Mel B(lind)

Mel B is suffering from a blinding eye infection. Which explains her hair.

J-Lo Pregnant

Jennifer Lopez's pregnancy has been confirmed by designer Roberto Cavalli. Finally, a nation can sleep.

Porking Up

A woman wants abuse charges filed against an acquaintance who was pet-sitting for her potbellied pig and allowed the animal to get fat. Married men across the nation are contemplating similar suits.

Touch My Feets

A 26-year-old musician has been charged with sexual abuse after police received reports from at least nine girls that he asked them for their socks and asked if he could rub their feet, sometimes in exchange for cash. He will now star in Quentin Tarantino's next film.

Smokin' Richie

Nicole Richie is still smoking, despite being seven months pregnant, it has been claimed. I prefer to call it 'old school.'

A Book for Spears

Lynne Spears is planning to write a book called "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" about raising her family in the media spotlight. Chapter 1: Don't Listen to Anything I Say.

Buying Beer

He may look young for his age, but 77-year-old Swedish retiree Per-Eric Henricsson was not flattered when his local supermarket asked him to show ID to prove that he was old enough to buy a case of beer. Apparently, he is an angry drunk.

Don't Tase Me Bro

A 26-year-old man who was hit with a Taser three times and bitten by a police dog was sentenced to three years in prison for stealing a snowplow at knifepoint and other charges. Upon his release, he is expected to get tenure at the University of Florida.

No Kissy Face with Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett's husband hated kissing her when she was dressed as Bob Dylan, because of her stubbly face. It was worse afterwards when she would insist on singing awful, overrated songs.

Listen to the Man

Actress Jamie Lee Curtis says California residents, not nature, are to blame for the raging wildfires. Duh! Cavemen invented fire. And where does that Caveman show tape? That's right. California. It's simple math.

Save Antioch

Alumni of Antioch College formally asked trustees Thursday to reverse their decision to temporarily close the 155-year-old school known for its social activism, saying they've raised $18 million primarily in pledges to keep it going. Unfortunately, the trustees did not ask permission to raise the money, violating Antioch's 'ask before you anything' policy.

Dr. Cop

A police officer made a traffic stop Thursday and ended up delivering the baby for the new parents who were speeding to the hospital. All parties are thankful the mother was not suffering from appendicitis.

Building Missles

Russian President Vladimir Putin today compared the US proposal to build a missile defense shield in Eastern Europe to the Cuban missile crisis. To complete the analogy, Putin dug up the corpse of Marilyn Monroe and he and his brother took turns banging her.

Don Vito in Trouble

An attorney said that former MTV personality Vincent Margera was in his "Don Vito" character during a visit to a skatepark where prosecutors said he fondled three girls. Margera plans on being in character when he's ***-****** in prison.

Finding a Diamond

A man visiting a diamond park with his fiancee found a 3.92-carat white stone, but it's not going to go onto the finger of his betrothed. He found a much more attractive woman.

Romney to Drop Out?

Tom Tancredo said he'd drop out of the presidential race if the Rockies lost -- if Mitt Romney would do the same with the Sox. Romney declined. Tancredo will go back to being irrelevant.

Down Goes Osmond.

Marie Osmond fainted onstage during ABC's live broadcast of "Dancing with the Stars" but quickly recovered. Two Snickers' and a Three Musketeers did the trick.

David Beckham is Awesome

David Beckham topped website AskMen.com's Top 49 Men of 2007 list, which saw over one million internet users vote for the most masculine male star. The demographics of AskMen.com is rumored to be '100% gay.'

Sitting On a Thief

A man who stumbled upon a burglar near his house did the only thing he could do until police arrived -- he sat on the thief. The man is now pregnant.

Mimicking Parrot

A noisy parrot that likes to imitate sounds helped save a man and his son from a house fire by mocking a smoke alarm, the bird's owner says. Good thing the man was not choking.

Columbus Is Not Popular

After unprofitably shuttling passengers between Boston to Columbus, Ohio, for the past year, JetBlue Airways Corp. said today that it will no longer fly that route as of Jan. 6. Both passengers are disappointed.

No Jail for Jadakiss

Prosecutors are dropping a drug-and-gun case against Jadakiss, a year after the rapper's arrest. Jadakiss wanted to post bail based on his own recognizance, but nobody knew who he was.

Robbing a Porno Store

A parolee faces charges of robbing a lingerie and adult novelties store after locking up a clerk with a pair of off-the-shelf handcuffs. Unfortunately, the handcuffs were edible and the clerk ate his way out and called police.

Radiohead's New Album

Radiohead's new album will be available via download, and consumers can pay whatever they feel appropriate. So, I took a dump on my keyboard.