A naked Catherine Zeta-Jones

Catherine Zeta-Jones wants to appear naked in a film. Unfortunatley, it is not 1997.

Star Jones' Belly

While she skirted questions about her dramatic weight loss for years, talk show personality Star Jones has now admitted to having gastric bypass surgery. She added that water is wet.

Text Messaging

Kevin Taylor, 30, of Minneapolis, lost out on a $1,000 first prize in a text messaging contest at the North Dakota State Fair because he forgot the punctuation mark at the end of a phrase that he and his sudden-death competitor had to enter. Now he is a double-loser.

Bringing a Gun on a Plane

John C. Megelich was arrested today after authorities said he tried to bring a loaded 38-caliber handgun onto a plane in his carry-on luggage. He was then signed by the New York Knicks.

J.K. Rowling Depressed

J.K. Rowling sank into a deep depression after completing the final 'Harry Potter' book. Mainly because the money-printing press is grinding to a halt.

Jason Priestley and Pee

Jason Priestley says his new baby daughter Ava is just like a rabbit - because she has urinated on him. Which also makes her like a freaky hooker.

Dead in Wisconsin

Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday. I'm moving to Wisconsin!

Cat Predicts Death

Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. Either that, or the cat is drawn to sounds of flatlining.

Trapped Under Ice

Large chunks of ice, one of them reportedly about 50 pounds, fell from the sky in this northeast Iowa city, smashing through a woman's roof and tearing through nearby trees. The chunks were 300 pounds, but global warming partially melted them on the way down.

Daniel Radcliffe Likes Music

'Harry Potter' star Daniel Radcliffe plans to spend his £20 million fortune on CDs and DVDs. What an idiot. Who pays for music?

Esai Morales No Me Gusta Herpes

Esai Morales has rejected allegations by an ex-girlfriend who sued the "NYPD Blue" star, claiming he assaulted her and gave her herpes. What we do know is that Esai Morales' ex-girlfriend has herpes.

Charlie Weis Loses Court Case

Charlie Weis, the former Patriots offensive coordinator lost his case against two doctors he claimed botched his care after he had gastric bypass surgery five years ago. The most damning evidence against Weis was his huge belly.

Sex Offenders on MySpace

MySpace.com has found more than 29,000 registered sex offenders with profiles on the popular social networking website, North Carolina officials said today. In second place was chrishanseniswatchingyou.com.

Lindsay Lohan Arrested

Lindsay Lohan, who just finished a second stint in rehab for substance abuse treatment, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and possession of cocaine early Tuesday, authorities said. Barrel. Fish. Pull trigger.

Ja Rule and Lil Wayne Arrested.

Rappers Ja Rule and Lil Wayne have been arrested and charged with criminal possession of a weapon in separate incidents, police said. To get a head start on tomorrow's entertainment stories, newspapers have been sent the following template: "Rapper(s) _____________ was (were) arrested and charged with _________."

Lary David Divorce

Laurie David cites "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for ending her 14-year marriage to 'Seinfeld' co-creator Larry David. "Irreconciliable differences" is Latin for 'banging another dude.'

Drunken Driving

A man trying to stop a friend from driving drunk after a block party was run over by the woman's car and killed, police said. Lesson learned, just let the drunks drive.

Hacking an iPhone

A team of computer security consultants say they have found a flaw in Apple's popular new iPhone that allows them to take control of the device. It is called the 'power' button.

Pimping in Prison

With the aid of a former prostitute, Devin Benders, 24, was convicted of inducing a minor into prostitution and was sentenced to the maximum prison term possible. Rap music is way off. Pimping is bad.

Oasis for Sale

Noel Gallagher's ex-wife is selling his belongings on the internet. No one is buying them, but they are being sold.

Ian McKellen Nervous

Ian McKellen says playing the title character in William Shakespeare's "King Lear" is more nerve-racking than his recent Hollywood film roles. Mainly because his daughters are trying to kill him.

Trashing a Hummer

A man's Hummer, a sport utility vehicle, was parked for five days on the street before two masked men smashed the windows, slashed the tires and scratched into the body: "FOR THE ENVIRON." The slashed tires will now sit in a landfill for 11 years.

Cape Cod Shooting

A 19-year-old was shot and killed on Cape Cod overnight while sitting in his home in Barnstable, police said. A disturbing case of rich, white on rich, white crime.

Hootie Hurt

Hootie & the Blowfish are again delaying the start of their summer tour as lead singer Darius Rucker recovers from a staph infection in his left knee. Rucker originally hurt the knee when attempting to build a time machine to bring him back to 1995.

Dave Chappelle is Tired

Dave Chappelle was hospitalized over the weekend for exhaustion, his publicist said Tuesday. Chappelle was tired from taking enough pills to kill a horse.

Crazy Woman

A woman convicted of hiring her lover to kill her husband is submissive and easily manipulated and has a disorder that could lead her to act against her own best judgment, a psychologist testified. Plus she's bat sh*t crazy.

Bored in Kentucky

A volunteer firefighter in south-central Kentucky was arrested after allegedly making false 911 calls because he was bored, police said. He was let off when he pleaded 'living in Kentucky.'

Kids and Animals

Authorities removed a miniature horse and seven dogs from a home strewn with feces and rotting produce and charged the owners with endangering their 12-year-old child, officials said Tuesday. But the horse-y was pretty.

No Spice for You

David Beckham has banned the Spice Girls from staying at his Beverly Hills mansion. After seeing recent reunion photos, Beckham did not want to foot the food bills.

Star Jones Weight Loss

Star Jones Reynolds says she will address speculation about her dramatic weight loss in a story for Glamour magazine. She felt the language in 'Gastric Bypass' and 'Stomach Stapling' magazine was too technical.

Coke Piano

When a grand piano played an off-key note, drug police in a Caribbean port opened it up and found some 560 pounds of cocaine stuffed inside. The piano was sent back to Elton John's house.

Calling 911

A 38-year-old man was arrested after he called 911 and told a dispatcher he was surrounded by police officers and needed help, authorities said. The dispatcher knew the man was not in real danger whe she figured out he was not a black man surrounded by white cops.

IHOP to Applebees

Ihop Corp., the largest US pancake-house chain, agreed to buy Applebee's International Inc. for $1.9 billion. They hope to now serve drunks all three meals.

Elton John's Washing Machine

Sir Elton John couldn't use a washing machine until he was 43. He always used club soda to clean out the DNA stains.

Gloria Trevi Suing

Mexican pop diva Gloria Trevi has filed a lawsuit for libel against a promoter who allegedly said she was an accomplice in her daughter's death, Trevi's lawyer said Wednesday. She also plans to sue the promoter for not promoting her enough for people to know who she is.

Drunken Harry Potter

Don't get your hopes up, gossip hounds. Daniel Radcliffe, who turns 18 later this month, isn't planning any trips to rehab or jail. Mainly because you don't plan a blackout.

Al-Qaeda back?

U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said on Thursday the threat to the United States from al Qaeda has not returned to levels seen just before the September 11 attacks nearly six years ago. He compared it to post-coitis.

Lindsay Lohan Likes Water

Lindsay Lohan wants to endorse bottled water now she is sober. Her favorite brand is 'Grey Goose' because it makes her insides 'all tinglely.'

Britney Spears' New Single

Britney Spears' new single will be called 'Get Back'. Paul McCartney just hung himself.

More Al-Qaeda Attacks?

Al Qaeda's second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahri, on Tuesday threatened more attacks on Britain, two weeks after failed bombings in London and Glasgow. al-Zawahri also hopes to break the streak of 356th straight 'second-in-command' to be killed before Osama bin Laden is caught.

Getting Out of Jury Duty

A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges. The man is now the front-runner in the 2008 Presidential election.

Cindy Sheehan Needs Attention

Cindy Sheehan officially announced that she intends to run as an independent against Pelosi in 2008 if the San Francisco congresswoman doesn't move to impeach Bush by July 23, the day she expects to reach Washington. Her experience consists of having a nervous breakdown for three straight years.

Clay Aiken Brawl

Singer Clay Aiken apparently got into a dispute with a woman during a flight to Tulsa, drawing some scrutiny from FBI agents but no charges, a newspaper reported. Cat Fight!

Punishing a Twelve-Year Old

Writing "I love Alex" on a school gymnasium wall brought a 12-year-old the same punishment as if she had made terrorist threats. Free healthcare, according to Michael Moore.

Hanging out in Roswell

At least 35,000 people have descended on Roswell this weekend for the 2007 Amazing Roswell UFO Festival to commemorate a purported flying saucer crash on a nearby ranch in July 1947. It is the only festival known to have more ass-probing than Burning Man.

A cat that spent nearly three weeks crossing the Pacific inside a shipping container with no food or water appears to be just fine. The cat passed the time by reading 'Life of Pi'.

Mindfreak Divorce

The estranged wife of "Mindfreak" star Criss Angel says the magic has gone from their marriage and she now wants to make him vanish from her life. Setting the record most cliches in a news lead.

Cuban Citizen

A 105-year-old Cuban-born man who had at least one pending wish finally had it fulfilled -- he became a U.S. citizen. That is one slow raft.

Taking Apart the iPhone

Within hours of the first iPhones going on sale Friday, enthusiasts scrambled to be first to discover what makes the devices tick, posting photos of disassembled phones online. These enthusiasts are also called pedophiles.