spears cited "irreconcilable differences" in court papers filed Tuesday seeking dissolution of her marriage to aspiring rapper Kevin Federline. Millions of people say 'I told you so' as if they were the only people that saw this coming.

Donald Rumsfield Resigns

President Bush announced he has selected a new defense secretary to replace Donald Rumsfeld. The liberal voting block stopped whining for six seconds.

Gatorland Fire

A three-alarm fire broke out in one of central Florida's oldest attractions, killing three animals but injuring no one at Gatorland. Steve Irwin's death will be avenged! Look out stingrays.

Lawyers Steal

A North Georgia lawyer on Monday pleaded guilty to federal charges that he stole $800,000 from clients to pay his bills, make home repairs and cover his girlfriend's rent and utilities. He pleaded guilty to being a lawyer.

Cop Shoots Himself

A Kentucky police officer trying to unload his gun accidentally shot himself while driving on an Indiana highway, police said. He shot four more rounds before he successfully unloaded the gun.

Pot Burgers

Two police officers have sued Burger King Corp., claiming they were served hamburgers that had been sprinkled with marijuana. Thousands of teenagers have descended on the New Mexico fast food joint claiming those burgers are made 'their way.'

Peter Brady is 49

Actor Christopher Knight ("The Brady Bunch") is 49 today. He is also jacked.

Samuel Bowers is Dead

Former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard Samuel Bowers died yesterday in a US state penitentiary in the Mississippi Delta. Flags in Mississippi and New Hampshire will be at half mast until further notice.

Vanishing on a Cruise

Staff of a cruise ship spent Sunday morning searching for a 42-year-old passenger who reportedly went overboard. The staff looked everywhere except the ocean.

Naked at the Waffle House

A couple that began squabbling in a motel room Friday morning carried their dispute over to an adjacent Waffle House restaurant in the nude, police said. Unfortunately, the coupled looked like the kind of couple that would go to a Waffle House, and several people got sick.

Robbing a Bus

Police charged a suspect after a bus driver was robbed of his fares, then realized the suspect was a 3-month old baby. The police, out of habit, still sodomized the baby with a plunger.

Shooing Cars with BB Guns

A teenager pointed his BB pistol at the wrong car. The car stopped and the two men inside pulled out their real .40-caliber Glock handguns. They were undercover police driving an unmarked car. Apparently, there is a right car at which to shoot a BB gun.

Confiscated Mummy

Police have confiscated mummified human skeletal remains from the home of a woman who police say was trying to sell them on eBay. The ashes inside the urn on the fireplace mantle and the deer head on the wall in the basement, they're cool.

Stonewall Jackson

Country singer Stonewall Jackson is 74 today. He announced the South will rise again.

No Violence in Iraq

The surge in violence expected immediately after the Sunday verdict on Saddam Hussein's trial for crimes against humanity did not materialize. Democrats have resorted to telling Sunnis that Shiites have been talking about them behind their back to help raise the violence in anticipation of Tuesday's mid-term elections.

Dane Cook at Madison Square Garden

Dane Cook will headline two shows at New York's Madison Square Garden, a rare accomplishment for a standup comedian. Cook's aim is to be unfunny in front of 40,000 people.

Britney Spears in a Wig

Britney Spears attended her husband's album launch party in disguise - because she didn't want to steal his limelight. Her cover was blown she realized she made up 50% of the people at the party.

Mowing the Lawn

Police have arrested a Burlington County man for using a lawn mower to cut a slur in the grass in an open field. Denis E. Westphal, 19, of Edgewater Park turned himself in to the Edgewater Park Township police on Thursday, a day after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest. In all fairness, Denis was just trying to spell his own name.

MySpace Pervert

A man who posted his own sex offender registry photo on the social networking site MySpace.com is back behind bars. Christian Paul Dutton, 47, of Wheeling, WV, thought it was best to skip the whole 'Dateline' embarrassment, not pass 'Go', and go straight to jail.

Norberg

A new sort of family feud kicks off Friday evening, as the Joneses try to keep up with -- and surpass -- the Norbergs. The contest? Killing your wife and waiter.

Unsafe Runway

A new report says over half of US airports, including Boston's Logan, don't have a 1,000-foot margin at the end of a runway. Logan does have a 1,000 mile margin called the Atlantic Ocean.

John DePetro fired

WRKO Radio talk show host John DePetro was fired this morning after he made a derogatory remark Thursday about the sexual orientation and the weight of Green-Rainbow party gubernatorial candidate Grace Ross, calling her a "fat lesbian." Ironically, Ross admits to being both fat and a lesbian.

Drunk Quarterback

School officials have suspended the star quarterback of the Woodland Regional High School football team for two games, a week after his arrest on drunken driving charges. Drop the word 'star' and story changes from 'two games' to 'rest of his high school career.'

Hiring the Rolling Stones

The Rolling Stones charge an astonishing £4 million for a private show - making them the most expensive party music act ever. And also the worst.

Linday Lohan's Underwear

The British boy band group, McFly - who starred in Lindsay Lohan's film 'Just My Luck' - want to mail some knickers to the actress after she was photographed accidentally flashing her crotch while getting out of a car. Somebody stop them. Use force if necessary.

Hitler for Halloween

A Brooklyn high school student caused a stir when he showed up for class dressed as Adolf Hitler for Halloween. The student defended his costume Tuesday, insisting it was a satire of the Nazi dictator. Plus, he was really, really desperate for attention.

Scary Halloween Costume

A jail went into lockdown and recounted its prisoners on Halloween night after a former inmate was spotted trick-or-treating in his old orange prisoner's jumpsuit. A similar incident happened in Florida when O.J. Simpson was spotted walking on a golf course.

Tasing Cows

A Taser doesn't faze cattle, something Johnson City police found that out Monday afternoon while trying to force a bull and cow off a city street. Bullets still work.

Postal Worker Bit by Squirrel

Barb Dougherty, a 30-year Postal Service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering mail in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh. Good thing she did not have any nuts.

Lawyers Steal

A Mont Vernon lawyer who already has agreed to give up his home to settle a lawsuit, now says he'll plead guilty to stealing more than $1 million from clients. James Hobbs, 47, will plead guilty to being a lawyer.

Stealing Pizza

A sheriff's deputy sniffed out two men suspected of robbing a pizza delivery woman when he caught a whiff of pepperoni and sausage pizza at their home. The recent rash of sperm bank robberies remains unsolved.

Trump's Flag

Donald Trump's display of patriotism is apparently too flamboyant for this chic oceanside town. Palm Beach officials cited Trump for hoisting a large American flag atop an 80-foot pole at his lavish Mar-a-Lago estate and club. Trump is just glad his name was in the paper.

Mystery Pumpkins

Nobody knows who, but someone with a lot of Halloween spirit decorated this small southern Colorado town with hundreds and hundreds of pumpkins. Officials do know the decorator was very bored.