Eminem Selling Slim Fast

Eminem is set to become an ambassador for Slim-Fast. He has been approached by the weight loss food and drink manufacturer, famous for its diet shakes, to try out their products and become one of their "success stories". To all those kids that thought they were so bad-ass for being into Eminem, remeber this: HA HA HA HA HA!

Kate Hudson Praises McConaughey

Kate Hudson insists Matthew McConaughey will make a great parent, despite his partying. "Trust me I know a bad parent when I see one," said Hudson. "I was so horrible that the dude from The Black Crowes divorced me and asked for custody."

John Edwards Disappears

John Edwards, the former North Carolina senator who was John F. Kerry's running mate in 2004, dropped out of the 2008 race and did not endorse either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. Edwards added, "I am truly sorry for wasting tens of millions of dollars in taxpayers' money on a campaign that was dead on arrival... ha, I almost said that with a straight face. Time to get light another hundy on fire"

Diane Lane's New Movie

Diane Lane is currently starring in 'Untraceable', only 4 years after starring in 'Unfaithful', and three years before starring in her autobiography, entitled 'Unwatchable.'

Spice Girls in London

The Spice Girls have earned £10 million each from their sell-out London concerts. Unfortunately, they spent £11 million on plastic surgery.

Stealing Jokes from Leno

An editor who published books of jokes by Jay Leno and other comedians without their permission has agreed to pay hundreds of thousands in damages. But look on the bright side, she did not cross the picket line.

Saving 55,000 Pennies

It took Vicki Armstrong almost 19 years to save $550, which isn't much of an accomplishment -- except that she did it one penny at a time. Sorry guys, she's married.

Action Stars Vote Republican

Chuck Norris has Mike Huckabee's back and today, Rocky and Rambo star, Sylvester Stallone, announced he he'll back Republican rival John McCain's. Steven Segal endorses Burger King.

Ringo Leaves Regis

Ringo Starr walked off the set of "Live With Regis and Kelly" yesterday rather than cut short one of his songs. Regis has all the luck.

No Sexy for Lenny

Lenny Kravitz claims he hasn't had sex for three years. I claim he is a liar.

Jack is Back

'24' star Kiefer Sutherland was released from jail Monday morning after completing his 48-day sentence. Jack Bauer goes to jail and the writers go on strike, coincidence? Save us Jack.

Dick Cheney is Watching You

The vice president today prodded Congress to extend and broaden an expiring law allowing the government to eavesdrop on e-mail and phone calls to and from suspected terrorists. Hey Dick, if you are reading this, I think you're hot.

Katie Holmes is Happy

Woo hoo! My first dildo!

Angry Water Buffalo

An enraged water buffalo went on an hour-long rampage in northern Vietnam, goring four people and destroying food stalls before being shot to death by police, officials said Tuesday. Wow, Fred Flinstone really flipped his lid.

Stealing Underwear

A man is facing a sentence of one-and-a-half months after admitting he stole 93 pounds of women's undergarments. The man stole two pairs of panties and a bra from Oprah's house.

No More Thompson

Republican Fred Thompson has quit the presidential race, according to a statement, the Associated Press is reporting. The Associated Press apologizes for being unsure if Thompson ever entered.

Kerry Backs Obama

John Kerry announced he is backing Barak Obama for President on Thursday. Saturday, Hillary Clinton is expected to be announced as the Democratic nominee.

Win South Carolina

South Carolina is being called the gateway to the Republican nomination because since 1980 no candidate has become the nominee without winning here first. Also, you must be a white male.

Ten More Years of Iraq

U.S. President George W. Bush said on Friday the United States would have a long-term presence in Iraq that could "easily" last a decade. "You know when you have a pint of Ben and Jerry's and you are halfway thru and you know if you finish it you will vomit Chunky Monkey, but you still want to try and finish it," added Bush. "Just like that."

Hanks in a Hot Tub

Tom Hanks told BANG Showbiz: "I've been in hot tubs with naked women before. OK, they were my baby daughter and my wife! But it was great fun." Tom, please, no one wants to picture your wife naked.

Taylor Hicks the Next Radiohead?

Soul singer and "American Idol" winner Taylor Hicks has apparently been dropped by J Records, and will record his next album on his own. Look on the bright side, at least his name is back in the news.

Madonna in Mumbai

Madonna and husband Guy Ritchie recently visited a crowded Mumbai slum, where impoverished residents showered the singer with rose and marigold petals. Most of the crowd were media members who 'just happened to be there.'

Hero Dog

A black Labrador that bit a 13-year-old boy's foot repeatedly, waking him up, is being credited with saving the boy and two of his friends from a house fire. That is why I sleap in hamburger slippers.

Stuck in Bed

A 10-year-old Mexican boy dreaded returning to school after Christmas break so much that he glued his hand to his bed. Glue. Yes. That's what I called it too.

Tom Lantos Retiring

Representative Tom Lantos, Democrat of California, a Holocaust survivor who became the highly regarded chairman of the House Foreign Affairs Committee, announced yesterday that he has cancer and will not run for reelection in November. Hey Lantos, nobody likes a quitter.

Jon Bon Jovi = Tom Cruise

Jon Bon Jovi claims he is the Tom Cruise of the music industry. Washed up and irrelevant.

First Baby

A central Pennsylvania couple have a new tradition for ringing in the new year: spending it in the maternity ward. For the second year in a row, Kyle and Becky Armstrong welcomed the first baby of the year at Gettysburg Hospital. Call me crazy, but me thinks the Armstrongs are gonna bang like crazy the week of April 1.

No Fat Dudes

A 265-pound man says a restaurant overcharged him for his trips to the buffet, then banned him and a relative because of how much they consumed during their visits. That, and the toilets were clogged for weeks.