Amy Winehouse Needs Publicity

Amy Winehouse will be kidnapped and "harmed" unless she pays a £100,000 ransom, it has been reported. Dear Santa: I know I am a little late, but as a belated Christmas gift, please give me the gift of this being true and she calls their bluff.

Gervais, Ricky Gervais

Ricky Gervais wants to be the next James Bond. He backtracked when he heard the James Bond films were not supposed to be funny.

Rudy Giuliani is Healthy

One week after a severe headache forced Rudy Giuliani to spend a night in the hospital, his doctor declared the Republican presidential candidate to be "in very good health." The doctor added, "He is in perfect shape to lose an election."

No More Nin the Cat

Nin the Cat, the regal ex-stray who patrolled the top of the Mount Washington Observatory, was carried off the mountain Wednesday for the last time and will live with some park rangers in the valley below due to old age and a recent infection claiming the last of his teeth. He is expected to be replaced with a cheaper, Mexican cat.

Arresting Santa

A man in a Santa hat was arrested Sunday night for investigation of drunken driving after he was spotted outside Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood wearing a wig, a red lace camisole and a purple G-string, police said. Is it weird that I have a boner?

Pete Doherty: Marathon Man

Pete Doherty is set to run the London Marathon next year. He is expected to shatter the record time after doing an eight-ball.

Ron Paul Fundraising

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, an anti-war libertarian who has clashed with his rivals over Iraq, raised a record $4.5 million in a one-day Internet fund-raising event on Sunday, his campaign said in a statement. In a related story, people have too much money.

Lieberman Likes McCain

Republican John McCain won the endorsement of independent Sen. Joe Lieberman on Monday as he tries to mount a comeback in his presidential bid. "If anybody knows what it is like to lose, it is me," said Lieberman.

Jodie Foster is Gay?

Jodie Foster has publicly confirmed she is a lesbian. Poor John Hinckley.

Led Zeppeline is Back...

... with a new lead singer, Dr. Who.

J-Lo Dos

Jennifer Lopez has fueled rumors she is expecting twins by purchasing matching pink and blue outfits embroidered with the words "prince" and "princess." In all fairness, Macr Anthony is very short.

Jessica Alba Breeds

Jessica Alba, the 26-year-old "Fantastic Four" actress is reportedly expecting her first child with boyfriend Cash Warren in late spring next year. Goodbye career.

Schilling Wants Johan Santana

Curt Schilling this morning said he is convinced the Red Sox will eventually complete a trade for Johan Santana. He is most excited about the celebratory cake.

Madonna is Vain?

Madonna has sparked facelift rumours after she was spotted leaving a medical centre with two black eyes. Either that, or she burned the pot roast.

Robbing Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron's home in the Hollywood Hills was burglarized. Theron has reported the incident to the police and is still making a list of what was taken. The first thing taken was her career.

Gawking at Jennifer Aniston

All Jevon Jackson wanted was to hang a picture of Jennifer Aniston in his room. But because his room was a cell at a Green Bay prison, the warden wouldn't allow it. The warden added, "Hey dummy, I have seen 'The Shawshank Redemption.'"

'Swift' Boating Romney

In an opinion piece today, Jane Swift tells N.H. voters that Romney's "flip flops" on abortion and other issues make him an easy target for Democrats. She also complained the grapes she was eating were 'sour.'