Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy stormed out of the Oscars after losing the Best Supporting Actor award, it has been reported. Coincidentally, Scary Spice walked in just as Murphy lost the Best Supporting Actor award.

Ian Wallace

Ian Wallace, a journeyman drummer who toured with Bob Dylan, Don Henley, Bonnie Raitt and recorded with Stevie Nicks, Ry Cooder and other music stars, has died. He was 60. And probably high.

Chinese School

Massachusetts State education officials Tuesday granted a license to the state's first charter school to be taught mostly in Chinese, allowing it to open this fall. It is part of the state's plan to eliminate the 'melting pot' theory and replace it with the 'egg carton' theory.

Bear Bites Dog

A 27-year-old rural Cataract man said his 8-year-old mixed-breed hound jumped between him and an attacking black bear Thursday night, saving his life but giving up his own. The dog was said to have a 'Napoleon' complex.

Lottery Winner

Ed O'Neill's bank account just got a lot bigger, thanks to a co-worker who told him some "idiot" hasn't claimed an $800,000 Powerball lottery prize. It is the biggest day in O'Neill's since he scored four touchdowns for Polk High.

Lindsay and Drew

Drew Barrymore has warned Lindsay Lohan not to follow in her troubled footsteps. In other words, do not make a movie about a Red Sox fan.

Mild

Thanks in part to the mild winter, New Hampshire is having a mild flu season. And this is mildly entertaining.

Hero Bus Driver

Bus security cameras show a 3-year old girl getting off the bus with a cheery "Bye!" and walking straight into traffic on a busy street. The bus driver, Chris Leslie, 38, is pictured streaking out the door after her and saving her. No one knows why the bus driver was naked.

Teacher Buying Pot

A middle school teacher trying to buy pot was arrested after she sent text messages to state trooper instead of a dealer, police said. School officials added, "At least she wasn't banging a student."

Paisley

Brad Paisley and Kimberly Williams-Paisley are the parents of a baby boy. Good thing it was not a girl because they wanted to name her Paisley.

Hugging Bandit

Police are warning men about the "Hugging Bandit," who heartily embraces men coming out of downtown bars and leaves them wallet-less. "Hugging Bandit" is police-speak for 'hooker.'

Vilsack Drops Out

A senior campaign official says former Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack will drop his bid for the Democratic presidential nomination. Officials expect Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton to split his votes. Both of them.

Uma Thurman

Uma Thurman says the worst chat-up line she has ever heard is that she looks like Uma Thurman. Try being Danny DeVito.

Yellow Submarine

A 3 1/2-ton yellow submarine has fallen off the radar. The 10-foot-long sub, built by a resident to patrol Monterey Bay during the 1940s and 1950s, was reported missing Feb. 15 from its Santa Cruz Mountains berth on Steinmaier Road by owner Carl Barker. It was last seen being chased by a walrus in an octupus garden.

Ticket Yourself

A police chief who ticketed himself for a traffic violation says that he has received congratulatory e-mails from all over the globe and that he has even turned down money to cover the fine. He did, however, tear his rotator cuff patting himself on the back.

Pot Car

A couple from Washington state faces charges after auto workers found more than 150 pounds of marijuana in their pickup's jerry-rigged gas tank and alerted police. The couple had stashed 200 pounds, but the auto workers "totally don't know who bogarted the other 50 pounds."

Miracle on Ice

On this date in 1980, the U.S. Olympic hockey team upset the Soviets at Lake Placid, N.Y., 4-3. The U.S. team went on to win the gold medal. Judging by ESPN's hockey coverage, a NHL game has not been played since.

Anna Nicole Smith's Enabler

Anna Nicole Smith's ex-boyfriend testified Thursday that he attempted to curb the starlet's drug use as the judge referred to longtime companion Howard K. Stern as "maybe an enabler." Stern added the judge "maybe an attention-starved never-was, trolling for a reality show."

Guns 'N' Roses Back?

Guns 'N' Roses frontman Axl Rose - who continues to perform under the band's name with new musicians - has buried the hatchet with original drummer Stevie Adler. The hatchet can be found between Adler's shoulder blades.

Drunk Driving

Michelle Rodriguez holds everyone but herself responsible for her drunk driving convictions. Technically, the convictions are not her fault. The drunk driving maybe, but not the convictions. That's the lawyer's fault.

Israeli Bus

Stressed-out commuters got a peaceful surprise as they boarded an Israeli bus on Tuesday: a yoga instructor with a microphone coaching them how to breathe correctly. And no bombs.

Cat Bag

Animal control authorities are not amused by a fast food chain's marketing stunt encouraging customers to dress their cats in a special take out bag. Checkers Drive-In avoided the wrath by explaining they were not a Chinese food restaurant.

Kelly Like-y Britney

Kelly Clarkson has said Britney Spears still "looks hot" with a bald head. Clarkson is clearly heterosexual.

Celebrating at Church

For Oscar nominee Jennifer Hudson, there was no question where she'd celebrate her success in the week leading up to the Academy Awards -- at her family's church. Because when your 15 minutes fades, God will be there for you.

Snow Fight Fire

A volunteer firefighter who was the first to arrive at the scene of a Shelton house fire used snow from the lawn to put out most of the flames. The problem? It was yellow.

Graveyard Marriage

It's not the traditional "till death do us part," but Scott Amsler and Miranda Patterson believe getting hitched in a graveyard is just thinking outside the box. And a giant scream for attention.

Passing Out with Charlie Weis

A Suffolk Superior Court judge declared a mistrial in former Patriot coach Charlie Weis's medical malpractice lawsuit today after two doctors involved in the case came to the aid of juror who passed out during testimony. No one is positive what caused the juror to pass out but most are sure it had to do with testimony about operating on Weis' enormous, flabby belly.

Scarlett Johansson Likes Pudding.

Scarlett Johansson happily took part in an elaborate prize-giving ceremony yesterday after being crowned the Harvard Hasty Pudding woman of the year. I'm sorry, I passed out when I heard pudding and Scarlett Johansson in the same sentence.

Cornell Paroled

Chris Cornell is leaving rock group Audioslave, citing "I'm Chris 'F-n' Cornell." Cornell also cited a need to make "good music again."

Drunken Fishin'

A man who caught a 4-foot shark with his bare hands off an Australian beach said on Friday he only tried the feat because he was drunk on vodka. This guy is something else. Last time I got drunk on vodka, I crapped my pants.

Year of the Pig

Sunday marks the start of the Chinese New Year and it's the Year of the Pig. Great, another year of wall-to-wall Britney Spears coverage.

Nude jogger

A man whose habit of jogging in a park wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes said he would keep his clothes on after he was fined $95 for indecent exposure. Plus his balls were killing him.

Giving Birth in Pants

A woman gave birth to a boy outside a western Pennsylvania hospital -- a delivery that happened so quickly that the newborn wound up in his mother's sweatpants. Now the sweatpants really are 'Juicy.'

Deval Patrick's Fancy Wheels

Gov. Deval Patrick, who has asked all state agencies to cut their spending by 5 to 10 percent as the state copes with what he says is a $1 billion deficit, has upgraded his state-provided transportation from a Ford Crown Victoria to a Cadillac DeVille. Defending the apparent hypocrisy, Patrick said, "I am a politician."

Coldplay's New Album

Gwyneth Paltrow says husband Chris Martin's new album is going to be "insane". Which also describes anyone who would actually buy the album.

Mark Curry's Suicide

Comedian Mark Curry, who starred in the 1990s sitcom "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper," says that if it wasn't for some of his comic friends, including Bill Cosby and Sinbad, he probably would have committed suicide last spring after a freak accident landed him in the hospital with second-degree burns. Curry is the first non-60-year old white woman to enjoy Sinbad.

Hiccups for Three Weeks

Jennifer Mee can't stop hiccuping. For more than three weeks now, the 15-year-old St. Petersburg teen has hiccuped close to 50 times a minute -- despite the best efforts of doctors and home remedies. A driving lesson from an Asian woman should scare the hiccups out of her.

Cats Adopting Dogs

Workers at the Meriden Humane Society are marveling at a short-haired mother cat that has adopted a 6-day-old Rottweiler puppy that was rejected by its mother. Most impressive was the cat signing the paperwork without thumbs.

Cross-Dressing Lawyer

A male lawyer who appeared in court dressed in women's clothes as a protest against what he said was New Zealand's overly-masculine judiciary was suspended Wednesday after being found to be in contempt of court. Lesson learned, never hire Boy George to be your lawyer.

Still Hungry

MIT professor James L. Sherley, says he has now lost 20 pounds since his hunger strike began Feb. 5. A couple more weeks and this problem goes away.

Bad Peanut Butter

Lids of jars produced by ConAgra Foods with a product code beginning "2111" can be returned to the company for a refund, the company said. One more digit and they would have been collector's items for progressive rock fans.

Brokeback Kiss

Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger's gay kiss in 'Brokeback Mountain' has been voted the best screen kiss of all time. Coming in a distant 4,537th was the kid and the pole from 'A Christmas Story.'

It's time to Stop and Shop

Negotiators for the Stop & Shop supermarket chain and union locals representing 43,000 workers in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island are meeting this week to try to reach an agreement to replace a contract that expires over the weekend. Union heads hope to have workers clogging the aisles with palettes and cashiers talking on cell phones by the end of day Wednesday.

Swallowing a Diamond

A house painter accused of taking a $7,000 diamond engagement ring from the condo he was working at apparently swallowed the evidence during a break from questioning at the police station -- and it was caught on tape, police said Tuesday. Chuck Berry is hoping the passing of the ring will be caught on tape.

Business in Boston

Trapped by state-imposed constraints on growth, Boston is at a disadvantage in competing for business in the global economy, a new report said. According to the report, other cities have more flexibility in wooing business opportunities, while Boston remains hamstrung by its subordination over the past century to state government. Vote Democrat.

Jane Swift Likes John McCain

Former acting governor Jane Swift, who bowed out of contention for the 2002 governor's race when Mitt Romney launched a campaign, will endorse US Senator John McCain of Arizona today for president. While having lunch, Swift added, "Yuk! These grapes are sour."

Jon Bon Jovi Ban

Jon Bon Jovi reportedly dislikes bandmate Richie Sambora's girlfriend Denise Richards, and wants to ban her from joining the group on tour. Bon Jovi demands to be the best looking woman on the tour.

Britney Spears in a Bikini

Britney Spears paraded round a nightclub wearing nothing but a bikini and a waiter's coat on Sunday night. Unfortunately, this is not 2003.

No Smoking in NH

A New Hampshire Senate committee is recommending the Senate approve a proposal to join the other New England states in banning smoking in restaurants and bars. Live Free or Die, except for that first part.

Middlebury College

Middlebury College history students are no longer allowed to use Wikipedia as a viable source in preparing class papers. Myspace blogs are still not allowed.

Samuel Adams Glass

Boston Beer Co. unveiled a special glass today so customers can savor its Samuel Adams brand beer. It is called a beer bottle.

Charlie Weis

Doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital allowed Charlie Weis, the former offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, to bleed internally for 30 hours after botched gastric bypass surgery in 2002, his lawyer said today during opening arguments of a malpractice trial. The doctors thought it was menstrual.

Mitt Romney

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney today formally announced his candidacy for president. Commence ignorant, anti-Mormon jokes.

Jada and Will

Will Smith's wife doesn't care if he lusts after other women. It will take two box-office flops before she starts to care.

Lookin' Tan

Sheboygan police arrested a woman after she allegedly left her two children in a freezing car for 20 minutes while she went tanning. Leaving her kids in the car was only the second-dumbest thing she did in that last sentence.

No School

Two teenage girls posted a fake announcement on their school district's Web site that said school was closed for the day due to winter weather, police said. Shocking that it took this long.

Kissing in the Phillipines

More than 6,000 couples kissed simultaneously at midnight Saturday in the Philippines with organizers of the event claiming to have set a new world record. At least two did not involve under-aged girls.

Kissing in the Phillipines

More than 6,000 couples kissed simultaneously at midnight Saturday in the Philippines with organizers of the event claiming to have set a new world record. At least two did not involve under-aged girls.

Diabetic Gene

Scientists announced yesterday the discovery of important genetic clues to diabetes, opening a new chapter in the study of the fast-growing disease. If your DNA is programmed to make you eat like a pig, your chances for diabetes increase.

Hunger Strike

MIT stem-cell scientist James L. Sherley says he has lost 14 pounds as he enters the second week of a hunger strike to protest the university's decision not to offer him tenure. I am on year 16 of drinking because that one girl would not go out with me.

Naomi Watts is Pregnant

Naomi Watts is reportedly pregnant. It is unclear who the father is, but the ultrasound showed a baby ape.

Unhappy Olsens

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were seen looking glum and bored at New York Fashion Week. The Olsen twins had the backstage W Suite closed off to the public so they could party in private - only to sit around looking miserable. Mostly because they were starving and full of Vicadin.

White Tigers

Three white tiger cubs just weeks old debuted Thursday at the Buenos Aires Zoo in Argentina, romping in pen before delighted children and their parents. It will be a few years before the tigers are strong enough to attack and nearly kill their trainers.

Swallowing a Ring

Tina Burlett thought someone had broken into her house and stolen her custom-made, $5,000 wedding ring, so she called the police, who filed a report. But Burlett's grandmother already had a suspect in mind: the family pooch. The grandmother got suspicious the dog had eaten the ring when the dog gained 50 pounds and became a nagging pain in the butt.

Grateful for Idol

While some "American Idol" contestants might fear Simon Cowell's biting criticism, Bucky Covington says he's grateful for it. Who?

Kaiser Chiefs vs. Arctic Monkeys

Kaiser Chiefs lead singer Ricky Wilson has hit out at the Arctic Monkeys for complaining about fame. This is huge news for both bloggers at Pitchfork.

Ban Gets Hitched

Bam Margera, the 27-year-old professional skateboarder, prankster and MTV star, who became a punk hero on the shows "Jackass" and "Viva La Bam," married childhood friend Missy Rothstein, 26, on Saturday. Lighting half his money on fire is considered his most damaging stunt.

Florida Tornadoes

All 20 victims of the tornadoes that tore through central Florida last week lived in mobile homes. The keeps the ratio at 100%.

Free Ozzfest

The annual Ozzfest hard rock tour, originally a showcase for veteran metal star Ozzy Osbourne, will be free for all this year. The catch being that Disturbed, Avenged Sevenfold, and System of a Down will again be on the mainstage.

Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore is fed up of starring in romantic comedies. The 'Music and Lyrics' star wants a role in an "adult and dramatic" film because she thinks she plays too many happy characters. Unfortunately her complete lack of talent will prohibit this.

Faking a Heart Attack

An 80-year-old Hampden woman who was watching the Super Bowl alone faked a heart attack to scare off a man who had broken into her home and was pushing her toward the bedroom, police said. Looks like we found the one guy who did not watch the Super Bowl.

Death in a Cemetery

Police are investigating the shooting death of a man in his 20s after his body was found this morning inside Mt. Hope Cemetery in Mattapan. They keep hanging around the cemetery, they are going to find all kinds of dead bodies.

Banning iPods

New Yorkers who blithely cross the street listening to an iPod or talking on a cell phone could soon face a $100 fine. Blithely crossing the street headphone- and cell phone-less is still encouraged.

Streisand likes Democrats

Barbra Streisand likes what she sees in the Democratic race for the presidency, so much so that she's giving money to three candidates. She is looking forward to saying dumb things about all three.

Jessica Simpson Unhappy

In an interview in the March issue of Elle magazine, Jessica Simpson says she was stung when ex-husband Nick Lachey jumped back into dating after their high-profile breakup. She wishes he could have done the smart thing and banged other people while he was married, like she did.

Videotaping the Police

One of the men criminally charged after placing blinking cartoon advertisements around the city videotaped a police bomb squad removing one of the electronic devices, but did not tell the officers the object was harmless. All part of his plan to make all fans of 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' look like idiots.

Pedicure Thief

Police say a man accused of failing to pay for pedicures and other spa treatments led officers on a brief foot chase before he was arrested. He gave up when his feet got blister-y.

Paul Pierce is Kinda Sick

Celtics captain Paul Pierce returned to Boston early this morning when he reported some swelling in his left elbow and was diagnosed with a low grade fever. He was further diagnosed with being 'good' and 'hurting the Celtics' chances of getting a top 2 pick.'

Farrah Fawcett is Healthy

Farrah Fawcett got an unbeatable gift for her 60th birthday: a clean bill of health that she is cancer-free. She was then shot by Ryan O'Neal.

Aqua Teen Payoff

Turner Broadcasting and a New York marketing firm agreed on Monday to pay $2 million in compensation for a "guerrilla" advertising campaign that sparked fears of terrorism in the Boston area last week. Operation: Adult Swim Extortion has been deemed a success by Boston mayor Thomas Menino.

Deer in the House

A Cambridge family was minding its business at home when a deer bounded through a parlor window, hurdling a sofa and scrambling through the home before being wrestled into a bathroom and locked in. The deer is now a limousine liberal.

Wing Bowl

Professional competitive eater Joey Chestnut devoured a record 182 chicken wings to win his second consecutive Wing Bowl. He then spent 182 minutes on the toilet.

Tuition on eBay

Oklahoma Wesleyan University on Saturday kicked off an eBay auction of a year of tuition, room and board at the private college. The bidding had reached $4,425 by 11 p.m. The institution has a feedback rating of -10.

Casino Baby

A woman playing the penny slots Saturday morning left the Resorts Atlantic City casino with her own little jackpot -- a new baby boy. The bundle of joy came out of the womb smoking a Marlboro and sipping cheap vodka.

Drowning a Baby

A teenager charged with murder in the death of her newborn last month told police she gave birth on the toilet, then held the baby underwater to make sure it wasn't alive, according to court documents unsealed this week. The dead baby is now Catholic.

Beatiung Up a Pit Bull

A 65-year-old retired truck driver who was attacked by a vicious pit bulldog during a neighborhood walk choked the dog to death as he defended himself. Two Dobermans pointed and laughed.

Taser Cameras

Now in Jefferson Parish: Tasercams. Any time a sheriff's deputy turns off a stun gun's safety, a tiny camera will roll. The video will both help defend deputies against lawsuits accusing them of excessive force and reduce any chance of such abuse by deputies, Sheriff Harry Lee said Wednesday. God bless YouTube.

Starbucks vs. McDonald's

Coffee snobs get their comeuppance in the March issue of Consumer Reports magazine.
Published reports say the nonprofit organization's taste testers ruled the coffee served by McDonald's beat out the pricey brew served up at Starbucks. But the joke is on Consumer Reports. People do not buy Starbucks for the flavor, they buy it for image.

MTV and YouTube

Viacom said it sent a notice to YouTube on Friday morning, asking the popular video-sharing site to remove clips from Viacom-owned properties including MTV Networks and BET. This is great news because whenever MTV is involved, the quality goes in the gutter.

Miss USA

In her first television interview since leaving rehab, Miss USA, Tara Conner sat with "Today's" Matt Lauer and admitted to abusing alcohol and cocaine, as well as other drugs, and suggested that an abusive childhood may have contributed to her woes. 15, 14, 13...

Senator Al Franken

Comedian Al Franken has decided to run for US Senate in Minnesota in 2008, a senior Democratic official from Minnesota said Wednesday. It should be as successful as Air America.

Razor McMuffin

A woman claims she found a razor blade in her McDonald's breakfast sandwich early Wednesday, and authorities interviewed people involved. McDonald's apologized for the sandwich.

Big Baby

He is called "Super Tonio," and at a whopping birth weight of 14.5 pounds, the little fellow is causing a sensation in Cancun. For $20, you can have a donkey ride you to the bottom of the mother's vagina.

Mary Cheney Baby

The decision to become pregnant and raise a child with her female partner was not political, Mary Cheney, a daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney, told a Barnard College audience. She told the thousands of people in attendance that she is looking for privacy.