Sheen Struggling for Viewers

A woman who identified herself as Charlie Sheen's wife said in a call to police that the actor threatened her with a knife and that she feared for her life. Sheen said he was just trying to get her to watch 'Two and a Half Men.'

Smoking Bear

Authorities say they confiscated a teddy bear at a Southern California toy store that was stuffed with marijuana. The bear, Teddy Ruxpin, gave his confession when the police pulled his string.

You Can Buy Anything on Ebay

Megan Fox bought her boyfriend a car from eBay. She had been searching for 15 more minutes of fame.

Alec Baldwin is a Huge Liar

Alec Baldwin, citing a lack of passion, reportedly said he'd retire from acting once his contract for the hit NBC TV series "30 Rock" expires. Unless people keep paying him.

Obama Math

President Obama will tell the American people tonight that US troops will start leaving Afghanistan "well before" his first term ends, an official said. Unfortunately, Obama thinks one term is 14 years.

Sully Sexin'

Pilot Chesley Sullenberger jokes that his heroic handling of a disabled jetliner brought him "rock star sex" in an interview for "NBC's People of the Year" TV special. And when Sully says 'rock star,' he means Adam Lambert.

Fool in the City

The mother of a 13-year-old boy with Asperger's syndrome who was missing in New York City for 11 days says her son spent the entire time in the subway system. He now plays bass in a Ramones cover band.

Passing Drugs

A western Pennsylvania woman has been ordered to stand trial on charges she passed a drug-filled balloon to a state prison inmate while kissing him. They also found a bag of heroin in the inmate's urethra.

Young Robber

Police say a 17-year-old Warwick boy who skipped school to rob a bank has been arrested after leaving fingerprints on the threatening note he passed to the teller. Not only did the fingerprints give him away, but the note was also signed by his mother.

Picket Fence

Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. At least he now knows he is not a vampire.

Cow in the Pool

A South Carolina woman who heard a giant splash in her backyard discovered a 650-pound cow had fallen into her swimming pool. The 'splash and run' is said to be payback for all late-night tipping episodes from years past.

Halloween Karma

An Ohio man dressed as a Breathalyzer test for Halloween found himself blowing into one after police stopped him for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. A similar incident happened to a man who was dressed up as a penis.

Double-Deck Car

A woman pleaded guilty and will spend five days in jail after letting her daughter ride in a cardboard box on top of their van. She was charged with being the coolest mom ever.

Stinky Ring

An Ohio man was shocked to have his high school ring back after 57 years at the wake for his high school sweetheart. Coincidentally, the ring was found 'inside' the corpse.

Fake W-2

An Illinois man has admitted banking more than $470,000 in paychecks from a New Jersey company he never worked for. Cosmo Kramer is expected to be sent back to New York where he will enter a not guilty plea.

Liza Makes People Cry

Liza Minnelli brought the cast of the new 'Sex and the City' movie to tears when she performed for them. Turns out she ate garlic just before the performance.

Fire in the Sky

An industrial fire is sending thick, black smoke into the air southwest of Detroit. The city has never smelled so good.

Tough Kid

A California toddler is alive after falling 30 feet from an apartment window and landing on concrete and rocks. The fall helped cure Eric Clapton's writer's block.

Quite a Test Drive

A Massachusetts man who allegedly kidnapped a car salesman during a test drive and drove the vehicle more than 1,000 miles was in custody in Wisconsin. He was charged with 'pulling a Kramer.'

That Ain't Hair

A Cleveland museum has learned that what it thought was a lock of hair from Amelia Earhart is just thread. Shocking... who knew Amelia Earhart wore a cheap wig.

Beating a Dead Horse

Michael Jackson's "This Is It" documentary will premiere in 25 cities on Tuesday, Oct. 27. It will close on Oct. 28.

Back to School II Starring Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria Parker says she is enrolling in a master's program to learn about her Mexican roots. Lesson one, talk to the set builders on 'Desperate Housewives.'

Pot Protest

Nearly 75 people gathered in Keene, N.H.'s Central Square at 4:20 p.m. Thursday, to protest drug laws as city councilors grapple with a resolution that would decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. Shockingly, none of the 75 had to be at work at that time

Old Man Citizens Arrest

Authorities say a 91-year-old South Florida man jumped out of bed naked and held an intruder at gunpoint until deputies arrived. Gunpoint is what the man calls his geriatric boner.

Wild Emu

Officers had to use a stun gun and handcuffs to capture an emu running loose on Interstate 20 in central Mississippi on Sunday. In all fairness, the emu was suspected of DUI and child endangerment.

No More Cornrows

Police in Philadelphia say a white officer who came to work with cornrows was ordered by a black superior to get a haircut because the braids violated department standards. The superior cited the obscure 'Bronson Arroyo Law.'

Broadway McKean

Tracy Letts' new play, "Superior Donuts," has found its Broadway leading man -- Michael McKean. He will open each show by yelling, "Hello Milwaukee!"

Vampire Robbery

A robber left his mark on a San Antonio victim by biting her left arm. Authorities will be questioning Robert Pattinson in the morning.

Turtles Be Walking

A runway at John F. Kennedy International Airport was shut down briefly Wednesday morning after at least 78 turtles emerged from a nearby bay and crawled onto the tarmac. Prior to the shutdown, all planes were diverted to the Potomac River.

Another Dead Author

John A. Keel, author of "The Mothman Prophecies," died Friday. Unfortunately, he was alive to see the movie adaptation of his book.

Boy in a Closet

Police in Bennington, Vt., say a man spent almost six years sexually abusing a boy whom he hit, threatened and locked in a bedroom while denying him food and water. The man is known as the 'King of Vermont.'

DUI X II

Police arrested a Woodbine, Md. a 20-year-old woman twice in five hours on charges of driving under the influence of alcohol on Friday. On the plus side, she did not shoot Steve McNair.

Robbery Gone Good?

A Long Island convenience store owner confronted by a bat-wielding would-be robber said Tuesday he decided to show mercy on the man after he collapsed in tears claiming he was only committing the crime to support his starving family. They then broke into a "I Dreamed a Dream.'

Anger Issues

A New Hampshire man has been arrested for the 153rd time, this time after he was accused of punching someone in the face over the weekend. Two more and he becomes an honorary Kennedy.

No More Topless Coffee

An early morning fire destroyed a topless coffee shop in Maine that created a controversy when it opened in February. After seeing some of the women in Maine, it is considered a 'mercy arson.'

Eminem Hates Autoworkers

Eminem says he and Jimmy Kimmel will fly about 200 laid-off autoworkers to Los Angeles for Friday's taping of his appearance on Kimmel's show. The rapper feels the autoworkers have not suffered enough.

Liar Liar

The New Hampshire Senate is considering a House-passed bill that holds people accountable indefinitely for lying about murders. But if you tell the truth, you go unpunished.

Taco Bell Emergency

Officials say a suspected drug dealer who led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot. Probably because he had eaten 15 minutes earlier.

Meeting Menino

Approximately 57 percent of Boston voters have met Mayor Tom Menino. Probably because he is legally required to let all his neighbors he lives in the neighborhood for 'unnamed reasons.'

Dom DeLuise Dead

Actor Dom DeLuise, who starred in such comedy classics "The Cannonball Run" and "Blazing Saddles," died at a Los Angeles hospital Monday night, according to a report on TMZ.com. He will be buried in a sealed-tight, Ziploc bag.

Meg White Wedding

A publicist for The White Stripes says drummer Meg White is engaged to musician Jackson Smith, the son of punk singer Patti Smith and late MC5 guitarist Fred "Sonic" Smith. Next year the couple plans to get divorced, tell people they are siblings, and put out unlistenable albums.

No Kenyan Nookie

Thousands of Kenyan women vowed Wednesday to begin a weeklong sex strike to try to protest their country's bickering leadership, which they say threatens to revive the bloody chaos that convulsed the African country last year. The Kenyan men took a long look at their wives then starting launching grenades.

Smelly Wedding

Two central Illinois volunteers have tied the knot in the place they first met: a homeless shelter. They honeymooned in a dumpster behind the YMCA.

I Can't Control My Wife

A Polk County deputy has turned in his badge after his wife and mother-in-law took his patrol car out for a joyride. He also handed over his balls.

The Irreplacable Paula

Paula Abdul said her contract is up this season on "American Idol," and that no one can ever replace her. Except anyone with a Vicodin addiction.

Kids... I Got Weed

A registered sex offender has been charged with kidnapping and aggravated sexual assault after allegedly providing alcohol and marijuana to two teenage girls and then molesting one of them. He plans to plead no contest, move to France, and direct a re-make of 'The Pianist.'

Josh Hartnett Has an Upset Tummy

Josh Hartnett was at the Chateau Marmont hotel when he began complaining of "excruciating" abdominal pain. The actor had just finished a Josh Hartnett movie marathon.

You Sneeze, You Crash

Authorities said a sneezing fit caused 25-year-old Ramon Stephen Ayala to lose control of his vehicle at 1:00 a.m. Saturday and hit a home. Ayala was sneezing because he is allergic to Jim Beam.

Deadliest Catch

Eighteen-month-old Caliah Clark survived a 30-foot plummet from a window Sunday night thanks to Robert Lemire and Alex Day, who caught her. Unfortunately, she died after Lemire spiked her and broke into the Ickey Shuffle.

Government to Make Car Payments

Ford said Tuesday it will cover payments of up to $700 each month for up to a year on any new Ford, Lincoln or Mercury vehicle if consumers lose their jobs. Most consumers are expected to be employees of Ford.

Kanye 'Mensa' West

Kanye West told Complex Magazine he is the most intelligent rapper in the world. He made the claim after successfully counting to eight.

Not Real. May Be Spectacular.

Huntington Beach Police are seeking a woman they said used a false identity to get breast implants and liposuction, then skipped town. Not to arrest her, but to 'interrogate' her.

Marilyn Manson Mistake

Marilyn Manson calls his ex-wife Dita Von Teese often and has told her he made "a big mistake". It was his last album, 'Eat Me, Drink Me.'

Rihanna on Film

A source told 'Star Magazine' that Rihanna and Chris Brown have reportedly made a sex tape. Technically a snuff film.

Water Makes Her Gassy

A Colorado woman said she lives in constant fear and is terrified her home could blow up because of natural gas that has managed to seep into her water supply. On the plus side, each time she gets a drink of water she sees her puppy that died 31 years ago.

Strip Joint Job Fair

Hoping to take advantage of Rhode Island's floundering economy, owners of the Foxy Lady strip club in Providence plan to hold a job fair on Saturday. Interested applicants are asked to bring their vacant eyes, cocaine habit, and daddy issues.

Richardson Tackles the Tough Issues

Gov. Bill Richardson, who has supported capital punishment, signed legislation to repeal New Mexico's death penalty, calling it the "most difficult decision in my political life." Barely edging the decision to have a Western Omelette instead of a Denver Omelette on December 15, 1987.

Bad CEO

Less than a week after Southwestern Vermont Health Care found out that accounting errors had reduced expected revenue by $5 million, its CEO has resigned. The CFO got a government-funded bonus from AIG.

Robbing the Robbers

Two robbers leaving a Milwaukee jewelry store with cash and gems didn't get far with the loot -- another group of thieves robbed them as the pair left the crime scene. Quentin Tarantino has a boner.

Bite the Principal

A Rhode Island woman is accused of punching and biting her 11-year-old son's school principal after she was told the boy was being suspended. The principal paid her $50 and made an appointment for next week.

Jenna Jameson's Twins (Not a Boob Joke)

Jenna Jameson has given birth to twin boys. She was walking to Starbucks when the two fell out of her over-stretched vagina.

Bob Dylan Stinks

Bob Dylan's neighbours claim a portable toilet on the singer's property is releasing toxic fumes. Better to smell his shi**y toilet than to hear his shi**y music.

Garbage Lunch

A kindergarten teacher in a Bridgeport school has been arrested for allegedly forcing a 5-year-old boy to eat his lunch from a garbage can. Parents thanked teacher for not making the child eat McDonald's.

Which Way to Notre Dame?

A 17-year-old high school senior recently launched http://iwanttogotonotredame.com to help her raise money to pay for an education at the school. She did not want to get in the old fashion way: servicing Charlie Weis.

Crack Dog

Police found 20 grams of crack cocaine inside a bag of dog food in Auburn, Massachusetts. Coolest dog ever.

Brothers in Jail

A 45-year-old man will be joining his twin brother at the state's mental hospital for the beating death of his brother's wife. He killed her for two reasons: 1) he hated her, and 2) he is a huge fan of 'Prison Break.'

Geldof is no Peter Parker

Bob Geldof has eye problems after being bitten by a spider. And ear problems after listening to 'I Don't Like Mondays.'

Funny Faris

Anna Faris wants to do comedy for the rest of her career. Forutnately, that is only three years.

Back to Bristol

Levi Johnston, the former fiance of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol says he hopes they can reconcile at some point. He cited a popular Alaska phrase: "Four words: Make up sex."

Blooming in New Hampshire

The first "corpse flower" to bloom in cultivation in New Hampshire is about to unleash its horrible odor for a second time in the town of Laconia. Fortunately, no one will be able to smell it over the natural odor of Laconia.

Soap?

The Alabama Department of Transportation closed an Intersate Welcome Center until it got test results on a suspicious substance found in a soap dispenser. For the first time ever, it was actually soap.

Call me Rihanna

Rihanna's father is reportedly waiting for her to tell him about the alleged attack by R&B singer Chris Brown. She plans on calling after the swelling goes down and she is able to complete a sentence without losing her balance.

Only a 68 year difference

New Britain, CT police say a 77-year-old man has been arrested on a charge of raping a 9-year-old. T minus 3 days until a lawsuit against Viagra.

Thief Gets Carded

Sheboygan police say they were able to track down a theft suspect because he left behind his library card, which he apparently used to try to unlock a tavern door. You hear that kids? Reading doesn't pay.

Bye Bye Barenaked

Singer-guitarist Steven Page has left the Barenaked Ladies. He echoed Lou Gehrig upon his departure when declared himself, "the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."

Crackdown on Crack

The Cecil County Sheriff's Office said a deputy about to take a bathroom break at a gas station smelled crack cocaine and made a quick arrest. The arrestee said it was a courtesy smoke.

Snatch and Grab and Get Tackled

Florida police said that a 75-year-old victim chased down a 29-year-old man, who had just snatched the victim's brand new laptop computer and printer on Sunday. Lesson learned: never rob a Kenyan.

Biden the Bully

If states misuse stimulus money, the Obama administration may pull the money or embarrass the states, Vice President Joe Biden said today. Just yesterday, Biden gave North Carolina a Wet Willy.

New Hampshire Explosion

Fire officials say an elderly man is dead after an explosion leveled a New Hampshire home. At least he does not have to live in New Hampshire anymore.

Must Update Profile

Sheriff's officers said a 19-year-old man snatched a Starbucks customers laptop after being told he could not use it to check his Facebook account. His status has been changed to 'getting sodomized in a prison shower.'

Fish Pedicure

A trendy pedicure with fish that nibble dead skin from the feet has been banned in Florida. It was called the Led Zeppelin pedicure.

Gran Torino It Ain't

Rosie O'Donnell says she hopes to film again in Detroit on the heels of her new Lifetime movie, "America," which was shot last year in the Motor City. It's just a matter of convincing Detroit to make another unwatchable movie.

Kat is Back

After injuring her knee, Kathleen Turner will return to the stage wearing a leg brace and using a cane in the off-Broadway comedy "The Third Story." Fortunately, no damage was done to her penis.

What Work?

A former Maytag repairman who claimed to do more work than he really did was found guilty in federal court Thursday of 36 counts of wire fraud for submitting fraudulent repair claims. He was then voted Union head.

Found it!

A drug-sniffing patrol dog on its first night on duty found a 477-pound stash of marijuana, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency said Thursday. And that was just at Woody Harrelson's house.

Roseanne is Angry

Comedian Roseanne Barr has unleashed a bitter tirade against Chris Brown - who has been charged with making criminal threats after allegedly beating up his girlfriend Rihanna last week. Taking an anti-woman beating stance, does Roseanne ever stop being controversial?

Gothic Kitties

A Pennsylvania dog groomer has been ordered to stand trial on animal cruelty charges for selling "gothic kittens" with ear, neck and tail piercings. The cruelty charges came into play when authorities discovered the woman made the cats listen to The Cure.

Hide and Seek

An Indian man who's renovating a 120-year-old house has discovered a hidden room in its basement. Inside, he found Webster.

Underwear Bandits

One of two Colorado men who used women's thong underwear to cover their faces while they robbed a convenience store has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. One question, were they used?

Drunk Politician

Japanese Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa resigned amid accusations he was drunk at a Group of Seven press conference, dealing a fresh blow to Prime Minister Taro Aso’s teetering government. Nakagawa is considered a front-runner to take over Ted Kennedy's Senate seat when the Massachusetts senator retires.

BUgle

Boston University is creating an online archive where faculty and staff can post academic research that the public could access for free. It is considered a worthless alternative to Google.

Justin Timberlake is Dreamy

GQ Magazine picked Jusin Timberlake to lead a list of the "10 Most Stylish Men in America." The singer narrowly defeated Joaquin Phoenix who finished 3,289,756th.

Desperation: A New Game for Men

Police at the University of Maine at Farmington are seeking a 19-year-old South Carolina sex offender whom they suspect traveled nearly 1,200 miles by bus to meet a female student he had contacted through an online gaming site. A chick into video games living in Maine... must be a real looker.

Painting a Hydrant

A judge has ruled that a 68-year-old Michigan woman facing possible jail time after painting over a fire hydrant near her home that had been decorated by children is in the clear. It all became moot when a dog decorated it two hours later.

I Hate Qdoba

A Wisconsin Qdoba restaurant worker was accused of trashing the place in an attempt to get fired and collect unemployment compensation. Pete Towshend did the same thing when he worked for Holiday Inn.

Kissy Face

Mexico City puckered up to set a new record Saturday as nearly 40,000 people locked lips in the city center for the world's largest group kiss. The event narrowly defeated Friday night at Tommy Lee's house.

A Pretty Old Dog

Having just turned 10, a Sussex spaniel called Stump became the oldest best in show winner at the Westminster Kennel Club, ending his retirement last week and taking the big prize Tuesday night. Cher is now considered the front-runner for Miss America.

Fighting in Your Sleep

A North Carolina man accused of breaking into a Maine home, attacking the homeowner in his sleep and leaving him for dead says he was simply defending himself. In all fairness, the sleeper had a severe case of jimmy legs.

Zoo Lovin'

A Michigan zoo is hosting an exotic, erotic afternoon on Valentine's Day, when consenting adults will get an unabashed look at how wild animals make babies. Most people call it a typical Saturday at the zoo.

Pulling a Plaxeico

A man who reached into his pocket to pay for lunch at a hospital cafeteria in Lafayette accidentally shot himself with the gun in his pocket. The man was then signed to a three-year contract by the New York Giants.

Pipe Down Officer

The lawyer for a former Bay Area police officer charged with killing an unarmed man says a judge's gag order should be lifted so he can defend his client against a barrage of negative publicity. It marks the first time the words 'Bay Area' and 'gag' were in the same sentence and not appear in 'The Advocate.'

Fightin' Over Levi's

Authorities said a man was behind bars for using a tire iron to attack his brother over a pair of jeans. In all fairness, the jeans belonged to the man's wife and were found in his brother's bedroom.

Whole Lotta Dogs

North Texas authorities seized 22 dogs found crammed inside a station wagon with their owner. Further investigation found that eight of the dogs are octuplets and all were conceived via fertilization.

That's Where I Left It

A western Michigan man says a stranger has returned his class ring about 40 years after he last saw it. The woman also brought the man his 40-year old son, which coincidentally, was removed from the same place as the class ring.

Jessica Simpson Concert Blues

Jessica Simpson forgot her lyrics, mumbled through songs, and fought back tears during a performance Thursday. Attendees called it a typical Ashlee Simpson concert.

Whitman for Governor

Former eBay Inc Chief Executive Meg Whitman, one of the highest profile Republican technology executives in Silicon Valley, has formed a committee to explore running for governor of California in 2010, the first official step of a campaign. The second step will be starring in 'Pumping Iron 2.'

Scarlett Johansson and Nipples

Scarlett Johansson told the Chicago Sun-Times that she is fascinated by men's nipples. Good thing I have three.

Beating Up a Cabbie

Police said a cab driver who tried to take a purse from a woman fare beater was beaten by a group of good Samaritans who thought they were seeing a robbery. Plus he was Arab.

Donations

Applications from would-be donors at a Loveland, CO sperm bank have spiked in recent months, jumping from about 150 applications in a year to 400 since September. Coincidentally, Loveland, CO started getting pay-per-view in September.

Dismantling Cars

Authorities said a 19-year-old carjacking suspect from Detroit who was studying auto repair at a community college may have been using the skills he learned in class to dismantle stolen vehicles. It makes him the most successful community college graduate in recent memory.

Smuggling Pigeons

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East, customs officials said Tuesday. The pigeons were each carrying notes for the man's wife that said, "this thing ain't sucking itself."

Wild Horses

A man has been cited for public intoxication while riding a white horse during a snowstorm in the northern Wyoming town of Cody. He was later charged with animal prostitution, when the white horse fell into mud with another white horse and three black ones jumped out.

Surprise! You're Dead!

A Dayton, NV Iraqi war veteran surprised his six-year old son on his birthday when he hid inside a giant box that was unwrapped by the unsuspecting child. The boy promptly defecated in his pants, had a heart attack and dropped dead.

Dead Skynard

Lynyrd Skynyrd keyboard player Billy Powell, who played on such hits as "Sweet Home Alabama" and survived the 1977 plane crash that killed three band members, died Wednesday. Police found him in his home after neighbors complained of "that smell" from next door and told police they "gotta smell that smell."

I Miss You Brother

Authorities in Michigan say a 24-year-old man broke into a gas station and called 911 on himself, claiming he wanted to go to jail to be with his incarcerated brother. Sounds like someone thought 'Prison Break' was a reality show.

Messy Mistrial

A San Diego judge has declared a mistrial in a kidnapping and assault case after the defendant smeared excrement on his lawyer's face and threw it at jurors. For his new trial, Curious George will defend himself.