Send In the Next Victim

Following the news of yet another actor injury occurring during a preview performance comes word that "Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark" is postponing future performances in an effort to explore new safety measures for the show. Even worse, U2 is still doing the music.

Eyes Up Poindexter

Hey dude on the right: Busted.

Celebrity Rehab

At Prince's sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden, Spike Lee played the tambourine as Alicia Keys, Jamie Foxx, Professor Cornel West, talk-show host Tavis Smiley, and others danced onstage. The singer wanted to prove that black people also are uncoordinated.

Loose Bitch

A dog in Germany has given birth to 17 puppies. Your move, Octomom.

Oprah and Gay-le

Oprah Winfrey told Barbara Walters that 'friend' Gayle King is "the mother I never had." Clearly, Winfrey has no idea how child birth works.

Jane Fonda TV

Jane Fonda said in a recent interview that she is interested in starring in a cable television series. Unfortunately, female-driven shows like 'The Closer' call TNT home, which is owned by here ex-husband Ted Turner. In other words, no.

Justice in the Jar

The Massachusetts Governor's Council voted unanimously today to confirm Supreme Judicial Court Justice Roderick Ireland's nomination as chief justice of the state's highest court, making him the state's first chief black justice. It also marks the first time Ireland and black were uttered in the same sentence and it did not involve a hate crime or Phil Lynott.

Pelosi: Size Queen

"If you want to crawl between this lady's legs... 11 inches minimum."

Stalking Uma

Actress Uma Thurman is staying mum about the convicted stalker who was recently arrested on charges of trying to contact her again. Phone privileges have since been taken away from Quentin Tarantino.

Obama Confused

President Barack Obama says he is "optimistic" that Democrats and Republicans will come to agreements on several issues in the coming weeks. He then admitted that he does not know what "optimistic" means.

Fabulous Military

Sen. John McCain on Thursday snubbed a military study on gays as flawed and said letting gays serve openly would be dangerous in a time of war. McCain fears adding glitter to the soldiers' camouflage outfits would blow their cover.

Qa-Where?

President Barack Obama says FIFA made the "wrong decision" in awarding the 2022 World Cup to Qatar over the United States. Mainly because no one can find Qatar on a map.

Food Fight

Guinness World Records recently confirmed the exclusive Lawrenceville Prep School in central New Jersey set the record for the biggest custard pie fight with 671 students and staff members, where each participant had to have access to at least two edible pies. One hundred miles north in Newark at 671 people could not afford to eat that day.

Gordon Gekko is Liberace

Michael Douglas, who has been battling throat cancer, will play the title part in Steven Soderbergh's "Liberace," which is set to begin shooting in May or June. Liberace battled throat problems himself after he swallowed a bad Frank.

If Jersey is a Rockin', So Too is Massachusetts

An earthquake that originated in New Jersey was felt as far away as Massachusetts. Turns out Snookie just passed out again.

Drebbin Dead

Comic actor Leslie Nielsen passed away in his sleep at the age of 84. His tombstone will not read 'Shirley.'

Look at Me! I Care! Not Really

Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake, Serena Williams, and a gaggle of other celebrities whose total net worth is over $1 billion will be swearing off social media networks until their less well-to-do fans raise $1 million for Alicia Keys' AIDS charity. It was either that or pony up .0001% of their own money.

Crist Going Out on a Limb

Outgoing Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who steps down in January after losing an independent bid for the U.S. Senate, says he is concerned that political divisions are preventing elected officials of both parties from working together on the nation's problems. He entitled the speech, "Obvious Shit."

Blade Going Jail

A federal judge rejected movie star Wesley Snipes's demand for a new trial and ordered the actor to surrender to the US Bureau of Prisons to begin serving a 36-month prison sentence for tax-related crimes. He will soon learn that white men can jump you in the shower.

279/280th Empty or 1/280th Full?

The first former Guantanamo detainee, Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani, to be tried in a civilian court was acquitted of all but one of more than 280 charges of conspiracy and murder in the 1998 terrorist bombings of the US Embassies in Nairobi and Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. Or as reported by Fox News, Ghailani found guilty of conspiracy to destroy government buildings and property.

Double Down Under

Investigators in Colorado say the double shooting of Australian twin sisters was a suicide pact. The findings are in contrast to the original theory that the one sister shot the other and the bullet then boomeranged back to the shooter and killed her.

Learn or Be Learned

A top general says the Pentagon needs more troops trained in African cultures and languages to better confront the increasing terror threat coming out of East Africa and improve relations with the continent. Or those foreigners can just learn American like they should.

Tickle the Ivories

A Georgia piano importer has pleaded guilty to federal charges of illegally smuggling internationally protected elephant ivory into the U.S. The man poached the tusks after receiving an email from Nigeria informing him there were diamonds in the tusks.

Repercussions? Ha!

House Democrats elected Nancy Pelosi to remain as their leader Wednesday despite massive party losses in this month's congressional elections that prompted some lawmakers to call for new leadership.
"The Republicans did a similar thing with Bush in 2004 and that turned out swimmingly," said Pelosi.

Medicaid Fraud? In America? No Way

Federal prosecutors say a North Carolina woman submitted more than $600,000 in false Medicaid claims and used the money to buy a Bentley, a Hummer and spa services. She is now considered a front-runner for a Congressional seat in 2012.

Most Obvious Trap Ever

Rhode Island State Police say 15 people with outstanding warrants were arrested Wednesday after arriving at the Dunkin' Donuts Center in Providence for what they thought was a casting call to be extras for a locally produced movie. In Providence, Dunkin Donuts Center is code for police station.

Indie, Except Just the Opposite

Joel McHale will be hosting this year's Independent Spirit Awards. The guild felt he encompasses that indie spirit in the way he makes fun of talent-less reality show stars on a basic cable show geared towards 14-year old girls.

Bruce Springsteen Forgets He is Bruce Springsteen

Bruce Springsteen covered Willow Smith's 'Whip My Hair' in a skit on Jimmy Fallon's Late Night show. 1977 just hung itself.

When You Gotta Go

Johnson City police said a man urinated on a police cruiser during a traffic stop for drunk driving. Much better than last week when something similar happened to a cop on a horse.

Turkey, Gravy, and Jessica

Jessica Simpson tells People magazine she'll be singing on a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. Macy's got her cheap as part of a '2-for-1' package since she will also be the float.

Stiller's Marriage Advice

Ben Stiller told parade.com that laughter is the best way to a successful relationship. Which is why his wife has never seen any of his movies.

Prasie You

In the 2001 special election that sent US Representative Stephen F. Lynch to Washington, the South Boston politician was accused of being hostile to gay rights. A decade later, the low-key lawmaker is winning praise from gay-marriage advocates in the nation’s capital. Once again proving that flip-flopping is okay, so long as you end up on your stomach.

Sexy Syrup

Maple syrup producers are under fire for tapping maple trees in Central Massachusetts cemeteries. Mostly from people who still use 'tapping' as a metaphor for sex.

No, Not the Bridesmaid's Dress

Delaware state police said someone broke into a car and stole a bridesmaid's dress just hours before a wedding on Friday at a shopping center in Pike Creek. Off the record, police are saying the bridesmaid arranged the 'robbery.'

Drinking in New Hampshire

Apples are getting some competition from cows in the debate over what New Hampshire's state drink should be -- cider or milk. Most residents prefer to drink cyanide.

Fat Dude Sings

Ronan Tynan, wearing Sox gear, sang "God Bless America" in South Boston on Sunday. Tynan did modify the "God Bless America" line when he added, "except Jews."

License to Bury

Corey Haim will be buried in his native Canada. It came down to a coin flip between the United States and Canada, which was won by the United States when they called 'tails.'

On the Road with Conan

Conan O'Brien announced a 30-city tour along with Andy Richter and the former 'Tonight Show' band. Some venues will hold up to 5,000 people which, based on his television ratings, would be his largest audience ever.

Pill Living

Women who took the birth control pill beginning in the late 1960s lived longer than those never on the pill, a new study says. Mainly because they did not have kids sucking away their will to live.

Otter Brunch

State officials in Maine say witnesses who reported seeing a drowning snowmobiler on a lake were probably looking at an otter enjoying a snack. The snack? A drowning snowmobiler.

Making a Statement

Police in Georgia say a 23-year-old man grabbed a baseball bat inside of a Walmart and smashed 29 flat-screen televisions. The was was said to have just watched a 'Best of Super Bowl Commercials' TV show and was inspired by a 1984 Apple ad.

Coolest Priest Ever?

A Roman Catholic priest from northeastern Pennsylvania is facing drug possession charges after police say he was caught buying cocaine in Philadelphia. In fairness to the priest it was not for him, but rather the 12-year old he was going to seduce and molest with promises of video games and drugs.

Conning a Con Artist

Police in northwestern Pennsylvania suspect a scam in which people are asked to donate money to disabled firefighters was nipped in the bud when the con artist called a wrong number: that of the local fire chief. Shockingly the chief, who is in a union, was not at work.

Three Legs is Better Than Four

A three-legged pitbull mix that played in a game of doggie baseball has won "Best in Show" at a talent competition held by one of New York City's largest animal shelters. Next stop: Alice in Chains album cover.

Home Invasion

Police in suburban Philadelphia are trying to figure out how a woman crashed her car into her own house. The answer lies in the lead sentence; she was a woman.

Butter Me Up

A Roman Catholic priest was accused of shoplifting butter and a sofa cover at a Walmart in southern Illinois. Best game of Twister ever.