Baldwin Gives Soldier Scholarship

Actor Alec Baldwin was so moved by the story of an 18-year-old Army soldier who is scheduled to serve in Iraq, he's going to help pay for her college education after she leaves the military. He then muttered under his breath that he hopes she's in charge of 'finding mines' in Baghdad because 30 Rock may get cancelled.

Courtney Love is Slim

Courtney Love has lost an incredible 45 pounds in just four months. Cocaine is yummy.

Stalking Michelle Branch

A Maryland man accused of stalking Michelle Branch was arrested at her concert in Sheboygan this week after she spotted him in the crowd. Maybe he would not obsessed with her if she would stop staring at him from the stage.

Crazy Cheney

A man was taken to Bridgeport Hospital for a psychiatric evaluation after he led authorities on a high-speed chase and then claimed to be Vice President Dick Cheney, police said. Just to be safe, it might be a good idea to give Dick Cheney an evaluation as well.

(Wo)man

A statutory rape case against a 42-year-old charged as a man took on a different look after a jail shower revealed the defendant is actually a woman. She was then given a slap on the wrist and told to go home, because she was a teacher and rape is legal if you are a female teacher.

Crapping Out a Diamond

After four suspects in a jewelry store robbery were arrested, police surmised one of the men may have swallowed a missing two-carat diamond ring worth $30,000. The theory proved correct, police said, when the ring was found Wednesday in the toilet inside Dandre Turk's jail cell. Plus his ass was covered in blood.

Gin and Tonic

A scofflaw who came to be known as the gin and tonic bandit went to the same restaurant each Wednesday, ordered two drinks and a rib-eye steak, then skipped out on his $25.96 bill. It is not known what kind of drink he ordered.

Versace's Anorexia

Donatella Versace has revealed her daughter Allegra is "being consumed" by anorexia. At least something is being consumed.

Richard Gere Auction

Richard Gere is offering fans the chance to have a private lunch with him in an online auction to benefit the Robert F. Kennedy Memorial, a human rights organization. Both dollars should help the organization tremendously.

Doggy Heimlich

Toby, a 2-year-old golden retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and began jumping up and down on the woman's chest. The dog's owner believes the dog was trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life. The owner is doubly happy that she did not sit on a tack.

Tumbleweeds

Montana residents are used to digging themselves out after heavy snowstorms, but residents of one neighborhood had to put a snowplow to different use: clearing mounds of tumbleweed from their driveways. Apparently Margaret Cho has a show in Montana this week.

Back Bay Stinks

The Boston Fire Department determined that the strong smell of gasoline that closed a street and several commuter rail tracks at Back Bay Station today was emanating from a nearby construction site. It is called Roxbury.

Airline Fight

The New York-Nantucket air route will see a head-to-head battle between Delta Air Lines Inc. and JetBlue Airways Corp. this summer. Not involved in the competition? JFK Jr. Airlines.

Britney Spears is Rich

According to leaked documents, Britney Spears is worth an estimated $100 million. That number will be cut in half when she finishes going through the cocaine stashed in her guest house.

Dina Lohan

Dina Lohan says her daughter Lindsay isn't an alcoholic and that people are wrong to assume that she's a club-hopping "party mom." She prefers the term, 'complete failure as a mother.'

I Didn't Know

Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani, indicted for his role in the attack on the American embassy in Tanzania, says he unknowingly delivered the explosives used in the bombing, according to a Pentagon transcript of his hearing at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. This is called the 'Barry Bonds' defense.

Coyotes

City officials have purchased 1,000 hand-held boat horns to help residents scare off coyotes. Code compliance manager Dirk Voss said this week he bought the horns early last month after residents complained that coyotes were killing their pets. Next step is hiring Ted Nugent.

Message in a Bottle

Twenty-two years ago, Mahlon Webb Jr. wrote a note, put it in a bottle and tossed it into the ocean at a North Carolina Beach. Five years ago, he got a call from a woman on Grand Cayman Island saying she'd found the bottle. Amazingly, his phone number never changed in 17 years. Time to move out of your parents' basement.

Britney Out of Rehab

Britney Spears checked out of rehab "after successfully completing the program," her manager said. And I was finally able to get a full night's sleep.

Downloading in Maine

A recording industry trade group is warning the University of Maine System that it is cracking down on students illegally downloading music files on the Internet. Maine finally gets the internet and already the NARCs are on their back.

Banging the Dead

A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The man claimed to have just watched 'Tommy Boy' and expected the deer to come back to life.

Museum Attack

A man dressed in a World War II military uniform attacked two employees at the Evergreen Aviation Museum this week, police said. In all fairness, the employees were Korean, and that's close enough.

Shooting Daddy

Minneapolis police are trying to find out how a 2-year-old boy allegedly ended up with a gun and shot his father. The man told police that his 2-year-old son had taken the gun from his mother's purse and fired it at him. Okay, case solved.

John Edwards and Cancer

John Edwards said today that his wife Elizabeth has suffered a recurrence of cancer that first struck her in 2004, but that they are very "optimistic" about her diagnosis. Not so optimistic about winning the election.

Jolie's Visa

Angelina Jolie will apply for adopted son Pax Thien's visa today. His limit will be $10,000.

Mmmm... Kids

Michael Jackson has demanded a children's xylophone and sweets during his stay at a British hotel. Chris Hansen is already on his way.

Kosher Boobs

Hooters, the restaurant chain known for its tasty wings and scantily clad servers, is heading to Israel. In-country fighting is expected to go down 100%.

Blind and Deaf

Larry Woody, a blind mechanic in Cottage Grove, Oregon recently hired a deaf assistant. Oddly, neither is very good at pinball.

Not in Front of the Daughter

A mother and her boyfriend were sentenced to three years probation on Monday for having intercourse in front of the woman's 9-year-old daughter to teach the girl about sex. The girl will now have to learn about sex like every other 9-year-old, from the internet and Chris Hansen.

Michaela Gagne

Inside Miss Massachusetts Michaela Gagne's chest is a pocket watch-size device called an implantable cardioverter defibrillator, hard-wired to her heart muscle. Outside, two beautiful breasts.

Gwen Stefani's Writer's Block

Gwen Stefani fled a recording session with producer Timbaland in tears because she had writers' block. Here's hoping she never returns.

Hiccuping Again

A 15-year-old girl who hiccuped her way through part of January and all of February is hiccuping once again. Doesn't she realize lightning never strikes twice. Stop trying to get back on the 'Today' show.

Drunk Driving

Bernalillo County sheriff's deputies have arrested a man on suspicion of driving while intoxicated, marking his 28th such offense. Three more and he breaks the high score.

Suing a School

A motorcyclist is suing the Tacoma School District, saying an off-the-mark football being tossed around at a high school car wash caused him to crash. The motorcyclist is suing the football coach.

Stealing Animals

Thieves stole a baby crocodile and more than 50 snakes and lizards from an Australian wildlife park, officials said. The thieves fled the scene screaming, "Steve Irwin's death will be avenged!"

Jennifer Hudson

Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Hudson was given an all-you-can-eat-free-for-life card by former employer Burger King after some comments she made about her old job. Unfortunately, it can be retroactive to 2001 or else the fast food chain will go out of business.

Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney is on the verge of signing a huge record deal with Starbucks, because Heather Mills took all of this star's bucks.

Fired

Velma Evans says she was fired after she repeatedly complained about a male employee who allegedly wore a penis pendant necklace and used a sausage to flash her in a sexual manner. She also vowed to never again work at Crazy Dick's.

Unicorn

A man told police not to blame him for crashing his truck into a light post -- it was that unicorn behind the wheel. The man kept talking and talking for what seemed like a neverending story.

Pay to Play

A former court security officer has been convicted of offering to pay a couple behind on a fine $20 an hour to have sex while he watched. I made $.43 that day.

Sting Stinged

Sting says reforming The Police will be "painful." Try being in the audience.

Ski Mask

Bank robbers, terrorists and prowlers have given ski masks a bad name for years, but a Connecticut man is wearing them around town to prove that not everyone who dons one is plotting mayhem. But they do crave attention. Lots of it.

Diamonds in the Rough

A $25,000 diamond was found stuck in a shower drain at the prison housing the man accused of stealing it two years ago. Coincidentally, a fellow prisoner has a severe cut on his penis.

Ants

Buddhist monks, who are bound by faith to nonviolence, are grappling with how to rid a temple of a severe ant infestation without killing the insects. But if they were to happen to 'leave' the temple for a few hours and a bunch of dudes wearing heavy duty boots 'happen' to visit...

Bitin' a Cop

A man who police say tried to eat a bank robbery note and then bit a police officer is facing felony charges. Leland Snyder, 24, of Muskegon, loves bacon.

Calling the Cops

A woman looking for a cocaine dealer called a number on her son's cell phone only to discover later that she had phoned a police officer, authorities said. Most odd, why does her son have a cop's number programmed into his phone?

Tornado Watchin'

President Bush offered condolences to victims of violent storms and tornadoes that roared through several Southern states and said he would visit stricken areas on Saturday "with a heavy heart." And, oddly, a huge boner.

Stealing Undies

A Barnstead (New Hampshire) man has pleaded guilty to stealing three pairs of panties as a Valentine's Day gift for his wife. The problem was that the panties were being worn at the time of the theft.

Green Plates

Ohio already tags repeat drunken drivers' cars with bright yellow license plates. Now it wants to make convicted sexual predators use fluorescent green ones. Ohio chose green because they match Chris Hansen's eyes.

That Ain't a Knife

Secret Service agents have questioned an Alameda man about a display in his front yard featuring a cardboard cutout of President Bush with a knife through his head. Nothing political, they were just knife aficianados.

Looksy

A central New York man was sentenced Thursday for installing hidden cameras in his tenants' apartments so he could spy on them while they had sex. Must be a Chuck Berry fan.

Helen Mirren

Dame Helen Mirren didn't have underwear on at the Oscars. I don't have any lunch left.

Jim Carrey's Teeth

Jim Carrey is so terrified of the dentist his girlfriend Jenny McCarthy had to hold his hand. Weird how these little tidbits come out around the same time his movie opens.

Parasites

Children up through age 25 would be covered under their parents' health insurance plans if New Hampshire lawmakers approve a bill that would replace the seven-month-old Michelle's Law. The new law would be called the "Living in Your Parents' Basement" Law.

Gas and Water

Jeffrey Crane got something unexpected when he stopped to gas up his pickup truck -- a tank full of water. Lesson learned: Don't go to Hess.

No More Hiccups

She sipped pickle juice, held her breath, breathed into a bag, even went to a neurologist, but for more than five weeks nothing would stop a 15-year-old girl's rapid hiccups -- until they finally just stopped on their own. Hiccups all through February? Sounds like a tribute to Black History Month.

Weather

A big winter storm hit the Plains and Midwest with heavy wet snow and swirling winds that created whiteout conditions Thursday morning. This will make the national news if the storm hits New York.