Pay Up Junior

Arnold Schwarzenegger indicated in a court filing that he does not want to pay wife Maria Shriver spousal support or attorney fees as the couple ends their 25-year marriage. In a separate filing, Shriver indicated she did not want Schwarzenegger to fuck the maid.

Trebek in Jeopardy

Alex Trebek fell and snapped his Achilles tendon after chasing a burglar from his hotel room in San Francisco. What is 'sounds like a gay prostitute rolled him and this is a cover-up' for $600, Alex?

A Wal-Mart Brunch

A food booth in Syracuse will unveil the 1500 calorie "Big Kahuna Donut Burger" at this year's New York State Fair. In rural New York, the donut is only for people on a diet.

Not So Sensitive Songwriter

Authorities say that when a Pennsylvania woman complained that her songwriter boyfriend had never written a song about her, he choked her and hit her in the face. The couple then broke into a rendition of 'Proud Mary.'

Smash Browns

Potatoes that spilled from a tractor-trailer after a crash with a freight train are now being used to feed needy families in Delaware. In Delaware, it is 1840's Ireland.

Take the Painting, Leave the Cini-Stix

Taco Bell employees in suburban Cleveland told police that a group tried to make off with a painting valued at $157 that was hanging on a wall in the fast-food joint. The painting was a Jackson Pollack that depicted a toilet bowl after eating a chalupa.

Nice Job Larry

President Obama will engage in one of the country’s most sacred ceremonies on Tuesday when he awards the Medal of Honor to a living soldier, Army Sergeant First Class Leroy Arthur Petry. Obama said he is already looking forward to mispronouncing the Sergeant's name.

Taking a Gun to the T-Tops

A western Arizona man has received a three-month sentence after authorities say he shot his Camaro because it wouldn't start and then refused to come out of his home. He spent the next three hours watching 'Dukes of Hazard' reruns and cursed the world for not being 1986.