Warren Buffet is Full of Shit

In a recent op-ed piece, billionaire Warren Buffett said that ultra-rich people like himself should contribute more tax money to the U.S. Government. Not shown: Gun to Buffett's head preventing him from voluntarily writing check made out to U.S. Government.

Now Pitching for the Yankees . . .

Tilda Swinton signs 4-year, $60 million deal with Yankees.

Pay Up Junior

Arnold Schwarzenegger indicated in a court filing that he does not want to pay wife Maria Shriver spousal support or attorney fees as the couple ends their 25-year marriage. In a separate filing, Shriver indicated she did not want Schwarzenegger to fuck the maid.

Trebek in Jeopardy

Alex Trebek fell and snapped his Achilles tendon after chasing a burglar from his hotel room in San Francisco. What is 'sounds like a gay prostitute rolled him and this is a cover-up' for $600, Alex?

A Wal-Mart Brunch

A food booth in Syracuse will unveil the 1500 calorie "Big Kahuna Donut Burger" at this year's New York State Fair. In rural New York, the donut is only for people on a diet.

Not So Sensitive Songwriter

Authorities say that when a Pennsylvania woman complained that her songwriter boyfriend had never written a song about her, he choked her and hit her in the face. The couple then broke into a rendition of 'Proud Mary.'

Smash Browns

Potatoes that spilled from a tractor-trailer after a crash with a freight train are now being used to feed needy families in Delaware. In Delaware, it is 1840's Ireland.

Take the Painting, Leave the Cini-Stix

Taco Bell employees in suburban Cleveland told police that a group tried to make off with a painting valued at $157 that was hanging on a wall in the fast-food joint. The painting was a Jackson Pollack that depicted a toilet bowl after eating a chalupa.

Nice Job Larry

President Obama will engage in one of the country’s most sacred ceremonies on Tuesday when he awards the Medal of Honor to a living soldier, Army Sergeant First Class Leroy Arthur Petry. Obama said he is already looking forward to mispronouncing the Sergeant's name.

Taking a Gun to the T-Tops

A western Arizona man has received a three-month sentence after authorities say he shot his Camaro because it wouldn't start and then refused to come out of his home. He spent the next three hours watching 'Dukes of Hazard' reruns and cursed the world for not being 1986.

Tyler Seguin: Lawbreaker

Tyler Seguin, the 19-year old Boston Bruins rookie, enjoys a couple of beers with the Stanley Cup at Tia's Restaurant in Boston on Thursday. On Friday, the restaurant lost its liquor license.

Frank 'n Weiner

US Representative Barney Frank, himself embroiled in a sex-related scandal more than 20 years ago, said today it would be “not appropriate for me” to say whether his Democratic colleague Anthony Weiner should resign from the House. Frank did add that Weiner had a nice cock.

Methamphetamine Blues

Thai police have found 1.13 million methamphetamine pills hidden in three cars they confiscated and held for more than a year. In order to speed up the process in the future, police will be using the confiscated product.

Barney Frank: Dumb, Honest, or Both?

Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank admitted that he helped get an ex-lover a lucrative job with Fannie Mae. “If it is (a conflict of interest), then much of Washington is involved (in conflicts),” Frank told the Boston Herald.
I made none of that up.

Amy Winehouse Does Not Do as She Says

A representative for Amy Winehouse says the singer has checked into a treatment program in London. In other words, she is a dirty liar.

The Reader is Inside the House

Minutes before a midnight deadline, President Barack Obama signed into law a four-year extension of post-Sept. 11 'Patriot Act.' So, Hello U.S. Government! Hope you like the site.

Joe Biden's Stimulus Package

"Mr. President, Joe Biden may be your number two, but in the sack he's more like eight."

Facebook CEO Steals from Ted Nugent

Facebook 'inventor' Mark Zuckerberg has vowed to "only eat what he kills." His weekend dinner choices include lobster, venison, and the free time of every American under 25 years old.

Two More and It's Game Time

Celtics greats Bill Russell and Ray Allen will speak in front of President Obama in Boston's South End as part of a fundraiser on Wednesday. It marks the first time three black men will congregate in the same room in the South End without being questioned by Boston police.

Huckabee Bashes Obama's 'Manhood'

"I have seen President Obama in the shower and let's just say his charisma is the only thing he has in common with JFK."

What a Long, Strange, Smelly Trip

Two friends who hired a New York City cab driver to drive them across the United States for $5,000 have arrived in Los Angeles. Upon arrival their first statement was, "Recession my ass!"

Old and High

Police say an elderly Pennsylvania couple was the unintended recipient of a very seedy delivery: a five-pound brick of marijuana. They soon became very big fans of the expression, "possession is 9/10 of the law."

A Man That Knows How to Listen

A man helped his wife give birth Thursday night at their Charlestown, MA home as an EMT coached them over the phone, an EMT spokesperson said. Ironically, the couple conceived the same way.

Larry King is Minty Old

Larry King's business portfolio is expanding from bagels to breath mints as the retired talk show host will be the spokesperson for BreathGemz. King fell in love with the product because it covers up the smell of formaldehyde and a rotting corpse.

Duck-fil-a

A duck is nesting in landscaping near a drive-thru menu at a Chick-fil-A in Audubon, NJ. It marks the first time that real fowl has been within 100 yards of a Chick-fil-A.

Having a Famous Mommy Pays Well

Tax documents show unwed mother Bristol Palin earned more than $262,000 for her role in helping raise awareness for teen pregnancy prevention in 2009. Of that money, $262,000 was not spent on condoms.

I'll Look For a Job Later

A Michigan couple is planning a truly long wedding march. Joseph Crist and Laura Brunett are going to walk some 2,500 miles to get to their wedding in Las Vegas this fall. They are able to spend three months walking to their wedding because, like most of Michigan, they are unemployed.

Hey Baseball Drunks, Here's More Booze

An agreement has been reached to sell mixed drinks to fans at Fenway Park. Team officials hope this will allow bleacher fans to be belligerent by the fourth inning instead of the seventh.

Swing Pillows, Drop Pants

People in cities across the globe have taken part in mass pillow fights as part of International Pillow Fight Day on Sunday. The day also spontaneously became International Masturbate While Looking at Women Having Pillow Fights Day.

Break Out the Metal Detector

First, a baby grand piano mysteriously showed up on a Miami sandbar. A day after it was removed, a small table with two chairs, place settings, a bottle of wine and a chef statue appeared on the now-famous strip of sand. Thursday is expected to bring the Statue of Liberty and a gaggle of apes.

Faxing a Threat

An investigation has been launched into an anonymous fax received Wednesday by state Sen. Leland Yee (D-San Francisco) that the lawmaker considers a death threat. Preliminary suspects are the years 1994 and 1996.

Where was Bob Barker?

A valuable pedigreed cat that went missing from its New Zealand home turned up two days later a little different -- it had been surgically castrated. Which is the opposite of how runaways usually return home.

Yellow-Livered Cab

Tyler A. Bryan is a Boston-area taxi driver facing drunken driving charges after he allegedly drove into a snowbank in Boston's Brighton section during a recent snowstorm. It is crazy that a white taxi driver still exists.

Smile, Your Wife Nearly Died

"I am so sorry for you loss... ooh, photo op at 7 o'clock."

Conan is Redbeard

Conan O'Brien said the experience of losing the "Tonight" show left him and his staff feeling like a band of pirates that stuck together through hard times. And like the Pittsburgh Pirates, in last place.

Aretha Franklin's 'Superb' Health

A month after surgery in Detroit for an undisclosed ailment, Aretha Franklin says her health is "superb." Aretha Franklin does not own a mirror or a scale.

Stephen Dorff's Mother Issues

Actor Stephen Dorff has dedicated his performance in the movie 'Somewhere' to his late mother. Dorff hated his mother.

Whatever Happened to Keith Foulke?

Leaving the Red Sox has really taken its toll on former closer Keith Foulke.

Do as Deval Says, Not as He Does

Declaring that the “American dream’’ is at stake, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick called on residents and their leaders yesterday to emulate sacrifices by previous generations and make the tough decisions necessary to leave the state in better shape for their children. He then cackled like a hyena and raised property taxes.

A Nice Two-Bedroom Sans Keys

Police arrested Dorothy Ingemi and Nicholas Matthews for advertising an apartment they didn't own and collected deposits from would-be tenants. The duo pleaded guilty to "doing exactly what real estate agents do."

Angry Rich Kids

Two Brookline High School students are being held on bail after they allegedly posted comments on Facebook that they would meet at the school and commit a mass homicide. They were reportedly upset that their respective inheritances were only in the mid-six figures.

Boom Goes the Package in Maryland

Officials are investigating packages that exploded at the Maryland Department of Transportation's headquarters in Hanover and a state government building in Annapolis. Initial reports are that the packages had Taco Bell for lunch.

A Doll and a Sandman Walk Into a Church...

A year after getting engaged, Dresden Doll Amanda Palmer and British writer and graphic novelist Neil Gaiman are married. This is the second marriage for Gaiman who hopes the nuptials will end speculation based on his last name.

Easy Auction

Late actor Dennis Hopper's extensive art collection, including a Warhol original, is up for auction and is expected to total near a million dollars. Most of the value comes from the cocaine residue left on many of the pieces.

Less Tragic Than 'Suicide Solution'

An Ohio man blamed "Ozzy Osbourne and his music" for the erratic driving that led him to receive a traffic ticket. One can only assume he was listening to 'I Don't Wanna Stop.'

Panda Moo

A rare miniature cow with markings similar to a panda bear was born on a farm in northern Colorado. This comes several months after shreds of bamboo and blood-soaked milk were found in the farm's barn.