Sexy Vegetarians

Carrie Underwood and Kevin Eubanks have been named the "world's sexiest vegetarians" in PETA's annual contest. Just missing the cut was Michael Moore, when it was discovered that guzzling gallons of bacon fat disqualified him.

Aniston's New Love

Jennifer Aniston has told her new man he is better in bed than her ex-husband Brad Pitt. This, according to her new boyfriend who was the only person in the room at the time and it wasn't recorded or caught on film but totally happened.

DeNiro, Pacino... Cent?

50 Cent is set to star alongside Hollywood legends Al Pacino and Robert De Niro in a new film. The movie is planned for a late-2008 release. Also planned for late 2008, my suicide.

Drunken Thief

A 46-year-old man accused of robbing a Dollar General store at knifepoint Saturday was arrested about 15 minutes later at a bar less than a mile away. It was dollar draft night.

Prison Porno

Convicted sex offenders in Sweden are free to read pornography in their cells following a court ruling that has angered the prison service. No pictures though, just read.

Two Chicks Eating

Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller have been having competitions to see who can eat the most. Miller won when she forced down a second M & M.

David Hyde Pierce Won't Forget

David Hyde Pierce is helping start a campaign against Alzheimer's disease, which he saw two family members suffer from. Take that all you pro-Alzheimer's people!

Dogs DNA

Animal control officers in one southern Australian city are being trained and equipped to gather DNA clues at the scene of every dog attack on a human or pet, officials said Sunday. Sunday night Michael Vick announced he is never going to Australia.

New England Revolution Sales

Six home games into the season, the New England Revolutions's ticket sales are up 28 percent from last year's average, bring the average attendance up to 28.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is an Idiot

Catherine Zeta-Jones said in an interview with InStyle magazine: "I'm more insecure than I ever let anyone know." InStyle Magazine has just under 1.7 million readers.

High BAC

A Pierce County woman apparently tied a record for the amount of alcohol in her blood when the Washington State Patrol toxicology lab measured a blood-alcohol content of 0.50 two hours after she was arrested for investigation of drunken driving. Kids, pack up the car and a case of Jameson, daddy's going to Washington and he's coming back famous.

Armwrestling a Cheater

A Russian armwrestler was disqualified for cheating at a European competition after attempting to move to a lower weight class by sending a lookalike to the weigh-in, officials said Thursday. Authorities felt the move was over the top.

Pig's Blood Everywhere

A valve on a truck hauling animal waste from a Klamath Falls processing plant broke, spilling 4,000 pounds of pig blood. Sissy Spacek immediately started having flashbacks.

4Real for Real?

New Zealand authorities have blocked a couple's bid to officially name their new son "4real," saying numerals are not allowed. The parents decided to use their backup name, 'Myparentsareassholes.'

Marijuana Blaze

Firefighters who spent half an hour fighting a blaze in which 2,000 pounds of marijuana went up in smoke breathed so much of it that they would have failed a drug test, a fire chief said. Many firefighters claimed, "there was tons of coke and whiskey, too."

No Divorce for Catherine Zeta-Jones

Catherine Zeta Jones has vowed never to get divorced. Unless her new movie bombs, then it is 'Hello Tabloids!'.

Lindsay Lohan Finds God

Lindsay Lohan has found God, her father says. He was hiding under a pile of cocaine.

Jessia Biel on Tour

Jessica Biel has joined Justin Timberlake on his European tour again. They are not dating, she just has awful taste in music.

Scarlett Johansson is wide.

Scarlett Johansson used to worry her face was too wide. Fortunately for her, no one sees her face.

Oh No Mrs. Grace

Grace Uwanawich, also known as "Mrs. Grace," was sentenced this week in Maryland after admitting that she defrauded clients by convincing them to hand over tens of thousands of dollars so that she could crush destructive curses. A.k.a. she pleaded guilty to being a fortune teller.

World Cup Air

A Chinese company that once tried to sell land on the Moon has lost an appeal against a court ruling that stopped it from selling bags of "World Cup air," state media reported Wednesday. Dutch Oven air is still a go.

No Annulment for Kennedy

Sheila Rauch, the ex-wife of the former congressman, Joseph Kennedy II, told Time magazine that the Catholic Church reversed the couple’s annulment. Apparently, the check bounced.

James Gandolfini Confused

James Gandolfini told the Daily News in Friday's edition that he had "no idea" what to think was to happen to his character, the emotionally tortured mob boss and suburban dad Tony Soprano, after the HBO hit series' final episode closed Sunday with an abrupt cut to a blank screen. He added, "I'm just a dumb actor who got lucky. What makes you think I'd have any insight?"

Swallowing Marijuana

Police arrested a man for marijuana possession, but not before officers had to save him from choking after he apparently tried to hide the drugs by swallowing them. The next day he crapped out a Phish album.

Cream of Wheat Grave

A man widely believed to be the model for the smiling chef on Cream of Wheat boxes finally has a grave marker bearing his name. The tombstone reads, 'Here Lies the Punchline for Many a Racist Joke.'

Kelly Clarkson Cancels Tour

Kelly Clarkson's summer concert tour has been canceled due to disappointing ticket sales, three days after Clarkson fired her management team and just a week and a half before the scheduled June 26 release of the singer's third album, "My December." Next stop, shaving her head and entering rehab.

Oprah is Loaded

Oprah Winfrey is the top money-maker on this year's annual "Celebrity 100 Power List." She plans to buy another island while lecturing others to be more philanthropic.

John Travolta's Family

John Travolta says his family are "like the Addams Family". Irrelevant.

Dan Aykroyd Wine

The Dan Aykroyd Winery, which will showcase souvenirs from the actor's career, will be located near the town of Lincoln, Ontario, in the heart of the province's vineyards. Any wine made after 1990 will be horrible.

NASA Mission Goes as Planned

A headline you will never see.

No Girlfriend for You

A judge has ruled that a 24-year-old Canadian man is not allowed to have a girlfriend for the next three years. He plans on mastering 'Halo 2' in his spare time.

Mellencamp and the Boston Pops

John Mellencamp will celebrate Independence Day with the Boston Pops. The plan is to play 'This is Our Country' every 2 minutes.

Crying Judge

A judge had to leave the courtroom with tears running down his face Tuesday after recalling the lost pair of trousers that led to his $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner. He was quoted as 'having his panties in a bunch.'

50 MPH Wheelchair

A truck driver whose rig snagged a man in his wheelchair and unknowingly pushed him at speeds up to 50 mph for miles will not face any criminal charges, authorities said. He was also offered a job at Six Flags.

Old People Fighting

Testimony began Tuesday against a 76-year-old man accused of beating his 81-year-old neighbor with a hammer after she refused to give him gambling money. Another case of colostomy bag on colostomy bag crime.

Stay-at-Home Dads

Men may receive higher salaries in the workplace, but the annual value of services provided by a stay-at-home dad is $128,755 - or nearly $10,000 less than those provided by a stay-at-home mom. Salary.com cites a stay-at-home father's inablity to have a prostitution ring on the side as the main reason for the discrepancy.

Paris Hilton Released

Three days after Paris Hilton checked into jail, sheriff's deputies called a news conference Thursday morning as a Web site reported that Hilton had somehow been released early. Our long national nightmare is over. This is also the first time that 'release' and 'Paris Hilton' were in the same sentence on an internet site that did not include a video link.

Gisele Bundchen Pro-Condom

Gisele Bundchen is the biggest international star on the runway during Rio's Fashion Week, but she's also making headlines for criticizing the Roman Catholic church's opposition to condom use and abortion. An odd stance since boyfriend Tom Brady is not a big fan of condoms.

Former President Bill Clinton told 1,700 Harvard University seniors Wednesday that he had a suspicion why he was invited to their Class Day celebration. Though he definitely knows why he spoke. The six-figure pay day.

Night in Jail

A man who called police when clerks refused to refund his money when he decided to not stay at their motel ended up with free accommodations anyway -- at the county jail. But they did not leave the light on for him.

Angelina Jolie's Legacy

Angelina Jolie wants to be remembered for her humanitarian work, not as an actress. I'll take c) the bat-sh*t, crazy broad who used to wear Billy Bob Thornton's vial of blood around her neck.

Energy Drink

A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. Thousands of hack female comics have lined up to deliver their clever "Don't call the hospital, call me!" line.

Kissy Feet

A former Catholic school principal convicted of kissing the feet of three male students to settle a bet on a volleyball game was sentenced Tuesday to two years' probation. He was hoping for prison.

Dry Cleaning Lawsuit

A judge who was seeking $67 million from a dry cleaners that lost his pants has loosened the belt on his lawsuit. Now, he's asking for only $54 million, according to a May 30 court filing in D.C. Superior Court. His new motto is '20% less a**hole.'

Hot Dog Eating Contest

A California man smashed the world record for hot dog eating at a contest Saturday, gobbling up more than 59 franks in 12 minutes. Sunday, he smashed the bowel movement record.

Wild Turkey

Wild turkeys have been showing up on the streets of a Detroit suburb, pecking at windows and eating from bird feeders. Big deal, wild turkey has been kicking the crap out of my liver for years.

Buried Treasure

It wasn't buried treasure, but a boy working in his grandmother's garden pulled from the ground a wooden box that contained a Chrysler emblem, a tealight candle and newspapers from 1952, among other items. The full story can be found in the newspaper article titled, 'Slowest News Day Ever.'

Killing in Iraq

On a video released today, Al Qaeda-linked insurgents said they killed three American soldiers after capturing them in Iraq. A.k.a it is Monday.

Paula Abdul Finds Purpose

Grammy Award-winning singer Paula Abdul says she didn't figure out her purpose in life until she became a judge on Fox network's "American Idol." She now knows her purpose in life is to take copious amounts of vicadin and slur her way through a natioanally televised program.

Police Distract Guards

Sears corporate officials have apologized to two police officers who were told to leave the retailer's store at a Des Moines mall because their uniforms distracted the store's security guards. Oddly, the half dozen strippers wearing clear heels and glitter thongs that disracted the guards were not asked to leave.

Cocaine in Rome

A report from Italy's National Research Council released Thursday found that there are traces of cocaine and cannabis in the air of Rome. Linday Lohan immediately moved to Rome.

Hiding Christmas Lights

A woman was sent to jail for six months after failing to repay $56,134 to investors who were told they'd get rich with an invention that keeps outdoor Christmas lights hidden. After investing in something that hides Christmas lights, the investors dropped the rest of their money in submarines with screen doors.

Easing Up on Hinckley

A federal judge on Friday gave John W. Hinckley's doctors more flexibility to help the would-be presidential assassin rejoin society. In other words, Hinckley finally got to see 'Inside Man.'