Bowie Like Scarlett

David Bowie thinks Scarlett Johansson's voice is "mystical". In addition to his glass eye, Bowie has two glass ears.

Teacher Loses Money

A class of third-grade students got a lesson in civil liberties when an envelope containing $5 disappeared from their teacher's desk. The teacher was upset to lose a week's pay.

Python Eats Dog

A 16-foot python stalked a family dog for days before swallowing the pet whole in front of horrified children in the Australian tropics, animal experts said Wednesday. The 'horrified' children called it "the coolest thing ever."

Farrell Replacing Ledger

Colin Farrell says it is a "painful honour" to replace late actor Heath Ledger in 'The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus'. Not as painful as watching him replace Ledger.

Hep A at Ashton Kutcher's

A host of celebrities have been warned to have a hepatitis A injection after being exposed to the disease at Ashton Kutcher's 30th birthday party. While there, they are encouraged to get checked for gonorrhea, syphilis, and washed-up-itis.

No Love for Lawrence

Congratulations! You're corrupt. That was the message on three wooden, gold embossed plaques sent from Puerto Rico to the Lawrence, Massachusetts Police Department. Stop the Presses! There are Puerto Ricans in Lawrence?

Travelin' Cat

Meatloaf the cat who took a three-week cross-country ride to Arizona in a storage container is headed home to Florida. Either way, the cat will be living with someone who is old.

Gunfire in the Can

A Cass County Sheriff's deputy who fired his handgun in a courthouse restroom has been suspended for eight days without pay. The deputy said he was only firing a 'courtesy shot.'

Lenny Kravitz is Sick

Lenny Kravitz has been hospitalised with severe bronchitis. Unfortunately, there is a cure.

Free Harvard Articles

Harvard University faculty members have approved a plan to make their scholarly articles available online for free. Now it will cost faculty members nothing to pat each other on the back.

Best Bagger

After working at Macey's, a Utah grocery chain, for more than two years, Erika Jensen has been recognized as the country's best bagger. She is excited to be in the same company as Hillary Clinton, who had been recognized as the country's best carpetbagger.

Man Shoots Self

A Hartford man has been charged with two misdemeanors for allegedly staging his own shooting, which put him in the hospital, to get sympathy from family members. Charles Stuart thought is was brilliant.

Cher in Vegas

Cher, the Oscar, Emmy and Grammy award winner said in a statement that she will begin a three-year, 200-show engagement at Caesars Palace. First, she must finish her run at Madame Tousseau's.

Bush Cheers Up Tornado Victims

President Bush on Friday tried to lift the spirits of people in rural Macon County, which suffered the heaviest death toll from dozens of tornadoes that tore across Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Kentucky and Alabama. He resigned.

Komodo Dragons Breed

Two Komodo dragons have hatched at the Sedgwick County Zoo, apparently without the fertilization of a male. They are believed to be part of a new species called the Kohomo Dragon.

Jack Nicholson and Threesomes

Jack Nicholson confessed recently he has to take Viagra to have threesomes. I, on the other hand, need to take acid.

Kirstie Alley and Scientology

Kirstie Alley told Source Magazine she hated people until she found Scientology. Now people hate Kirstie Alley.

Mitt Romney is a Mormon

A recent Time Magazine poll showed nearly 40% of voters will not vote for Mitt Romney, a mormon, citing polygomy, which was banned 138 years ago. Oddly, not a single person polled cited slavery as a reason not to vote for John McCain.

Fixing One Booby

A woman who said her breast implants were damaged in an on-the-job car accident should be compensated for the replacement of only one implant, state appellate judges ruled Tuesday. It is the first case citing the new 'Nancy Reagan Law.'

Rudy Loves the Red Sox

When Topps baseball cards hit the stores this week, about one in every 70 packs will include a picture of Rudy Giuliani, fist raised in victory, celebrating with the Red Sox on the field after their World Series win. Provided, of course, that Topps can sell 70 packs.

Daniel Craig Eats and Drinks

Daniel Craig told reporters he binged on junk food and booze after shooting the last Bond film. Which coincidentally what I needed to do to get through the movie.

Tom Petty Halftime Show

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers' surprisingly subdued Super Bowl halftime show was as uncomplicated in person as it looked on television. There were no wardrobe -- or any other kind -- of malfunctions. It was so subdued that most believe Petty died in '03.

Lily Allen Fullback

A week after reportedly ending their relationship, Lily Allen and ex-boyfriend Ed Simons spent the night together in an attempt to save the romance. Either that, or they both dig break-up sex.