Josh Hartnett Has an Upset Tummy

Josh Hartnett was at the Chateau Marmont hotel when he began complaining of "excruciating" abdominal pain. The actor had just finished a Josh Hartnett movie marathon.

You Sneeze, You Crash

Authorities said a sneezing fit caused 25-year-old Ramon Stephen Ayala to lose control of his vehicle at 1:00 a.m. Saturday and hit a home. Ayala was sneezing because he is allergic to Jim Beam.

Deadliest Catch

Eighteen-month-old Caliah Clark survived a 30-foot plummet from a window Sunday night thanks to Robert Lemire and Alex Day, who caught her. Unfortunately, she died after Lemire spiked her and broke into the Ickey Shuffle.

Government to Make Car Payments

Ford said Tuesday it will cover payments of up to $700 each month for up to a year on any new Ford, Lincoln or Mercury vehicle if consumers lose their jobs. Most consumers are expected to be employees of Ford.

Kanye 'Mensa' West

Kanye West told Complex Magazine he is the most intelligent rapper in the world. He made the claim after successfully counting to eight.

Not Real. May Be Spectacular.

Huntington Beach Police are seeking a woman they said used a false identity to get breast implants and liposuction, then skipped town. Not to arrest her, but to 'interrogate' her.

Marilyn Manson Mistake

Marilyn Manson calls his ex-wife Dita Von Teese often and has told her he made "a big mistake". It was his last album, 'Eat Me, Drink Me.'

Rihanna on Film

A source told 'Star Magazine' that Rihanna and Chris Brown have reportedly made a sex tape. Technically a snuff film.

Water Makes Her Gassy

A Colorado woman said she lives in constant fear and is terrified her home could blow up because of natural gas that has managed to seep into her water supply. On the plus side, each time she gets a drink of water she sees her puppy that died 31 years ago.

Strip Joint Job Fair

Hoping to take advantage of Rhode Island's floundering economy, owners of the Foxy Lady strip club in Providence plan to hold a job fair on Saturday. Interested applicants are asked to bring their vacant eyes, cocaine habit, and daddy issues.

Richardson Tackles the Tough Issues

Gov. Bill Richardson, who has supported capital punishment, signed legislation to repeal New Mexico's death penalty, calling it the "most difficult decision in my political life." Barely edging the decision to have a Western Omelette instead of a Denver Omelette on December 15, 1987.

Bad CEO

Less than a week after Southwestern Vermont Health Care found out that accounting errors had reduced expected revenue by $5 million, its CEO has resigned. The CFO got a government-funded bonus from AIG.

Robbing the Robbers

Two robbers leaving a Milwaukee jewelry store with cash and gems didn't get far with the loot -- another group of thieves robbed them as the pair left the crime scene. Quentin Tarantino has a boner.

Bite the Principal

A Rhode Island woman is accused of punching and biting her 11-year-old son's school principal after she was told the boy was being suspended. The principal paid her $50 and made an appointment for next week.

Jenna Jameson's Twins (Not a Boob Joke)

Jenna Jameson has given birth to twin boys. She was walking to Starbucks when the two fell out of her over-stretched vagina.

Bob Dylan Stinks

Bob Dylan's neighbours claim a portable toilet on the singer's property is releasing toxic fumes. Better to smell his shi**y toilet than to hear his shi**y music.

Garbage Lunch

A kindergarten teacher in a Bridgeport school has been arrested for allegedly forcing a 5-year-old boy to eat his lunch from a garbage can. Parents thanked teacher for not making the child eat McDonald's.

Which Way to Notre Dame?

A 17-year-old high school senior recently launched http://iwanttogotonotredame.com to help her raise money to pay for an education at the school. She did not want to get in the old fashion way: servicing Charlie Weis.

Crack Dog

Police found 20 grams of crack cocaine inside a bag of dog food in Auburn, Massachusetts. Coolest dog ever.

Brothers in Jail

A 45-year-old man will be joining his twin brother at the state's mental hospital for the beating death of his brother's wife. He killed her for two reasons: 1) he hated her, and 2) he is a huge fan of 'Prison Break.'

Geldof is no Peter Parker

Bob Geldof has eye problems after being bitten by a spider. And ear problems after listening to 'I Don't Like Mondays.'

Funny Faris

Anna Faris wants to do comedy for the rest of her career. Forutnately, that is only three years.

Back to Bristol

Levi Johnston, the former fiance of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol says he hopes they can reconcile at some point. He cited a popular Alaska phrase: "Four words: Make up sex."

Blooming in New Hampshire

The first "corpse flower" to bloom in cultivation in New Hampshire is about to unleash its horrible odor for a second time in the town of Laconia. Fortunately, no one will be able to smell it over the natural odor of Laconia.

Soap?

The Alabama Department of Transportation closed an Intersate Welcome Center until it got test results on a suspicious substance found in a soap dispenser. For the first time ever, it was actually soap.

Call me Rihanna

Rihanna's father is reportedly waiting for her to tell him about the alleged attack by R&B singer Chris Brown. She plans on calling after the swelling goes down and she is able to complete a sentence without losing her balance.

Only a 68 year difference

New Britain, CT police say a 77-year-old man has been arrested on a charge of raping a 9-year-old. T minus 3 days until a lawsuit against Viagra.

Thief Gets Carded

Sheboygan police say they were able to track down a theft suspect because he left behind his library card, which he apparently used to try to unlock a tavern door. You hear that kids? Reading doesn't pay.