Alec Says Sorry

Alec Baldwin, who left 11-year-old daughter Ireland an angry voicemail last week - has said sorry in a taped message to air on "The View" on Friday. He tried to call her but for some reason reason, she would not accept his call.

Peeing on the Golf Course

A mother teed off by drunken golfers urinating near her house by the 18th hole resorted to videotaping the men after no action was taken on her complaints. She then sold the tapes to R. Kelly.

Oldest College Graduate

When 95-year-old Nola Ochs graduates next month, she will be the world's oldest college graduate. Last semester, Ochs became the oldest drunken hookup to do the walk of shame.

Money in the Bank

A La Vista man was charged with felony theft after he spent $80,000 his bank deposited by mistake in his account. Pleading 'Finders Keepers' was unsuccessful.

Run Runaway

A 12-year-old Taunton boy who ran away because he got a C on a report card spent the night out of the rain in a shed behind a business in town. He was coaxed home when told that C students end up getting elected President.

Kim Basinger's Leaking Problem

Kim Basinger denies she leaked a voicemail in which her ex-husband, Alec Baldwin, calls their daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig." She also said she is a huge liar.

Graduating from the University of Michigan

A 19-year-old suburban Detroit resident is on track to graduate from The University of Michigan after just a year of study. That's some curriculum up in Ann Arbor.

Captain America Makes a Bad Touch

A doctor dressed as Captain America was arrested after groping a woman at a bar and fighting with her boyfriend, authorities said. Since Captain America is dead, the woman is being charged with necrophilia.

Coyotes in the Store

Jim Haskell says the Select Comfort store he manages in northern Kansas City keeps its front doors open to encourage customers to come in. And that's not going to change just because a coyote wanders in. Especially since the coyote dropped $140 on a pair of Allen Iverson sneakers.

Tackling a Kid

A 4-year-old boy tackled by a college football player as he played along the sidelines during a game has 30 stitches in his head, but he's recovering well, his father said Tuesday. Dad is still on cloud nine after being on 4 different TV shows. He added, "I'm thinking of pimping out my 6 year old daughter if it means a little face time on 'Dateline."

Britney Spears: Supermom

Britney Spears is considering quitting pop music to be a stay-at-home mom. She finally figured out drug dealers make house calls.

Rock Paper Scissors Championship

A burly 64-year-old retiree who resembles jolly old St. Nick will be going mano a mano with other contestants in a national title bout -- in Rock, Paper, Scissors. Wow, a fat dude into something that requires zero physical movement.

Virginia Tech Back to Class

Thousands of Virginia Tech students and faculty filled the center of campus Monday to pay solemn tribute to the victims of the last week's massacre -- listening quietly as a bell tolled for the dead on the day classes resumed at the grief-stricken school. Unfortunately, no one could hear the bells over the sounds of 3,489 parasite reporters looking for comment.

Logan Airport Parking

The owners of hybrid cars will soon get preferred parking at Logan International Airport. It will still cost three month's salary to park there.

Yeltsin Dead

Former president Boris N. Yeltsin, who helped bring down the Soviet Union and led Russia on its stormy post-communist odyssey, has died at 76. Popov's stock dropped 92%.

Erik Estrada

Erik Estrada has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Must be a really long road.

I am a Drug User

A father says he wasn't trying to shame his 14-year-old son when he made the boy wear a large sandwich-board sign saying, "I abused and sold drugs." He just wanted everyone to know he was a failure of a father.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan said she felt safe being in rehab earlier this year, but she doesn't consider herself an addict. She also doesn't consider herself washed up and totally ruined her awesome body because she wanted to look like every other Hollywood skankbag.

Petered Coyote

A cagey urban coyote that eluded authorities in a nearly hourlong foot chase through downtown Detroit is expecting. Slut.

Kissy Feet

A former principal who kissed the feet of three male students to settle a bet on a volleyball game has been convicted of a misdemeanor sex charge. He is now the most sought-after assistant in Hollywood.

Don't Feed the Animals

A Cooper City commissioner wants to discuss a ban on feeding ducks after learning of a messy dispute between two neighbors. Darlene Goldberg, 56, said her neighbor feeds about a half-dozen ducks every day, which leads to poop all over her patio furniture. She also asked that her neighbor stop gfeeding her grandchildren.

Grave Danger

An elderly woman who broke her hip when she fell into an open grave as she tried to place flowers on a friend's casket is suing the town and the funeral home. She is being thanked, however, for 'eliminating the middle man.'

Really Drunk

A Woodinville woman arrested following two car crashes last week registered a .47 blood-alcohol content on a breath test -- nearly six times the legal intoxication threshold and possibly a state record. She is proud of her number because she is a big Bruce Hurst fan.

Big Hair in Beijing

Red hair and the big earrings are out for women Beijing cab drivers in the run-up to next summer's Olympic Games, a state-run newspaper reported Wednesday. Next stop: Jersey.

Don't Stare at the Chimps

We all know not to feed the animals that when visiting the zoo. Now the Antwerp Zoo has urged visitors to, please, stop staring at the chimpanzees. It is called the 'Extras on a Hollywood Set' Rule.

Salem High School

Salem High School is on alert after several teachers received notes promising violence on Friday, the eighth anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings and days after 32 people were massacred at Virginia Tech. It is also the 13th anniversary of my senior year at Salem High.

Natalie Portman Gay?

Natalie Portman admits she wouldn't rule out dating a woman even though she has never had a same sex experience before. Mostly to promote a new movie.

No More Jada Pinkett

Jada Pinkett-Smith would quit acting if it ever jeopardised her marriage. Somebody send Will Smith a hooker.

Burning Richard Gere

Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere on Monday after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her several times during an AIDS-awareness event. Talk about holding a grudge. 'Autumn in New York' wasn't that bad.

Virginia Tech Shooting

A Virginia Tech senior from South Korea was behind the massacre of at least 30 people locked inside a campus building in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, the university said Tuesday. Great, now there are psychos in both South and North Korea.

Drunk on a Lawnmower

A West Monroe man is free on bond after an arrest for driving while intoxicated -- on a lawnmower. Ouachita Parish sheriff's deputies booked Larry Minniefield, 48, on one count of driving while intoxicated and driving an unsafe vehicle. His lawn looks like crap.

Poopy Theft

A woman arrested for shoplifting has blamed the crime on irritable bowel syndrome, authorities said, according to The Daily Breeze of Cape Coral. This marks the first time that 'irritable bowel syndrome' and 'daily breeze' have been used in the same sentence with no hint of irony.

No Baby for You

Larry Birkhead said yesterday he doesn't plan to share legal custody of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a day after a court announced that DNA tests proved he is the father. Mainly because the baby's mother is dead.

Global Warming Kinda

Cities that rely on melting snow for water may run into serious shortages. This according to scientists without eyes.

Hostage Taker Kills Self

A gunman facing attempted murder charges barricaded himself inside an indoor shooting range with a group of hostages and held them for 10 hours before killing himself early Friday, authorities said. None of the hostages was hurt. The cleaning lady is pissed.

No More Hate Mail

Deirdre Imus, taking over husband Don's radio fundraiser after he was fired for comments about the Rutgers basketball team, demanded that hate mail to the team stop. Don promised to stop writing the letters.

Druggy Doctor

A Warwick, RI rheumatologist surrenders his medical license after state officials learn that he had ordered "gross and excessive quantities" of a narcotic prescription drug. His new practice in Beverly Hills opens on Friday.

Fire Wedding

Twelve hours after the bride-to-be's house went up in flames, a Virginia couple married. Fortunately for the bride, she inherited half a home half a day after her house burned.

Pricey Milk

The price of milk and some other dairy products are headed for record highs this summer. That's what happens when cows unionize.

Vonnegut Dead

Kurt Vonnegut Jr., whose blend of absurdist humor, science fiction, and antiestablishment politics made his novels "Slaughterhouse-Five" and "Cat's Cradle" campus classics in the '60s and '70s, died last night in Manhattan. So it goes.

Hanging at the White House

First Lady Laura Bush welcomed children and their families to the White House lawn Monday for the annual Easter Egg Roll. President Bush then sent them to Iraq.

Shooting in Troy

Three people were shot this morning in an office building in Troy, Michigan, and police is still searching for the shooter. It is viewed as the worst incident in Troy since the birth of Michael Moore.

Imus and Al

American radio talk show host John Donald Imus, Jr., aka 'Don' Imus, is to appear on the Rev. Al Sharpton's radio show today, Monday, Sharpton and MSNBC announced yesterday. Oh, I've heard this one. Two racists walk into a radio station...

Seize the Suing

A jury ordered the Los Angeles Unified School District to pay $7.6 million to the family of an epileptic boy who suffered a seizure at school and is now paralyzed in a minimally conscious state. Next up, the family is suing God.

No Posing for Charlotte Church

Charlotte Church will not pose naked while she is pregnant. Which is perfect because nobody asked.

Airport Shooting

A dispute between friends erupted in gunfire inside a car at Kennedy International Airport early Friday, leaving one man dead and a gunman on the loose, authorities said. Another reason not to ask a friend for a ride to the airport if you have an early flight.

I'm My Own Brother

A ruse worked for a De Queen man who used his brother's name after being picked up for another drunken-driving charge until he called his brother and asked him to bail him out of jail. Tito Jackson never tries to pull this off.

Parents Do the Darndest Things

Police say an unemployed suburban mother of five found a quick way to make ends meet: turning her children into panhandlers. Which is better than turning them into ballhandlers.

Running Off with a Teen

A 22-year-old Connecticut man who ran off with his boss's 13-year-old daughter will be heading to federal prison. Citing his favorite episode of 'Dateline: To Catch a Predator,' he pleaded "Oops."

Obama is Loaded

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has raised $25 million this year, almost matching his higher profile opponent Hillary Rodham Clinton and solidifying his bid for the party nomination. And proving racial guilt does have a price.

So Sue Me

A high school senior acknowledges he went too far when he mooned a teacher. But he thinks the decision of school officials to send him to a new school for the rest of the year was too harsh, so his family is suing. I'll say it: They're suing the pants off of them.

Wrong Ball

An Air Force veteran has filed a federal claim after an operation at a Veterans Administration hospital in which a healthy testicle was removed instead of a potentially cancerous one. In all fairness, they do look similar.

Romney No Shoot-ey

Mitt Romney's campaign is acknowledging that, despite his assertion that he was a longtime hunter, Romney, 60, had in fact hunted one summer as a teenager and then just once when he was in his late 50s. I'm confused, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Will the Boston Globe please tell me what to think?

Breakfast for Dinner

A new report says that as Americans move further away from the traditional workday, they are eating more breakfast foods beyond the traditional hours for the morning meal. In other words, America is hung over.

High School Surveillance

A $50,000 bank of surveillance cameras will be installed at Spaulding High School in the first phase of what officials say will be a campus-wide security plan. This should help curb the theft of tennis balls.

Namaing Your Kid Metallica

Metallica may be a cool name for a heavy metal band, but a Swedish couple is struggling to convince officials it is also suitable for a baby girl. The parents want to raise a girl who is going to be the best kid on the block for the first 8 years of her existence, then coast through the rest of her life on her reputation.

DUI on a Horse

A woman who went for a horseback ride through town at midnight and allegedly used the horse to ram a police car was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses, police said Tuesday. She admitted to eating a case of Godiva chocolates before the jaunt.

Fergie Lik-ey

Fergie has confessed to having a series of lesbian relationships. She wants to creep out both men and women.

Huckabee and Money

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said Tuesday that he's not daunted by having raised only a little more than $500,000 for his presidential exploratory committee in the first three months of the year. Huckabee is expected to raise $500,000 for every vote he will receive.

Mitt and Money

Mitt Romney on Tuesday credited his lead in Republican presidential fundraising to "a message that's connecting" and said he isn't worried about his relatively low standing in the polls. Damn, he's handsome.

Drunk in Court

A man who arrived at court drunk for a drunken-driving hearing was again charged with driving under the influence, police said. Police added they were glad he was not up on pedophilia charges.

Amy Winehouse Hurts

Amy Winehouse has admitted she used to harm herself. The 23-year-old singer - who was seen with scratches on her arms recently - used to cut herself when she was younger. And now she uses her music to harm others. Mainly in their ears.

Bono Knighted

Irish rock star and global humanitarian Bono became a knight of the British empire Thursday. I hope it doesn't go to his head.

Trafficking Organs

Illegal trafficking of human organs from poor to rich countries threatens to undermine donation programs in industrialized states and worsen a growing shortage, transplant experts said on Monday. We're on to you Angelina Jolie.

Picking Up the Young 'Uns

A weeklong sting operation led to the arrests of 28 men, three who claimed to be Disney employees, on charges of soliciting sex from a minor, authorities said. Tuesday. 8:00. NBC. Seriously. Watch.

Rising from the Ashes

Five months after a two-alarm fire tore through the famous Montilio's Bakery in West Quincy, destroying everything from the ovens to the counter tops, the city landmark has risen from the ashes. Firefighters used yeast to put out the fire.

Stealing from Building 19

Two men are scheduled to be arraigned this morning in Plymouth Superior Court in Brockton for allegedly stealing more than $4 million from Building 19 stores. $4 million should just about cover everything in every store.