Josh Hartnett's Acting Career

Josh Hartnett has blamed work pressures for ruining his romance with Scarlett Johansson. The problem being that she is working and he is not.

No More Uma

Uma Thurman is considering giving up acting to devote herself to her children. The next second she realized she was too vapid to do that.

South Dakota Abortions

An abortion ban bill introduced Wednesday in the South Dakota state House would allow exceptions for rape and incest, but only if the crimes are reported to authorities with DNA evidence. Also, authorities would appreciate it if you women could bring in pictures, a note from the rapist, and a bag of Cheetos.

Curt Schilling

Boston Red Sox ace Curt Schilling says he isn't looking for a raise now that he's decided to play in 2008 -- he just wants a contract. He added, "Remember when I said I did not want a raise? That is code, for 'I want a raise.'"

Pulling a Kennedy

A Clinton man was charged with drunken driving after officials say he drove his vehicle onto the ice-covered Mississippi River near Sabula. At least the icy water sobered him up.

Rent-A-Girlfriend

A desperate Chinese university student wants to "rent" a girlfriend for 10 days so he can show her off to his parents over the Lunar New Year holiday, state media reported Wednesday. You have to buy her a suede jacket. Hasn't this guy ever seen 'Can't Buy Me Love.'

Brandy's Car Crash

Brandy could face manslaughter charges following her involvement in a fatal car crash. She plans on pleading Halle Berry.

Bad Parents

A Massachusetts father has sued Continental Airlines for allowing his ex-wife to fly to Mexico with their 3-year-old daughter without receiving his permission. He is also suing Mexico for accepting his ex-wife and daughter without asking his permission.

Greasy and Naked

A high school lunch period was disrupted Monday by a greased, naked student who ran around screaming and flailing his arms until police twice used a stun gun on him, authorities said. In a related story, Michael Jackson is returning to school to get his G.E.D.

Dead Pilgrims

Assailants struck Shiite and Sunni worshippers in four Iraqi cities Tuesday, killing at least 44 pilgrims in bombings and ambushes during the climax of ceremonies marking Ashoura, the holiest day in the Shiite calendar. Get out of Iraq, they have bombs that travel back to the 1600s.

Bruins Make a Roster Change

The Boston Bruins made a roster change today as rookie forward David Krejci had been recalled from Providence (AHL) and left winger Jeff Hoggan has been placed on waivers. Up next, putting a Band-Aid on cancer.

Courtney Cox Sex Scenes

Courteney Cox has banned husband David Arquette from watching her film her sex scenes in new US TV drama 'Dirt'. She also plans to start taking her work home with her.

Jennifer Connoly Hates Diamonds

"Blood Diamond" star Jennifer Connelly has admitted she will never enjoy diamonds again after learning about the conflict concerning the diamond industry in Sierra Leone. Don't get her wrong, she'll still wear them and accept them, she just won't enjoy them.

Democrat Majority

President Bush said Monday he wasn't trying to disparage the party now running Congress by referring to it as the "Democrat majority" -- as opposed to the "Democratic majority" -- in his State of the Union speech. He truly does not know the difference.

Porn in the Morn'

An event billed as "Porn and Pancakes" is being hosted by a church in rural upstate New York. Big deal, I call that Saturday.

Burning Down the House

A former city firefighter fined $200 after he and a girlfriend had sex in an unfinished house now has been charged with arson for setting fire to the structure. Gotta be careful when you rub two sticks together.

Bye Bye Barbaro

Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized today after complications from his breakdown at the Preakness last May. Deadspin.com has now been shut down.

Scarlett to Harvard

Harvard Univeristy's Hasty Pudding Theatricals has announced Scarlett Johansson as the recipient of the 2007 Woman of the Year award. Commence stalking.

Kids, Don't Smoke

Doctors have found that a spot in the brain may control smoking urge. It is called 'common sense.'

Gettin' Diabetes

Bad news when it comes to diabetics and exercise: Most people with Type 2 diabetes or at risk for it apparently ignore their doctors' advice to be active. No kidding, how do you think they got diabetes.

Defrocking

A Roman Catholic priest who's in prison for raping a teenage boy in the 1980s has been defrocked by the Vatican, the Boston Archdiocese said Friday. The defrocking ceremony gave him a boner.

One-Upping Your Sister

Nicole Cramer had little idea when she went to the hospital to see her twin sister's newborn son that within hours, she would give birth to a son of her own. You would think the big belly with an unborn baby inside would give here some idea that she may give birth.

National Lamb Day

New Zealanders' love affair with sheep gained official recognition Friday when the agriculture minister declared Feb. 15 "National Lamb Day." There will be a 50% off sale at Crazy Louie's Sex Shop.

Britney to Rehab?

Kevin Federline is reportedly urging estranged wife Britney Spears to go into rehab for her own sake as well as for their children. And for the sake of his financial settlement.

Anne Heche Divorce

Anne Heche and her husband are separating after five years of marriage, her spokeswoman said Wednesday. Guess who's gay again...

Lindsay Lohan's Appendix

Lindsay Lohan was so worried her appendix would be sold on eBay she kept it in her freezer. That way she can sell it.

John Lennon Movie

'Chapter 27' - the new film about John Lennon's assassination - has been branded an insult to the music legend's memory. 'Chapter 27' in Japanese is pronounced Yoko Ono.

Dakota Fanning

Twelve-year-old actress Dakota Fanning is at the centre of a row over a new movie that depicts her being raped by a teenage boy. Suddenly Britney Spears is number two on the list of worst celebrity mother.

Microsoft Truths

Microsoft has got itself in trouble with Wikipedia for paying experts to write "accurate information" about it in the online encyclopaedia. It goes against the unwritten rule that all information on the internet be incorrect.

What Does Ivana Think?

Donald Trump's ex-wife Ivana has weighed in on the feud between the billionaire developer and TV co-host Rosie O'Donnell, accusing them of milking their war of words for publicity value. You can't get anything by that Ivana.

Woman Falls in Lake

A woman going to the bathroom outside lost her balance and fell into Lake Erie, said police, who had to pull her out of the frigid water. Women, can't live with them, can't pee standing up.

Charlie Weis' Tummy

Charlie Weis's malpractice lawsuit puts the high-risk gastric bypass surgery in the spotlight. Namely, that it does not work.

No Kerry in '08

Sen. John Kerry plans to announce today that he won't run for president, and will instead seek reelection to his Senate seat next year. This after Adrian Balboa told him, "You Can't Win!"

Rage Against the Machine Reunites

Rage Against the Machine will reunite to headline the 2007 Coachella Valley Music and Arts festival in April, the band's first performance since 2000. Rich, suburban, white kids that can not find Tibet on a map are ecstatic.

Cocaine Broccoli

Border agents found more than 1,200 pounds of cocaine valued at $40 million hidden in the floor of a truck full of broccoli, U.S. Customs and Border Protection said Monday. I'm still not eating broccoli.

Glue-Eating Dog

A black Labrador retriever is expected to fully recover following surgery to escape a sticky situation, swallowing a quarter of a bottle of Gorilla Glue. The dog always had a thing for horses.

Putting Bird

David Cota spent months training his Indian ringneck parakeet A.J. to use a tiny putter to sink putts on a miniature green, making the 5-inch tall bird an Internet video star. A.J. is the second-best Indian golfer, behind only Vijay Singh.

Free Staters Unite

More than a thousand small-government activists have pledged to move to New Hampshire within two years, leaders said. Then again, they were baked at the time.

Lil' Wayne Sued

Lil' Wayne has been sued by promoters who claim he missed a concert date and refused to reschedule it. Sounds like he was doing the promoters a favor.

Britney Spears Dumps Boyfriend

Britney Spears has already ended her relationship with Isaac Cohen. Thank you Britney, I had no desire to learn the name of another no-talent parasite.

Beer for Dogs

Terrie Berenden, a pet shop owner in the southern Dutch town of Zelhem, created a beer for her Weimaraners made from beef extract and malt. It's the least she could do after cutting off its balls.

Linda Blair

Actress Linda Blair is 48 today. She has now been wash up for 39 years.

Snowing in Arizona

More than a foot of snow fell on parts of northern Arizona, and several more inches were possible Monday, while children as far south as Tucson got a rare chance to play in the snow. The next stop on the Global Warming West Coast Tour is Santa Fe.

Jennifer Aniston Sleepwalks

Jennifer Aniston has started sleepwalking. Something blatantly obvious to anybody who saw 'Along Came Polly.'

Sin City

Angelina Jolie has been replaced as the star of 'Sin City 2' by Rachel Weisz. Director Robert Rodriguez cited 'making a good movie' as the reason behind Jolie's dismissal.

No 'Dreamgirls' for Diana

Diana Ross hasn't seen 'Dreamgirls' - the film based on her life. The 62-year-old diva also confessed she hadn't seen the original stage version either. Also, she is a huge liar.

Solar Roof

Los Angeles-based Solar Integrated Technologies has struck a deal with British supermarket chain Tesco to build what it says is the world's biggest roof-top solar panel installation. By removing the roof, the solar panel will be known as the sun.

Obey the Snow Gods

Some ski slope workers shaved their heads to appease the snow gods. Others sacrificed mock skis and snowboards in a bonfire, in hopes of some much needed snow at Vermont ski resorts. But mostly, they just smoked a lot of pot.

Lucky Sevens

Wedding planners say July 7th -- or 7/7/07 -- as the date appears in print, has become the most popular day in years to get married. The top choice amongst men is February 29.

Stealing a GPS

Three thieves who allegedly stole 14 global positioning system devices didn't get away with their crime for long. The devices led police right to their home. The same thing happened last year when three men stole bread crumbs.

Jennifer Garner Losing Weight

Jennifer Garner battled to lose her post-baby weight for the Golden Globes. She is very unhappy about being human.

Smoking Birds

A giant bird's nest littered with dozens of cigarette butts is leading investigators to believe that a feathery firebug may have torched a Huntington office building. First camels, now birds. Phillip Morris does not have a heart.

MySpace Sued

Four families have sued News Corp. and its MySpace social-networking site after their underage daughters were sexually abused by adults they met on the site, lawyers for the families said Thursday. Other lawsuits will be brought against the woods, the parking lot behind the library, and english class.

Obama for President

Illinois Senator Barack Obama has taken the first big step in a possible run for the White House. Selling his soul.

The Police are Back

The Police are to reform for their first tour in 20 years. First step, do a cover of Puff Daddy's 'I'll be Missing You.'

Pregnant Chimp

At Caddo Parish's Chimp Haven, where retired male chimpanzees all get vasectomies, a female chimp has turned up pregnant. This is how religion starts.

Robbing the Wrong House

A man was arrested Tuesday on charges of attempted burglary and car theft after he rattled the doorknob and pounded on the front door at the home of the head of the police union, authorities said. The head of the union was, of course, not at work.

Cleaning Chimpanzee

An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator. The chimpanzee was then brought to the bathroom and given some smelling salts.

Jet Li's Sex Scenes

Action star Jet Li says he struggles with love scenes in his movies because of his introverted personality. And his broken english.

Muhammad Ali Snacks

Muhammad Ali is lending his name, image and reputation as the "Greatest Of All Time" to a snack food brand aimed at 18- to 24-year-olds. You can wash it down with a shake.

Store Explosion

Four men exploded swimming pool chemicals at a Wal-Mart as a distraction to avoid a shoplifting arrest, creating a cloud that sent four people to the hospital, authorities said. It did help kill the smell of Wal-Mart.

It's Like Riding a Bike

George Hood didn't go to Disney World after riding a stationary bike for an apparent record of 85 hours. He checked into a hospital. A psychiatric hospital because he thought he traveled the country on a bike.

Michelle Wie Not Good

Playing the Sony Open for the fourth straight year, Michelle Wie hit into the water twice, the bunker twice, clipped two palm trees and didn't hit a fairway until the 15th hole for a score or 78, finishing second to last. Abe Mariano was the only golfer to finish behind Wie. Woody Allen is jealous because it's his dream to finish behind Michelle Wie.

Kurt Cobain's New Movie

Courtney Love is in talks to make a film about her late husband Kurt Cobain. It is a scientific film about the affects a parasite has on its host.

Lighting Your House on Fire

A man who tried to keep bees off his property accidentally set fire to his house instead, causing at least $500 damage. Fortunately, he lived in a cardboard box under a bridge.

Dying in a Vent

A 280-pound man who tried to break into a craft and hobby store by crawling in through a cooling duct got stuck and died, authorities said. Rather than transport him to the morgue, police left him there until the funeral.

Guilty Conscience

Thirty-six years of suffering a guilty conscience finally has proven too much for a German who shoplifted from a small store while on vacation in Norway in 1970. It is the first reported case of a German with a guilty conscience.

50 Cent Condoms

50 Cent is to launch his own range of condoms. They each come with nine holes.

Harper Lee

Reclusive author Harper Lee attended a high school play based on her book, "To Kill a Mockingbird," on Wednesday, then met with students who appeared in the production. It was awkward when a student pointed out that Lee has written the same amount of books as Paris Hilton

David Beckham to MLS

David Beckham will leave Real Madrid at the end of the season to join the Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer in a five-year deal. Both MLS fans are ecstatic.

Barak Obama Burger

John Kerry has been dropped from the menu at Bartley's Burger Cottage in Harvard Square as Barack Obama is in and Kerry is out. The 1/4 lb. burger tastes like white guilt.

Brooke Burke's Baby

It's a girl for television host Brooke Burke and actor-singer David Charvet. Burke, 35, gave birth Monday to Heaven Rain Charvet in Santa Monica, her publicist Nancy Iannios said. The baby has Burke's lack of talent and Charvet's washed-up-ness.

Gary Glitter

Former British glam rocker Gary Glitter, convicted of molesting two Vietnamese girls, may be released early from his three-year sentence, a prison official said Wednesday. Upon release, he is going to crash on Roman Polanski's place.

Angry Coach

A former high school basketball coach faces 39 charges for allegedly hitting male students in the groin, showing them pornography and pouring water on his players then driving them to games in the winter with the windows rolled down. He must now coach college players.

Rats in the Sewer

Residents of a neighborhood next to the University of Arizona say small white rats have been swimming through sewer pipes and into their toilets. I see where this is going. Two white rats fall into a toilet...

Going Back to Prison

Danny Robert Villegas liked prison so much he staged a robbery just to get back in, police say. Somebody watches too much 'Prison Break.'

Drunken Postman

A mail carrier had a blood-alcohol level nearly four times the legal limit when he was arrested for driving his delivery truck into oncoming traffic and crashing into a sign, Wisconsin police said. Residents are just happy he was not armed.

Lilly

Evangeline Lilly is reportedly considering quitting 'Lost' in the wake of the fire that destroyed her home. She figures the best way to fix her house is to lose her source of income.

Ted Kennedy Wants Longer School Days

US Senator Edward M. Kennedy plans today in Washington to tout Massachusetts' push for longer school days as a national model, saying students need additional time to master 21st- century skills in a new global economy. The most important skill is learning how to hire people to take your tests without getting caught.

New York Stinks

A mysterious, powerful smell of natural gas throughout much of Manhattan forced evacuations of some buildings and a temporary suspension of a commuter train service on Monday morning as authorities scrambled to determine the source. A wall has been built around New Jersey.

Keeping Highways Safe

New Hampshire's Transportation Department is using a new approach and new equipment to keep two major highways safer from snow and ice, and with less salt. It is called 'Global Warming.'

Tigger Please

A Walt Disney World employee dressed as the character "Tigger" was accused of hitting a child while posing for a photo, a spokeswoman for the theme park said Saturday. The parents are upset because that is their job.

Anti-Semitic blogspot

When you make a post in blogspot, you are required to type in a word verification. This is one that I got today. I did not realize Jesse Jackson owns blogspot.

Lindsay Lohan's Appendix

Lindsay Lohan has had her appendix removed after being rushed to hospital on Thursday. She is said to be doing well and excited to lose two pounds.

Teri Hatcher's Period

Teri Hatcher has stopped suffering from period cramps - because the planets are now aligned favourably for her. The 'Desperate Housewives' actress, who is a keen believer in astrology, thinks her stars are the reason for the mysterious disappearance of her menstrual pains and current cheerful demeanour. Her astrological sign is menopause.

Two-Faced Calf

A calf with two faces was born Dec. 27 at Heldreth Dairy Farm, and word has spread in southwest Virginia as residents flock to his farm. Four-eyes is expected to be slaughtered tomorrow.

Rats and Beans

About half of Oak Ridge Preschool's 206 students had been served Wednesday when a teacher distributing their meals spotted suspected rodent remains in the green beans. Thirty minutes later, the teacher mentioned the discovery.

Booze and Snooze

A burglar who smashed a glass door to break into a house couldn't quite find his way back out after treating himself to some beans and booze, then passing out. The home owners have been instructed to wait three days before lighting a match.

Marilyn Manson Divorce

Richard Johnson of the New York Post's Page Six column reports that Marilyn Manson's wife, burlesque dancer Dita Von Teese (real name: Heather Sweet), has filed for divorce after only a year of marriage, citing "irreconcilable differences." Today is also Manson's 38th birthday. Happy Birthday Marilyn, hope you asked to lose half your money for your birthday.

Nick Saban Hearts College

Nick Saban said today that he left the Miami Dolphins to become football coach at the University of Alabama because his heart was still in the college game. Lucky for him, he carries his heart in his wallet.

Negroponte Resigns

In an unexpected move, John Negroponte, the US director of national intelligence, is leaving his post to move to the State Department. His name still makes me nervous.

Deval Patrick Sworn In

Deval Laurdine Patrick was sworn in Thursday as the 71st governor of Massachusetts, the culmination of a longshot political campaign that also saw him become the state's first black chief executive and only the second elected in the nation. In this case, longshot means being the front-runner from the start of the primary.

Dogs and Drugs

A Burlington woman has been charged with trying to get painkillers from a drug store by using her dog's name. Now poor Snots' sinus condition is only going to get worse.

Dead Dolphins on Cape Cod

Two more dolphins have been found dead on Cape Cod beaches, bringing the total number of strandings in the past week to 17. If Ted Kennedy does not approve the wind farms, expect more of these dolphins to ruin his precious view.

Demi Moore Wants Kids

Demi Moore wants to have children with toyboy husband Ashton Kutcher. Faced with the reality that she can no longer act, Moore sees kids as the only way she can get the publicity she so desperately needs.

Ryan Wants Reese

Ryan Phillippe wants estranged wife Reese Witherspoon back. Mainly he needs the money.

Whitney Houston's Clothes

Whitney Houston is set to auction hundreds of her famous stage outfits and accessories. The most valuable part of the outfits is the cocaine residue.

Kid Rock Fighting Tommy Lee

Kid Rock wanted to beat up Tommy Lee on New Year's Eve - but broke into the wrong hotel room. Yet another failure for Kid Rock.

School Shooting

A gunman shot and killed a male student at a high school in Tacoma, Washington before the start of classes on Wednesday, a police spokesman said. The gunman felt obligated because it had been two months since a school shooting.

Dying on a Mountain

A Maine man died during a moonlit hike on New Hampshire's Mount Monadnock early Wednesday. No word if he had a pail of water.

Romney for President

Massachusetts Republican Gov. Mitt Romney, a former venture capitalist credited with turning around the scandal-hit Salt Lake City Olympics in 2002, took the first steps on Wednesday toward a 2008 White House bid. Late-Night talk show hosts are giddy and ready to unleash anti-Mormon jokes.

Knocking Out Your Fiancee

A man who proposed to his girlfriend at a New Year's party allegedly knocked her out with a steering wheel lock just hours after she said yes, police said. In other words, in took him only a few hours to come to his senses.

Slippery Prisoner

A Lithuanian held on suspicion of theft in an Arctic Norway jail slipped out of custody -- literally -- by stripping naked, smearing himself with vegetable oil and sliding through the prison bars, police said Wednesday. Anybody else have a boner?

Oprah's New School

Oprah Winfrey, the American talk-show host, will today open her school, offering poor South African girls a chance for a better future and fulfilling a promise made to the former President, Nelson Mandela, six years ago. It took so long because Oprah struggled to find sponsors to pay for the project.

New 'Indiana Jones'

Director George Lucas said Friday that filming for the much-anticipated "Indiana Jones" movie will begin next year. The hope is for it to be a complete bomb in Summer 2008.

Doin' Mannequins

A man who has a history of smashing windows to indulge his fetish for female mannequins could draw a long prison term for his latest arrest. Probably would have been easier to get a job at the mall.

Poisoning the Dog

A 55-year-old woman was arrested for cooking up a lethal batch of meatballs mixed with rat poison and feeding it to a neighbor's dog because she didn't like its barking. The dog survived so she's a failure of a cook.