New E Street Tour

Bruce Springsteen is reuniting with the E Street Band for their first tour in almost five years. It has been dubbed the 'Clarence Clemons is Still Alive' tour.

Britney Spears' New Single

Britney Spears' new single could debut next week. It could be off the radio in two weeks.

Killer Cell Phone

A 21-year-old Hartford man was sentenced to 48 years in prison Wednesday for killing a convicted drug dealer during an argument over a cell phone. Apparently Connecticut is unfamiliar with Social Darwinism.

No More Tag

An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will. The kids will have to bang their teachers instead.

Paul and Renee Sitting in a Tree

Sir Paul McCartney and Renée Zellweger have been spotted getting cosy at a New York concert. Best thing about Zelweger according to McCartney, "Two legs."

Roberto Benigni: O.G.

Shots rang out Tuesday night as a man shot a security guard who stopped him from getting in without a ticket at Roberto Benigni's show. Another case of lame on lame crime.

Owen Wilson's Suicide

Police confirmed that officers were called to Owen Wilson's home because of an attempted suicide report. Police can not confirm he just finished watching 'You, Me, and Dupree.'

Chicago Mobster

Prosecutors say Joey "The Clown" Lombardo was a "made guy," a lifelong member of Chicago's mob. Defense attorneys say he was just a "rent-a-gangster" who turned his back on crime long ago. Me thinks this lead "needs more quotes."

Hand on a Bike

Teenager Jack Baker had only planned to visit his girlfriend for 10 minutes. So he parked his motorcycle outside her home and left his prosthetic hand gripped to its handlebar. When he came back outside two hours later, the hand was apparently taken by a thief. But it was still better than giving an arm and a leg for a quickee.

Ron Artest Hearts Michael Vick

NBA star Ron Artest was glad to see troubled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick express remorse for his involvement in a dogfighting operation and would like to reach out to him. Vick added, "Hey Ron, you're not helping."

Pam Anderson's Casino

Pamela Anderson is reportedly set to open her own casino. Apparently, they are reopening 'Dunes.'

Tom Brady's Baby

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady became a father Wednesday when his former girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles. They named the child 'Oops.'

Klansman Going to Jail

James Ford Seale, an aging, reputed Ku Klux Klansman is facing life in prison for his role in the abduction and killing of two black teenagers more than 43 years ago. He is also the front runner to be elected U.S. Senator from West Virginia.

Not a Happy Turkey

The Turkish government condemned the ADL's decision to call the massacre of Armenians by Ottoman Turks a genocide. Great, looks like we are bombing another country.

No More Amy Winheouse

British singer Amy Winehouse has put her North American tour on hold. 14:58... 14:59... 15:00. Good-bye.

Bette Midler: Lumberjack

Bette Midler cut down more than 230 trees around one of her properties on the island of Kauai without a permit, and the state has recommended she be fined. Not for the trees, but for 'Wind Beneath My Wings.'

Kids are Fat

More than 1 million U.S. youngsters have undiagnosed high blood pressure, leaving them at risk for developing organ damage down the road, a study suggests. To help with diagnosis, Play Station 4 will come with a sphygmomanometer.

Kicking a Kid

A police officer has been charged with battery for kicking a teenager during a videotaped arrest at the city's Black Expo Summer Celebration, prosecutors said. Others want him nominated for 'Father of the Year.'

Gather Gallaghers

Noel and Liam Gallagher have been asked to join in a world record breaking attempt - to unite every Gallagher in the world. I think I know who's bringing the watermelon.

Seven Osmonds Reunite

The Osmond Brothers, joined by siblings Donny, Marie and Jimmy, took the stage this week to tape a 50th anniversary reunion show to be aired on PBS next year. Unfortunately, with all seven Osmonds on stage, there is no one left to watch the show.

Oedipus, Except Different

A woman was sentenced to 30 days in jail for claiming in court that she was her son's wife. Christopher Crowe, 25, was in court recently to plead guilty to four felony counts including residential entry and domestic battery. The other two counts were related to stealing a plot point from 'Tommy Boy.'

Jose Offerman Flips

Former Red Sox infielder Jose Offerman was arrested Tuesday night after charging the mound and hitting the pitcher and catcher with his bat during an independent minor league game. It was time in 6 years that Offerman had two hits in one game.

No Place For Hate

Under pressure from its Armenian residents, the Town Council in Watertown, MA voted last night to rescind its participation in the No Place for Hate program. It will now participate in the new 'F**k the World' program.

Britney Spears and MTV

Britney Spears is rumoured to be opening the MTV Video Music Awards. She will then pull the DVD out of the box and place it in the player.

Swimming in Sewage: I Love It!

Two workers at Boston's Deer Island sewage treatment plant were drenched in about 100 gallons of sewage when a pocket of pressure pushed sludge into an area where they were doing routine maintenance. They have been transferred to Newark.

Pulling Your Wife Over

An off-duty Elko County sheriff's deputy was arrested on charges of driving under the influence of alcohol after her husband, a fellow deputy, pulled her over. He had to pull her over because he was the county's only other cop.

Amy Winehouse Overdose

Amy Winehouse, who had been on a three-day binge before she was hospitalised last week, admits she was "out of control" and needs to get help. Mainly because her fifteen minutes are just about up.

Matt Damon: So Smart

Matt Damon believes "bad choices" have ruined Ben Affleck's film career. I believe Matt Damon is a rocket scientist.

Chris Noth is Back

Chris Noth will reprise his role as Carrie's love interest in the 'Sex and the City' movie. I can't believe he was available.

Stop Singing Coldplay

A woman attacked a karaoke singer belting out Coldplay on Thursday night, telling him he "sucked" before she pushed and punched him to get him to stop singing, bar staff said. Turns out the man was Chris Martin.

Limo Robbery

A woman who traveled in a limousine to a botched bank robbery attempt probably won't get such swank transportation to her next destination: prison. Unless she's famous.

Not What R.E.M. Had in Mind When They Wrote 'Nightswimming'

A man who decided to go for a late night swim in the buff was found hours later by rescue crews, hiding under a pier not far from where he jumped in the water, authorities said Sunday. The man was hiding because he was embarrassed by his shrinkage.

Mena Suvari Shaved

Mena Suvari has shaved her head. I still don't care about her.

Painful Testicles

When conventional medical professionals refused to remove a 62-year-old local man's testicles, police said he turned to mysterious "professionals" to relieve what he called chronic pain. They're called hookers.

Bloody Schooly

A public school principal accused of paying a woman to sprinkle chicken blood on the high school in an attempt to cleanse it of negative energy will be fired, the Department of Education said Tuesday. He did land a starring role in 'Carrie 2'.

Smuggling a Monkey

A man smuggled a monkey onto an airplane Tuesday, stashing the furry fist-size primate under his hat until passengers spotted it perched on his ponytail, an airline official said. Proving he had no sense of humor, the man's hat was not yellow.

South Carolina Primary

South Carolina will hold its Republican presidential primary earlier, setting the stage for New Hampshire and Iowa to follow suit. Not to be outdone, West Virginia has set September 30, 2007 as it primary for the 2012 election.

Pitt Paltrow Back Together

Angelina Jolie is reportedly furious with Brad Pitt for agreeing to star in a new movie with his former fiancée Gwyneth Paltrow. Jolie does not fear a reconciliation. She just knows Paltrow has not made a good movie since the 90's.

Travolta Needs Shade

John Travolta has his own personal parasol carrier to shield him from the sun. Mostly because he's an a**hole.

Iraq Needs Hope Plus

One day after making his first, brief visit to Iraq, Rep. Tom Allen said Tuesday the U.S. military and its in-country allies are doing their best but that the situation demands more than just hope. See Allen in his new movie, 'Captain Obvious.'

Pencil in the Head

After being plagued for 55 years with the torment of a pencil lodged in her head, a German woman has finally had it removed. When reached for comment, Homer Simpson added, "Copycat!"

Brett Ratner Fooled

Brett Ratner's said his first oral sex experience was with a man he thought was a woman. Not the first man Jackie Chan has tricked.

Eddie Murphy and Baby

Mel B has called on Eddie Murphy to play an active role in their daughter's life. He will play an ass.

17 Kids

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed their 17th child, and seventh daughter, into the world Thursday. On Friday, Michelle's vagina fell off.

Wrist Bands for Cops

Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday. Proving once again that cheating is cute.

Pitt Jolie Fight

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie allegedly got into a heated political debate about their preferred Democrat presidential candidates - Brad supports Barack Obama, while Angelina is backing his rival John Edwards. Both do agree that picking a candidate that will not win is the way to go.

Seven-Legged Lamb

A lamb born with seven legs will have to be euthanized, local media reported Thursday. But not before a beastiality fetishist has his way with it.

Boozing on Amtrak

Amtrak is offering $100 in free alcohol to customers who purchase tickets for some overnight trains. Unfortunately, one needs to actually ride the train to get the booze.

Another Shooting in Roxbury

Two are dead and another person was injured after gunfire erupted around 2 a.m. near Dudley Square in Roxbury, MA. It is not clear what sparked the shooting, police said, though most believe it was for quota reasons.

Prince's Oxygen Bar

Prince has reportedly demanded an oxygen bar run by three sexy women for his series of London shows. His driver must hold his breath inside the bar.

Daddy Federline

With his marriage to Britney Spears officially over, Kevin Federline is focused on giving their two young sons a secure upbringing outside the media glare so they can "pretend they're like everyone else," his lawyer said. Good thing he has nothing else going on.

Britney Spears Threatens Photographers

Britney Spears threw a baby bottle and threatened two photographers after they took pictures of her leaving a Las Vegas spa, the photographers said in a statement Tuesday. All are glad she did not throw a baby.

Debbie Harry's Face

Debbie Harry has confessed to injecting herself with sheep embryos to preserve her youthful looks. It didn't work.