You Like McCain? Have Some Candy...

A suburban Detroit woman has decided to scare up the vote among neighborhood children by just offering treats to John McCain supporters. The woman was unaware that one must be 18 to vote.

Voting in the Nude

A nudist community on Florida's west coast wants to establish the first clothing-optional polling site. Oddly, none of the voters are libertarians.

Trick or Treat or Drugs

When their children returned from Halloween trick-or-treating, a Ramsey, MN couple found suspected methamphetamine and $85 in cash among their 7-year-old son's Snickers bars and Skittles. Ramsey has nowpassed Salem, MA as the most popular Halloween destination.

Underwear Dancing

An Australian state government minister was forced to quit following reports that he danced in his underwear at a parliamentary office party, the state premier said Thursday. He is now the senior Senator from Massachusetts.

A fluffy little dog named Lexi is being called a hero for helping to rescue an 85-year-old neighbor who collapsed in his Brooklyn apartment. Not so happy was the landlord, who hoped to remove the $450-a-month paying renter, and replace him with a $1900-a-month yuppy.

Cleaning the John

A businessman said he was so frustrated with the condition of a public bathroom in the western Michigan tourist town of Saugatuck that he cleaned it himself, and billed the city $156 for his work. Must have taken him 20 hours.

Sausage Attack

A man suspected of breaking into the home of two California farmworkers, rubbing spices into the face of one man and smacking another with an 8-inch sausage has been set free. Stunningly, none of that sentence was a euphemism.

Slot Machine Thief

An arrest report says 47-year-old Carlos Gutierrez was at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino early Monday and called 911 to say the slot machine stole his money. Gutierrez was very attached to his nickel.

Road Rage Off Road

Police have arrested a Newark area landlord who allegedly rammed his Hummer into a renter's house, claiming the tenants were behind on their rent. And the side of the house is dented.

Daddy is Old

Officials say an indigenous New Zealand reptile regarded as one of the last living remnants of the dinosaurs will become a father for the first time in decades at the age of 111. The reptile is named Anthony Quinn.

Dogs are Yummy

A mountain lion crept through an open door into a house outside Denver, snatched a Labrador retriever from a bedroom where two people were sleeping and left the dog's dead body outside, wildlife managers said Tuesday. And worse, the lion did not wipe its feet on the mat.

Cameron Diaz Breaking

"What Happens in Vegas" actress Cameron Diaz, who was left devastated by the death of her father Emilio last week, will take a year off from making movies. Tough news about the father. The rest is pretty awesome.

Snack Packs Everywhere

A driver is being treated at a Saint Johns County hospital after his truck overturned, spilling Jell-O snack packs all over I-95. Worse, will be the lecture he will get from Bill Cosby.

Huckabee and his Book

Two weeks after the next president is elected, Mike Huckabee will publish a book sharing details on his failed bid for the White House and offering his vision for remodeling the conservative movement. Step one is getting plastic surgry to look like John McCain. Step two is renaming yourself John McCain.

Hillary and Barack

The cover of Time this week morphs together the faces of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. The cities of Cambridge, MA and San Francisco were said to have fainted.

Burning a Church

A 21-year-old Plymouth man was sentenced today in federal court to 13 years in prison and three years of probation for setting fire to a Plymouth church, federal prosecutors said. He has since moved to Norway and now fronts a Black Metal band.

Watts' Boobies

Naomi Watts had to breastfeed her seven-month-old son Alexander to keep him quiet on a 14-hour flight. Ever since, men have cried in her presence.

Mariah Carey on SNL

"Saturday Night Live" has replaced a flu-ridden Janet Jackson with another diva: Mariah Carey. Carey, 37, will fill in for Jackson on the March 15 "SNL" telecast, NBC announced Wednesday. This helps maintain their 'one washed-up singer' quota.

Four to a House

The Boston Zoning Commission set a limit of four yesterday on the number of college students who can live together off campus, a far-reaching decision that could spur a citywide crackdown on crowded student housing. All part of a plan to stop Hispanics from going to college in Boston.

Vice President Reinstated

An eighth-grade honors student who was suspended for a day, barred from attending an honors dinner and stripped of his title as class vice president after he was caught with contraband candy in school will get his student council post back, school officials said. The school district cited the long forgotted 'Marion Barry Law.'

Jolie Pitt Wedding

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are planning to marry in an "intimate" ceremony this summer. It will come after their PR staffs are 'baffled' that every reporter in the country knew exactly which out-of-the-way island to be at on a certain date.

No Janet on SNL

Janet Jackson has dropped out of her upcoming "Saturday Night Live" performance because she has the flu, the singer's representative said Tuesday. NBC executives expect a ratings spike.

Obama's Blackness

Democratic Sen. Barack Obama assailed as "slice and dice" politics Geraldine Ferraro's assertion that he wouldn't be where he is in the presidential race if he weren't black. This coming one day after Obama won the Mississippi Democratic Primary, essentially, because he is black.

Casinos Struggling

Slot machine revenues are off by more than 6 percent at Connecticut's casinos, Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun, in the five months ending Jan. 31, compared to a year ago. Racists.

Swayze Fighting Cancer

Patrick Swayze is being treated for pancreatic cancer but is doing well enough to continue working, his representative said Wednesday. Shocking news, that Swayze is still working.

Running in Heels

Like a herd of antelope, jockeying and shoving for position, 150 young women raced down Amsterdam's most famed fashion street in stiletto heels Thursday, racing for a $15,000 prize. The race ended at a strip joint, where the contestants promptly went back to work.

Hey Lawyer, Get a Job

A former lawyer convicted of stealing from clients has been told by a judge to get a job, even if it means shoveling snow off roofs. The lawyer then moved to Florida.

No More Umbrellas

Rihanna has insisted that all umbrellas be confiscated from fans, in case they injure themselves trying to copy the dance to her song "Umbrella." In a related story, Tool will stop playing 'Aenima' live.

Chuck E. Brawl

A child's birthday party at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant was cut short after a fight broke out between two mothers. The women were told to 'settle it in the ball cage.'

Man in a Dog House

A 19-year-old Pasco man is in jail after a police dog sniffed him out of a dog house. The man was said to have had a "nice smelling ass."

Bush Endorses McCain

President Bush endorsed McCain for president, a nod recognizing McCain as the party's choice. Bush then asked McCain about the borad he knocked up in Vietnam.

Bowie Like Scarlett

David Bowie thinks Scarlett Johansson's voice is "mystical". In addition to his glass eye, Bowie has two glass ears.

Teacher Loses Money

A class of third-grade students got a lesson in civil liberties when an envelope containing $5 disappeared from their teacher's desk. The teacher was upset to lose a week's pay.

Python Eats Dog

A 16-foot python stalked a family dog for days before swallowing the pet whole in front of horrified children in the Australian tropics, animal experts said Wednesday. The 'horrified' children called it "the coolest thing ever."

Farrell Replacing Ledger

Colin Farrell says it is a "painful honour" to replace late actor Heath Ledger in 'The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus'. Not as painful as watching him replace Ledger.

Hep A at Ashton Kutcher's

A host of celebrities have been warned to have a hepatitis A injection after being exposed to the disease at Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party. While there, they are encouraged to get checked for gonorrhea, syphilis, and washed-up-itis.

No Love for Lawrence

Congratulations! You're corrupt. That was the message on three wooden, gold embossed plaques sent from Puerto Rico to the Lawrence, Massachusetts Police Department. Stop the Presses! There are Puerto Ricans in Lawrence?

Travelin' Cat

Meatloaf the cat who took a three-week cross-country ride to Arizona in a storage container is headed home to Florida. Either way, the cat will be living with someone who is old.

Gunfire in the Can

A Cass County Sheriff's deputy who fired his handgun in a courthouse restroom has been suspended for eight days without pay. The deputy said he was only firing a 'courtesy shot.'

Lenny Kravitz is Sick

Lenny Kravitz has been hospitalised with severe bronchitis. Unfortunately, there is a cure.

Free Harvard Articles

Harvard University faculty members have approved a plan to make their scholarly articles available online for free. Now it will cost faculty members nothing to pat each other on the back.

Best Bagger

After working at Macey's, a Utah grocery chain, for more than two years, Erika Jensen has been recognized as the country's best bagger. She is excited to be in the same company as Hillary Clinton, who had been recognized as the country's best carpetbagger.

Man Shoots Self

A Hartford man has been charged with two misdemeanors for allegedly staging his own shooting, which put him in the hospital, to get sympathy from family members. Charles Stuart thought is was brilliant.

Cher in Vegas

Cher, the Oscar, Emmy and Grammy award winner said in a statement that she will begin a three-year, 200-show engagement at Caesars Palace. First, she must finish her run at Madame Tousseau's.

Bush Cheers Up Tornado Victims

President Bush on Friday tried to lift the spirits of people in rural Macon County, which suffered the heaviest death toll from dozens of tornadoes that tore across Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Kentucky and Alabama. He resigned.

Komodo Dragons Breed

Two Komodo dragons have hatched at the Sedgwick County Zoo, apparently without the fertilization of a male. They are believed to be part of a new species called the Kohomo Dragon.

Jack Nicholson and Threesomes

Jack Nicholson confessed recently he has to take Viagra to have threesomes. I, on the other hand, need to take acid.

Kirstie Alley and Scientology

Kirstie Alley told Source Magazine she hated people until she found Scientology. Now people hate Kirstie Alley.

Mitt Romney is a Mormon

A recent Time Magazine poll showed nearly 40% of voters will not vote for Mitt Romney, a mormon, citing polygomy, which was banned 138 years ago. Oddly, not a single person polled cited slavery as a reason not to vote for John McCain.

Fixing One Booby

A woman who said her breast implants were damaged in an on-the-job car accident should be compensated for the replacement of only one implant, state appellate judges ruled Tuesday. It is the first case citing the new 'Nancy Reagan Law.'

Rudy Loves the Red Sox

When Topps baseball cards hit the stores this week, about one in every 70 packs will include a picture of Rudy Giuliani, fist raised in victory, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win. Provided, of course, that Topps can sell 70 packs.

Daniel Craig Eats and Drinks

Daniel Craig told reporters he binged on junk food and booze after shooting the last Bond film. Which coincidentally what I needed to do to get through the movie.

Tom Petty Halftime Show

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' surprisingly subdued Super Bowl halftime show was as uncomplicated in person as it looked on television. There were no wardrobe -- or any other kind -- of malfunctions. It was so subdued that most believe Petty died in '03.

Lily Allen Fullback

A week after reportedly ending their relationship, Lily Allen and ex-boyfriend Ed Simons spent the night together in an attempt to save the romance. Either that, or they both dig break-up sex.

Eminem Selling Slim Fast

Eminem is set to become an ambassador for Slim-Fast. He has been approached by the weight loss food and drink manufacturer, famous for its diet shakes, to try out their products and become one of their "success stories". To all those kids that thought they were so bad-ass for being into Eminem, remeber this: HA HA HA HA HA!

Kate Hudson Praises McConaughey

Kate Hudson insists Matthew McConaughey will make a great parent, despite his partying. "Trust me I know a bad parent when I see one," said Hudson. "I was so horrible that the dude from The Black Crowes divorced me and asked for custody."

John Edwards Disappears

John Edwards, the former North Carolina senator who was John F. Kerry's running mate in 2004, dropped out of the 2008 race and did not endorse either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Edwards added, "I am truly sorry for wasting tens of millions of dollars in taxpayers' money on a campaign that was dead on arrival... ha, I almost said that with a straight face. Time to get light another hundy on fire"

Diane Lane's New Movie

Diane Lane is currently starring in 'Untraceable', only 4 years after starring in 'Unfaithful', and three years before starring in her autobiography, entitled 'Unwatchable.'

Spice Girls in London

The Spice Girls have earned £10 million each from their sell-out London concerts. Unfortunately, they spent £11 million on plastic surgery.

Stealing Jokes from Leno

An editor who published books of jokes by Jay Leno and other comedians without their permission has agreed to pay hundreds of thousands in damages. But look on the bright side, she did not cross the picket line.

Saving 55,000 Pennies

It took Vicki Armstrong almost 19 years to save $550, which isn't much of an accomplishment -- except that she did it one penny at a time. Sorry guys, she's married.

Action Stars Vote Republican

Chuck Norris has Mike Huckabee's back and today, Rocky and Rambo star, Sylvester Stallone, announced he he'll back Republican rival John McCain's. Steven Segal endorses Burger King.

Ringo Leaves Regis

Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" yesterday rather than cut short one of his songs. Regis has all the luck.

No Sexy for Lenny

Lenny Kravitz claims he hasn't had sex for three years. I claim he is a liar.

Jack is Back

'24' star Kiefer Sutherland was released from jail Monday morning after completing his 48-day sentence. Jack Bauer goes to jail and the writers go on strike, coincidence? Save us Jack.

Dick Cheney is Watching You

The vice president today prodded Congress to extend and broaden an expiring law allowing the government to eavesdrop on e-mail and phone calls to and from suspected terrorists. Hey Dick, if you are reading this, I think you're hot.

Katie Holmes is Happy

Woo hoo! My first dildo!

Angry Water Buffalo

An enraged water buffalo went on an hour-long rampage in northern Vietnam, goring four people and destroying food stalls before being shot to death by police, officials said Tuesday. Wow, Fred Flinstone really flipped his lid.

Stealing Underwear

A man is facing a sentence of one-and-a-half months after admitting he stole 93 pounds of women's undergarments. The man stole two pairs of panties and a bra from Oprah's house.

No More Thompson

Republican Fred Thompson has quit the presidential race, according to a statement, the Associated Press is reporting. The Associated Press apologizes for being unsure if Thompson ever entered.

Kerry Backs Obama

John Kerry announced he is backing Barak Obama for President on Thursday. Saturday, Hillary Clinton is expected to be announced as the Democratic nominee.

Win South Carolina

South Carolina is being called the gateway to the Republican nomination because since 1980 no candidate has become the nominee without winning here first. Also, you must be a white male.

Ten More Years of Iraq

U.S. President George W. Bush said on Friday the United States would have a long-term presence in Iraq that could "easily" last a decade. "You know when you have a pint of Ben and Jerry's and you are halfway thru and you know if you finish it you will vomit Chunky Monkey, but you still want to try and finish it," added Bush. "Just like that."

Hanks in a Hot Tub

Tom Hanks told BANG Showbiz: "I've been in hot tubs with naked women before. OK, they were my baby daughter and my wife! But it was great fun." Tom, please, no one wants to picture your wife naked.

Taylor Hicks the Next Radiohead?

Soul singer and "American Idol" winner Taylor Hicks has apparently been dropped by J Records, and will record his next album on his own. Look on the bright side, at least his name is back in the news.

Madonna in Mumbai

Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie recently visited a crowded Mumbai slum, where impoverished residents showered the singer with rose and marigold petals. Most of the crowd were media members who 'just happened to be there.'

Hero Dog

A black Labrador that bit a 13-year-old boy's foot repeatedly, waking him up, is being credited with saving the boy and two of his friends from a house fire. That is why I sleap in hamburger slippers.

Stuck in Bed

A 10-year-old Mexican boy dreaded returning to school after Christmas break so much that he glued his hand to his bed. Glue. Yes. That's what I called it too.

Tom Lantos Retiring

Representative Tom Lantos, Democrat of California, a Holocaust survivor who became the highly regarded chairman of the House Foreign Affairs Committee, announced yesterday that he has cancer and will not run for reelection in November. Hey Lantos, nobody likes a quitter.

Jon Bon Jovi = Tom Cruise

Jon Bon Jovi claims he is the Tom Cruise of the music industry. Washed up and irrelevant.

First Baby

A central Pennsylvania couple have a new tradition for ringing in the new year: spending it in the maternity ward. For the second year in a row, Kyle and Becky Armstrong welcomed the first baby of the year at Gettysburg Hospital. Call me crazy, but me thinks the Armstrongs are gonna bang like crazy the week of April 1.

No Fat Dudes

A 265-pound man says a restaurant overcharged him for his trips to the buffet, then banned him and a relative because of how much they consumed during their visits. That, and the toilets were clogged for weeks.