Bye Bye Barenaked

Singer-guitarist Steven Page has left the Barenaked Ladies. He echoed Lou Gehrig upon his departure when declared himself, "the luckiest man on the face of the Earth."

Crackdown on Crack

The Cecil County Sheriff's Office said a deputy about to take a bathroom break at a gas station smelled crack cocaine and made a quick arrest. The arrestee said it was a courtesy smoke.

Snatch and Grab and Get Tackled

Florida police said that a 75-year-old victim chased down a 29-year-old man, who had just snatched the victim's brand new laptop computer and printer on Sunday. Lesson learned: never rob a Kenyan.

Biden the Bully

If states misuse stimulus money, the Obama administration may pull the money or embarrass the states, Vice President Joe Biden said today. Just yesterday, Biden gave North Carolina a Wet Willy.

New Hampshire Explosion

Fire officials say an elderly man is dead after an explosion leveled a New Hampshire home. At least he does not have to live in New Hampshire anymore.

Must Update Profile

Sheriff's officers said a 19-year-old man snatched a Starbucks customers laptop after being told he could not use it to check his Facebook account. His status has been changed to 'getting sodomized in a prison shower.'

Fish Pedicure

A trendy pedicure with fish that nibble dead skin from the feet has been banned in Florida. It was called the Led Zeppelin pedicure.

Gran Torino It Ain't

Rosie O'Donnell says she hopes to film again in Detroit on the heels of her new Lifetime movie, "America," which was shot last year in the Motor City. It's just a matter of convincing Detroit to make another unwatchable movie.

Kat is Back

After injuring her knee, Kathleen Turner will return to the stage wearing a leg brace and using a cane in the off-Broadway comedy "The Third Story." Fortunately, no damage was done to her penis.

What Work?

A former Maytag repairman who claimed to do more work than he really did was found guilty in federal court Thursday of 36 counts of wire fraud for submitting fraudulent repair claims. He was then voted Union head.

Found it!

A drug-sniffing patrol dog on its first night on duty found a 477-pound stash of marijuana, the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency said Thursday. And that was just at Woody Harrelson's house.

Roseanne is Angry

Comedian Roseanne Barr has unleashed a bitter tirade against Chris Brown - who has been charged with making criminal threats after allegedly beating up his girlfriend Rihanna last week. Taking an anti-woman beating stance, does Roseanne ever stop being controversial?

Gothic Kitties

A Pennsylvania dog groomer has been ordered to stand trial on animal cruelty charges for selling "gothic kittens" with ear, neck and tail piercings. The cruelty charges came into play when authorities discovered the woman made the cats listen to The Cure.

Hide and Seek

An Indian man who's renovating a 120-year-old house has discovered a hidden room in its basement. Inside, he found Webster.

Underwear Bandits

One of two Colorado men who used women's thong underwear to cover their faces while they robbed a convenience store has been sentenced to 12 years in prison. One question, were they used?

Drunk Politician

Japanese Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa resigned amid accusations he was drunk at a Group of Seven press conference, dealing a fresh blow to Prime Minister Taro Aso’s teetering government. Nakagawa is considered a front-runner to take over Ted Kennedy's Senate seat when the Massachusetts senator retires.

BUgle

Boston University is creating an online archive where faculty and staff can post academic research that the public could access for free. It is considered a worthless alternative to Google.

Justin Timberlake is Dreamy

GQ Magazine picked Jusin Timberlake to lead a list of the "10 Most Stylish Men in America." The singer narrowly defeated Joaquin Phoenix who finished 3,289,756th.

Desperation: A New Game for Men

Police at the University of Maine at Farmington are seeking a 19-year-old South Carolina sex offender whom they suspect traveled nearly 1,200 miles by bus to meet a female student he had contacted through an online gaming site. A chick into video games living in Maine... must be a real looker.

Painting a Hydrant

A judge has ruled that a 68-year-old Michigan woman facing possible jail time after painting over a fire hydrant near her home that had been decorated by children is in the clear. It all became moot when a dog decorated it two hours later.

I Hate Qdoba

A Wisconsin Qdoba restaurant worker was accused of trashing the place in an attempt to get fired and collect unemployment compensation. Pete Towshend did the same thing when he worked for Holiday Inn.

Kissy Face

Mexico City puckered up to set a new record Saturday as nearly 40,000 people locked lips in the city center for the world's largest group kiss. The event narrowly defeated Friday night at Tommy Lee's house.

A Pretty Old Dog

Having just turned 10, a Sussex spaniel called Stump became the oldest best in show winner at the Westminster Kennel Club, ending his retirement last week and taking the big prize Tuesday night. Cher is now considered the front-runner for Miss America.

Fighting in Your Sleep

A North Carolina man accused of breaking into a Maine home, attacking the homeowner in his sleep and leaving him for dead says he was simply defending himself. In all fairness, the sleeper had a severe case of jimmy legs.

Zoo Lovin'

A Michigan zoo is hosting an exotic, erotic afternoon on Valentine's Day, when consenting adults will get an unabashed look at how wild animals make babies. Most people call it a typical Saturday at the zoo.

Pulling a Plaxeico

A man who reached into his pocket to pay for lunch at a hospital cafeteria in Lafayette accidentally shot himself with the gun in his pocket. The man was then signed to a three-year contract by the New York Giants.

Pipe Down Officer

The lawyer for a former Bay Area police officer charged with killing an unarmed man says a judge's gag order should be lifted so he can defend his client against a barrage of negative publicity. It marks the first time the words 'Bay Area' and 'gag' were in the same sentence and not appear in 'The Advocate.'

Fightin' Over Levi's

Authorities said a man was behind bars for using a tire iron to attack his brother over a pair of jeans. In all fairness, the jeans belonged to the man's wife and were found in his brother's bedroom.

Whole Lotta Dogs

North Texas authorities seized 22 dogs found crammed inside a station wagon with their owner. Further investigation found that eight of the dogs are octuplets and all were conceived via fertilization.

That's Where I Left It

A western Michigan man says a stranger has returned his class ring about 40 years after he last saw it. The woman also brought the man his 40-year old son, which coincidentally, was removed from the same place as the class ring.

Jessica Simpson Concert Blues

Jessica Simpson forgot her lyrics, mumbled through songs, and fought back tears during a performance Thursday. Attendees called it a typical Ashlee Simpson concert.

Whitman for Governor

Former eBay Inc Chief Executive Meg Whitman, one of the highest profile Republican technology executives in Silicon Valley, has formed a committee to explore running for governor of California in 2010, the first official step of a campaign. The second step will be starring in 'Pumping Iron 2.'

Scarlett Johansson and Nipples

Scarlett Johansson told the Chicago Sun-Times that she is fascinated by men's nipples. Good thing I have three.

Beating Up a Cabbie

Police said a cab driver who tried to take a purse from a woman fare beater was beaten by a group of good Samaritans who thought they were seeing a robbery. Plus he was Arab.

Donations

Applications from would-be donors at a Loveland, CO sperm bank have spiked in recent months, jumping from about 150 applications in a year to 400 since September. Coincidentally, Loveland, CO started getting pay-per-view in September.

Dismantling Cars

Authorities said a 19-year-old carjacking suspect from Detroit who was studying auto repair at a community college may have been using the skills he learned in class to dismantle stolen vehicles. It makes him the most successful community college graduate in recent memory.

Smuggling Pigeons

An Australian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East, customs officials said Tuesday. The pigeons were each carrying notes for the man's wife that said, "this thing ain't sucking itself."