Amy Winehouse Needs Publicity

Amy Winehouse will be kidnapped and "harmed" unless she pays a £100,000 ransom, it has been reported. Dear Santa: I know I am a little late, but as a belated Christmas gift, please give me the gift of this being true and she calls their bluff.

Gervais, Ricky Gervais

Ricky Gervais wants to be the next James Bond. He backtracked when he heard the James Bond films were not supposed to be funny.

Rudy Giuliani is Healthy

One week after a severe headache forced Rudy Giuliani to spend a night in the hospital, his doctor declared the Republican presidential candidate to be "in very good health." The doctor added, "He is in perfect shape to lose an election."

No More Nin the Cat

Nin the Cat, the regal ex-stray who patrolled the top of the Mount Washington Observatory, was carried off the mountain Wednesday for the last time and will live with some park rangers in the valley below due to old age and a recent infection claiming the last of his teeth. He is expected to be replaced with a cheaper, Mexican cat.

Arresting Santa

A man in a Santa hat was arrested Sunday night for investigation of drunken driving after he was spotted outside Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood wearing a wig, a red lace camisole and a purple G-string, police said. Is it weird that I have a boner?

Pete Doherty: Marathon Man

Pete Doherty is set to run the London Marathon next year. He is expected to shatter the record time after doing an eight-ball.

Ron Paul Fundraising

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, an anti-war libertarian who has clashed with his rivals over Iraq, raised a record $4.5 million in a one-day Internet fund-raising event on Sunday, his campaign said in a statement. In a related story, people have too much money.

Lieberman Likes McCain

Republican John McCain won the endorsement of independent Sen. Joe Lieberman on Monday as he tries to mount a comeback in his presidential bid. "If anybody knows what it is like to lose, it is me," said Lieberman.

Jodie Foster is Gay?

Jodie Foster has publicly confirmed she is a lesbian. Poor John Hinckley.

Led Zeppeline is Back...

... with a new lead singer, Dr. Who.

J-Lo Dos

Jennifer Lopez has fueled rumors she is expecting twins by purchasing matching pink and blue outfits embroidered with the words "prince" and "princess." In all fairness, Macr Anthony is very short.

Jessica Alba Breeds

Jessica Alba, the 26-year-old "Fantastic Four" actress is reportedly expecting her first child with boyfriend Cash Warren in late spring next year. Goodbye career.

Schilling Wants Johan Santana

Curt Schilling this morning said he is convinced the Red Sox will eventually complete a trade for Johan Santana. He is most excited about the celebratory cake.

Madonna is Vain?

Madonna has sparked facelift rumours after she was spotted leaving a medical centre with two black eyes. Either that, or she burned the pot roast.

Robbing Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron's home in the Hollywood Hills was burglarized. Theron has reported the incident to the police and is still making a list of what was taken. The first thing taken was her career.

Gawking at Jennifer Aniston

All Jevon Jackson wanted was to hang a picture of Jennifer Aniston in his room. But because his room was a cell at a Green Bay prison, the warden wouldn't allow it. The warden added, "Hey dummy, I have seen 'The Shawshank Redemption.'"

'Swift' Boating Romney

In an opinion piece today, Jane Swift tells N.H. voters that Romney's "flip flops" on abortion and other issues make him an easy target for Democrats. She also complained the grapes she was eating were 'sour.'

Nacho Libre: Thief

Police are looking for a man they say robbed a Genesee County convenience store wearing a wrestling mask like one seen in the Jack Black comedy "Nacho Libre." Mostly to ask him how he could possibly have liked 'Nacho Libre.'

Donating Hawaiian Shirts

Anyone can donate money to their favorite college. John McIntire turned over something of greater personal value: his collection of 700 Hawaiian shirts. Sight unseen, the over/under on McIntire's weight is set at 275 lbs.

Recycling in Las Vegas

A Las Vegas tour company is using leftover oil from restaurants to fuel a fleet of vans, showing that recycling can work even in a city known for excess. Soon the lights will run on saline and silicon.

Christmas Tree in Boston

A white spruce completed its 750-mile trip from Nova Scotia today and arrived at Boston Common, where the towering evergreen will serve as the city's official Christmas tree. It doubles as a toilet for the city's homeless.

Brad and Angelina Go to the Movies

Angelina Jolie brought her boyfriend, Brad Pitt, to the British premiere of her movie "Beowulf," but he let her have the limelight. "Trust me, the less I'm associated with that movie, the better," added Pitt, who then made whistling and explosion sounds.

White House E-Mails

A federal judge ordered the White House to preserve copies of all its e-mails, a move that Bush administration lawyers had argued strongly against. The administration was uncomfortable with the potential of someone spying on their emails.

Augustus Hawkins Dead

Augustus Hawkins, who was California's first black congressman and helped form the Congressional Black Caucus, has died. He was 100. He died waiting for a woman to ask him to dance.

Hampton Beach Ballroom Hates Wheelchairs

The Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom, a popular New Hampshire concert venue has settled a lawsuit over access for people with disabilities. Apparently, New Hampshire folk in wheelchairs love Eddie Money.

Pig Out

A semitractor tanker hauling about 6,000 gallons of liquefied hog manure tipped over, spilling half of the waste along an eastern Indiana highway, police said. Indiana has never smelled so good.

Manny Fernandez Not Kneeded

Boston Bruins goalie Manny Fernandez (knee strain) was today placed on IR. It is considered the top move in the brief career of GM Peter Chiarelli.

Boston Gangsters

Eleven alleged gang members described as "impact players" in Boston's most violent street wars have been taken into custody on drug and firearm charges in the last 10 days, law enforcement officials said today at a press conference. It was dubbed, 'Operation: Drive Down Blue Hill Ave.'

Rebecca De Mornay Arrested

Rebecca De Mornay has been arrested for investigation of drunken driving, a magazine reported Tuesday. It is tough to think of her being in her car after seeing her on a train.

Meatloaf Cancels Tour

Meat Loaf has canceled a European tour after developing a cyst on his vocal cords. Europe gets all the breaks.

Helping Amtrak

Perennially cash-strapped Amtrak has found a new way to generate revenue -- by turning an entire train into a moving billboard. Next step: Reading 'Atlas Shrugged.'

Discovery Lands

Discovery and its crew landed on Earth after a 15-day space station build and repair mission that was among the most challenging -- and heroic -- in shuttle history. I'm sorry, what happened?

Katie Holmes' Marathon Run

Katie Holmes was among the tens of thousands of runners participating in Sunday's New York City Marathon, finishing the race in 5 hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. Apparently she crawled the first 25 miles.

Ashley Judd Not a Fan of AIDS

Ashley Judd says education and prevention is the best way to combat AIDS and HIV, which disproportionately affect women and girls and prey upon the vulnerable and less fortunate. Yes, not getting AIDS is the best way to combat AIDS.

Santana Divorce

Deborah Santana, who described her guitarist husband as being unfaithful in her memoir, filed for divorce in Marin County Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences. She might want to cite the book as well.

No Sleep for Porkers

Researchers have found that every additional hour per night a third-grader spends sleeping reduces the child's chances of being obese in sixth grade by 40 percent. But how can the kid sleep after eating all that candy and playing Halo 3?

Daniel Craig is No Lesbian

Daniel Craig has vowed to never have plastic surgery - because he doesn't want to look "like a lesbian". He added, "I will, however, eat tons of pu**y."

Collecting Rubbers

Victoria Beckham has revealed her son Brooklyn confused his new teacher by telling him he collected rubbers. It was confusing, because they were all used.

Obama Mad at Broad

Democrat Barack Obama accused rival Hillary Clinton on Friday of hiding behind her gender after she was pummeled in a debate with six male candidates. He added, "As a black man, I find this disgusting."

Selling Breast Milk

A woman who doesn't want her breast milk to go to waste has taken out a newspaper ad in hopes of selling it. Martha Heller, 22, of Tiffin, took out the ad in The Gazette, offering 100 ounces of her breast milk for $200 or the best offer. Oddly, the ad was in 'back section' of the free, arsty newspaper.

Shooting Your Neighbor

A Malaysian villager who was aiming to shoot wild monkeys encroaching on his garden shot his neighbor instead, police said Friday. The neighbor suffered slight injuries. The villages was elected Vice President.

Haunting Aniston

Jennifer Aniston has been staying at a haunted hotel while shooting her new film. It is haunted by an overrated actress trying to steal her husband.

Boobie Blow

Britney Spears allegedly allowed a stranger to snort cocaine off her chest during a wild night of partying. Rookie. A pro has it done off her ass.

Shooting Arrows

An insurance broker who said he was playing with his bow to celebrate his birthday pleaded guilty Wednesday to charges related to shooting an arrow through a Manhattan neighbor's glass terrace door. No word if he was listening to 'Cat Scratch Fever.'

Torturing Mukasey

President Bush said attorney general nominee Michael Mukasey shouldn't be expected to answer questions about interrogation techniques on which he hasn't been briefed. A little torture, though, will get him to open up.

Mel B(lind)

Mel B is suffering from a blinding eye infection. Which explains her hair.

J-Lo Pregnant

Jennifer Lopez's pregnancy has been confirmed by designer Roberto Cavalli. Finally, a nation can sleep.

Porking Up

A woman wants abuse charges filed against an acquaintance who was pet-sitting for her potbellied pig and allowed the animal to get fat. Married men across the nation are contemplating similar suits.

Touch My Feets

A 26-year-old musician has been charged with sexual abuse after police received reports from at least nine girls that he asked them for their socks and asked if he could rub their feet, sometimes in exchange for cash. He will now star in Quentin Tarantino's next film.

Smokin' Richie

Nicole Richie is still smoking, despite being seven months pregnant, it has been claimed. I prefer to call it 'old school.'

A Book for Spears

Lynne Spears is planning to write a book called "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World" about raising her family in the media spotlight. Chapter 1: Don't Listen to Anything I Say.

Buying Beer

He may look young for his age, but 77-year-old Swedish retiree Per-Eric Henricsson was not flattered when his local supermarket asked him to show ID to prove that he was old enough to buy a case of beer. Apparently, he is an angry drunk.

Don't Tase Me Bro

A 26-year-old man who was hit with a Taser three times and bitten by a police dog was sentenced to three years in prison for stealing a snowplow at knifepoint and other charges. Upon his release, he is expected to get tenure at the University of Florida.

No Kissy Face with Cate Blanchett

Cate Blanchett's husband hated kissing her when she was dressed as Bob Dylan, because of her stubbly face. It was worse afterwards when she would insist on singing awful, overrated songs.

Listen to the Man

Actress Jamie Lee Curtis says California residents, not nature, are to blame for the raging wildfires. Duh! Cavemen invented fire. And where does that Caveman show tape? That's right. California. It's simple math.

Save Antioch

Alumni of Antioch College formally asked trustees Thursday to reverse their decision to temporarily close the 155-year-old school known for its social activism, saying they've raised $18 million primarily in pledges to keep it going. Unfortunately, the trustees did not ask permission to raise the money, violating Antioch's 'ask before you anything' policy.

Dr. Cop

A police officer made a traffic stop Thursday and ended up delivering the baby for the new parents who were speeding to the hospital. All parties are thankful the mother was not suffering from appendicitis.

Building Missles

Russian President Vladimir Putin today compared the US proposal to build a missile defense shield in Eastern Europe to the Cuban missile crisis. To complete the analogy, Putin dug up the corpse of Marilyn Monroe and he and his brother took turns banging her.

Don Vito in Trouble

An attorney said that former MTV personality Vincent Margera was in his "Don Vito" character during a visit to a skatepark where prosecutors said he fondled three girls. Margera plans on being in character when he's ***-****** in prison.

Finding a Diamond

A man visiting a diamond park with his fiancee found a 3.92-carat white stone, but it's not going to go onto the finger of his betrothed. He found a much more attractive woman.

Romney to Drop Out?

Tom Tancredo said he'd drop out of the presidential race if the Rockies lost -- if Mitt Romney would do the same with the Sox. Romney declined. Tancredo will go back to being irrelevant.

Down Goes Osmond.

Marie Osmond fainted onstage during ABC's live broadcast of "Dancing with the Stars" but quickly recovered. Two Snickers' and a Three Musketeers did the trick.

David Beckham is Awesome

David Beckham topped website AskMen.com's Top 49 Men of 2007 list, which saw over one million internet users vote for the most masculine male star. The demographics of AskMen.com is rumored to be '100% gay.'

Sitting On a Thief

A man who stumbled upon a burglar near his house did the only thing he could do until police arrived -- he sat on the thief. The man is now pregnant.

Mimicking Parrot

A noisy parrot that likes to imitate sounds helped save a man and his son from a house fire by mocking a smoke alarm, the bird's owner says. Good thing the man was not choking.

Columbus Is Not Popular

After unprofitably shuttling passengers between Boston to Columbus, Ohio, for the past year, JetBlue Airways Corp. said today that it will no longer fly that route as of Jan. 6. Both passengers are disappointed.

No Jail for Jadakiss

Prosecutors are dropping a drug-and-gun case against Jadakiss, a year after the rapper's arrest. Jadakiss wanted to post bail based on his own recognizance, but nobody knew who he was.

Robbing a Porno Store

A parolee faces charges of robbing a lingerie and adult novelties store after locking up a clerk with a pair of off-the-shelf handcuffs. Unfortunately, the handcuffs were edible and the clerk ate his way out and called police.

Radiohead's New Album

Radiohead's new album will be available via download, and consumers can pay whatever they feel appropriate. So, I took a dump on my keyboard.

Courtney Love and Drugs

Courtney Love has vehemently denied claims she introduced Jack Osbourne to prescription drugs. "My drugs are for me and my daughter," said Love.

Bradys vs. Beckhams

Gisele Bundchen, who is dating American football quarterback Tom Brady, insists she and Brady are nothing like the Victoria Beckham and her soccer star husband David because they separate their private life from their careers. And Brady can count to 10.

Tom Brady Likes Sammy Morris

Quarterback Tom Brady called Sammy Morris "powerful and explosive" today while talking about the backup running back's performance. "Much like my sperm," added Brady.

J-Lo Pregnant

Jennifer Lopez is pregnant, according to reports. And untalented, according to everyone.

Michael Jackson's Hair

Michael Jackson's hair reportedly takes three hours to style. Half of that is shaving the goat.

Guliani in England

Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani met with Britain's prime minister Wednesday and vowed the U.S. would take any action necessary to keep Iran from becoming a nuclear power. This should help Guliani secure the crucial London vote.

Cheney No Likey Greenspan

Vice President Dick Cheney on Wednesday disputed former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan's portrayal of the Bush administration's economic policies as fiscally reckless. Cheney demanded that Greenspan drop the word 'fiscally' from his comment.

James Blunt Loves Groupies

James Blunt admits he has an eye for the ladies and is happy to use his pop star status to bed as many beauties as possible while on the road. Unfortunately for Blunt, all his fans are gay men.

Oprah Winfrey Cares

Oprah Winfrey has four beloved pet pooches and has already set up a $30 million trust fund to take care of them should anything happen to her. Yup, she cares about poor people.

Sausage Fight

Some Lea County inmates set fires and broke toilets and windows after being told they would be allowed only one sausage at dinner. All this was done was done to avoid the smell after evacuating the sausages.

McDonald's Shooting

A 17-year-old boy accidentally shot himself in the leg while standing in line at a McDonald's restaurant and now he faces an illegal weapons charge. He was aiming for his stomach.

Deer Attack

A woman studying wetlands for an engineering firm was gored by a deer at a hunting preserve. The good news is that she now has enough venison to eat for a month.

Shaheen for Senate

Former NH Gov. Jeanne Shaheen will announce Friday that she will run for the U.S. Senate, a source familiar with her plans said. Her first move is to make sure people do not confuse her with Cindy Sheehan

Sharon hates Courtney Love

Sharon Osbourne hates Courtney Love because she allegedly gave her son Jack prescription drugs when he was just 15. For that reason and the Hole albums that Kurt Cobain did not write.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Shia LeBeouf let slip the name of the fourth 'Indiana Jones' movie at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. 'Let slip' is code for 'told to say.'

Burger King Fight

A man who tried to run over a Burger King worker while ordering breakfast had to settle for jail food instead. The man was reportedly 'ecstatic.'

The Patriots are Cheaters

San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman expressed little surprise at the allegations that the New England Patriots used an illegal camerman to steal opposing team's signals. "I don't look at it as the right thing to do," said Merriman. He then injected steroids.

Buzz Aldrin Speaks

Buzz Aldrin said a former astronaut charged with attempted kidnapping should be "admired" for allegedly avoiding stops when she traveled cross-country to confront a romantic rival, according to a published report. He then crapped his pants and talked about the time he arm-wrestled a lizard.

J-Lo-aoke

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony love singing karaoke together. The singer-and-actress admits she and her husband love belting out their favourite hits when they are at home enjoying family time with Marc's children. Call child services.

No Movies for Christian Bale

Christian Bale said he enjoys acting, but isn't interested in watching movies. Especially movies starring Christian Bale.

New E Street Tour

Bruce Springsteen is reuniting with the E Street Band for their first tour in almost five years. It has been dubbed the 'Clarence Clemons is Still Alive' tour.

Britney Spears' New Single

Britney Spears' new single could debut next week. It could be off the radio in two weeks.

Killer Cell Phone

A 21-year-old Hartford man was sentenced to 48 years in prison Wednesday for killing a convicted drug dealer during an argument over a cell phone. Apparently Connecticut is unfamiliar with Social Darwinism.

No More Tag

An elementary school has banned tag on its playground after some children complained they were harassed or chased against their will. The kids will have to bang their teachers instead.

Paul and Renee Sitting in a Tree

Sir Paul McCartney and Renée Zellweger have been spotted getting cosy at a New York concert. Best thing about Zelweger according to McCartney, "Two legs."

Roberto Benigni: O.G.

Shots rang out Tuesday night as a man shot a security guard who stopped him from getting in without a ticket at Roberto Benigni's show. Another case of lame on lame crime.

Owen Wilson's Suicide

Police confirmed that officers were called to Owen Wilson's home because of an attempted suicide report. Police can not confirm he just finished watching 'You, Me, and Dupree.'

Chicago Mobster

Prosecutors say Joey "The Clown" Lombardo was a "made guy," a lifelong member of Chicago's mob. Defense attorneys say he was just a "rent-a-gangster" who turned his back on crime long ago. Me thinks this lead "needs more quotes."

Hand on a Bike

Teenager Jack Baker had only planned to visit his girlfriend for 10 minutes. So he parked his motorcycle outside her home and left his prosthetic hand gripped to its handlebar. When he came back outside two hours later, the hand was apparently taken by a thief. But it was still better than giving an arm and a leg for a quickee.

Ron Artest Hearts Michael Vick

NBA star Ron Artest was glad to see troubled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick express remorse for his involvement in a dogfighting operation and would like to reach out to him. Vick added, "Hey Ron, you're not helping."

Pam Anderson's Casino

Pamela Anderson is reportedly set to open her own casino. Apparently, they are reopening 'Dunes.'

Tom Brady's Baby

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady became a father Wednesday when his former girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles. They named the child 'Oops.'

Klansman Going to Jail

James Ford Seale, an aging, reputed Ku Klux Klansman is facing life in prison for his role in the abduction and killing of two black teenagers more than 43 years ago. He is also the front runner to be elected U.S. Senator from West Virginia.

Not a Happy Turkey

The Turkish government condemned the ADL's decision to call the massacre of Armenians by Ottoman Turks a genocide. Great, looks like we are bombing another country.

No More Amy Winheouse

British singer Amy Winehouse has put her North American tour on hold. 14:58... 14:59... 15:00. Good-bye.

Bette Midler: Lumberjack

Bette Midler cut down more than 230 trees around one of her properties on the island of Kauai without a permit, and the state has recommended she be fined. Not for the trees, but for 'Wind Beneath My Wings.'

Kids are Fat

More than 1 million U.S. youngsters have undiagnosed high blood pressure, leaving them at risk for developing organ damage down the road, a study suggests. To help with diagnosis, Play Station 4 will come with a sphygmomanometer.

Kicking a Kid

A police officer has been charged with battery for kicking a teenager during a videotaped arrest at the city's Black Expo Summer Celebration, prosecutors said. Others want him nominated for 'Father of the Year.'

Gather Gallaghers

Noel and Liam Gallagher have been asked to join in a world record breaking attempt - to unite every Gallagher in the world. I think I know who's bringing the watermelon.

Seven Osmonds Reunite

The Osmond Brothers, joined by siblings Donny, Marie and Jimmy, took the stage this week to tape a 50th anniversary reunion show to be aired on PBS next year. Unfortunately, with all seven Osmonds on stage, there is no one left to watch the show.

Oedipus, Except Different

A woman was sentenced to 30 days in jail for claiming in court that she was her son's wife. Christopher Crowe, 25, was in court recently to plead guilty to four felony counts including residential entry and domestic battery. The other two counts were related to stealing a plot point from 'Tommy Boy.'

Jose Offerman Flips

Former Red Sox infielder Jose Offerman was arrested Tuesday night after charging the mound and hitting the pitcher and catcher with his bat during an independent minor league game. It was time in 6 years that Offerman had two hits in one game.

No Place For Hate

Under pressure from its Armenian residents, the Town Council in Watertown, MA voted last night to rescind its participation in the No Place for Hate program. It will now participate in the new 'F**k the World' program.

Britney Spears and MTV

Britney Spears is rumoured to be opening the MTV Video Music Awards. She will then pull the DVD out of the box and place it in the player.

Swimming in Sewage: I Love It!

Two workers at Boston's Deer Island sewage treatment plant were drenched in about 100 gallons of sewage when a pocket of pressure pushed sludge into an area where they were doing routine maintenance. They have been transferred to Newark.

Pulling Your Wife Over

An off-duty Elko County sheriff's deputy was arrested on charges of driving under the influence of alcohol after her husband, a fellow deputy, pulled her over. He had to pull her over because he was the county's only other cop.

Amy Winehouse Overdose

Amy Winehouse, who had been on a three-day binge before she was hospitalised last week, admits she was "out of control" and needs to get help. Mainly because her fifteen minutes are just about up.

Matt Damon: So Smart

Matt Damon believes "bad choices" have ruined Ben Affleck's film career. I believe Matt Damon is a rocket scientist.

Chris Noth is Back

Chris Noth will reprise his role as Carrie's love interest in the 'Sex and the City' movie. I can't believe he was available.

Stop Singing Coldplay

A woman attacked a karaoke singer belting out Coldplay on Thursday night, telling him he "sucked" before she pushed and punched him to get him to stop singing, bar staff said. Turns out the man was Chris Martin.

Limo Robbery

A woman who traveled in a limousine to a botched bank robbery attempt probably won't get such swank transportation to her next destination: prison. Unless she's famous.

Not What R.E.M. Had in Mind When They Wrote 'Nightswimming'

A man who decided to go for a late night swim in the buff was found hours later by rescue crews, hiding under a pier not far from where he jumped in the water, authorities said Sunday. The man was hiding because he was embarrassed by his shrinkage.

Mena Suvari Shaved

Mena Suvari has shaved her head. I still don't care about her.

Painful Testicles

When conventional medical professionals refused to remove a 62-year-old local man's testicles, police said he turned to mysterious "professionals" to relieve what he called chronic pain. They're called hookers.

Bloody Schooly

A public school principal accused of paying a woman to sprinkle chicken blood on the high school in an attempt to cleanse it of negative energy will be fired, the Department of Education said Tuesday. He did land a starring role in 'Carrie 2'.

Smuggling a Monkey

A man smuggled a monkey onto an airplane Tuesday, stashing the furry fist-size primate under his hat until passengers spotted it perched on his ponytail, an airline official said. Proving he had no sense of humor, the man's hat was not yellow.

South Carolina Primary

South Carolina will hold its Republican presidential primary earlier, setting the stage for New Hampshire and Iowa to follow suit. Not to be outdone, West Virginia has set September 30, 2007 as it primary for the 2012 election.

Pitt Paltrow Back Together

Angelina Jolie is reportedly furious with Brad Pitt for agreeing to star in a new movie with his former fiancée Gwyneth Paltrow. Jolie does not fear a reconciliation. She just knows Paltrow has not made a good movie since the 90's.

Travolta Needs Shade

John Travolta has his own personal parasol carrier to shield him from the sun. Mostly because he's an a**hole.

Iraq Needs Hope Plus

One day after making his first, brief visit to Iraq, Rep. Tom Allen said Tuesday the U.S. military and its in-country allies are doing their best but that the situation demands more than just hope. See Allen in his new movie, 'Captain Obvious.'

Pencil in the Head

After being plagued for 55 years with the torment of a pencil lodged in her head, a German woman has finally had it removed. When reached for comment, Homer Simpson added, "Copycat!"

Brett Ratner Fooled

Brett Ratner's said his first oral sex experience was with a man he thought was a woman. Not the first man Jackie Chan has tricked.

Eddie Murphy and Baby

Mel B has called on Eddie Murphy to play an active role in their daughter's life. He will play an ass.

17 Kids

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar welcomed their 17th child, and seventh daughter, into the world Thursday. On Friday, Michelle's vagina fell off.

Wrist Bands for Cops

Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday. Proving once again that cheating is cute.

Pitt Jolie Fight

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie allegedly got into a heated political debate about their preferred Democrat presidential candidates - Brad supports Barack Obama, while Angelina is backing his rival John Edwards. Both do agree that picking a candidate that will not win is the way to go.

Seven-Legged Lamb

A lamb born with seven legs will have to be euthanized, local media reported Thursday. But not before a beastiality fetishist has his way with it.

Boozing on Amtrak

Amtrak is offering $100 in free alcohol to customers who purchase tickets for some overnight trains. Unfortunately, one needs to actually ride the train to get the booze.

Another Shooting in Roxbury

Two are dead and another person was injured after gunfire erupted around 2 a.m. near Dudley Square in Roxbury, MA. It is not clear what sparked the shooting, police said, though most believe it was for quota reasons.

Prince's Oxygen Bar

Prince has reportedly demanded an oxygen bar run by three sexy women for his series of London shows. His driver must hold his breath inside the bar.

Daddy Federline

With his marriage to Britney Spears officially over, Kevin Federline is focused on giving their two young sons a secure upbringing outside the media glare so they can "pretend they're like everyone else," his lawyer said. Good thing he has nothing else going on.

Britney Spears Threatens Photographers

Britney Spears threw a baby bottle and threatened two photographers after they took pictures of her leaving a Las Vegas spa, the photographers said in a statement Tuesday. All are glad she did not throw a baby.

Debbie Harry's Face

Debbie Harry has confessed to injecting herself with sheep embryos to preserve her youthful looks. It didn't work.

A naked Catherine Zeta-Jones

Catherine Zeta-Jones wants to appear naked in a film. Unfortunatley, it is not 1997.

Star Jones' Belly

While she skirted questions about her dramatic weight loss for years, talk show personality Star Jones has now admitted to having gastric bypass surgery. She added that water is wet.

Text Messaging

Kevin Taylor, 30, of Minneapolis, lost out on a $1,000 first prize in a text messaging contest at the North Dakota State Fair because he forgot the punctuation mark at the end of a phrase that he and his sudden-death competitor had to enter. Now he is a double-loser.

Bringing a Gun on a Plane

John C. Megelich was arrested today after authorities said he tried to bring a loaded 38-caliber handgun onto a plane in his carry-on luggage. He was then signed by the New York Knicks.

J.K. Rowling Depressed

J.K. Rowling sank into a deep depression after completing the final 'Harry Potter' book. Mainly because the money-printing press is grinding to a halt.

Jason Priestley and Pee

Jason Priestley says his new baby daughter Ava is just like a rabbit - because she has urinated on him. Which also makes her like a freaky hooker.

Dead in Wisconsin

Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday. I'm moving to Wisconsin!

Cat Predicts Death

Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. Either that, or the cat is drawn to sounds of flatlining.

Trapped Under Ice

Large chunks of ice, one of them reportedly about 50 pounds, fell from the sky in this northeast Iowa city, smashing through a woman's roof and tearing through nearby trees. The chunks were 300 pounds, but global warming partially melted them on the way down.

Daniel Radcliffe Likes Music

'Harry Potter' star Daniel Radcliffe plans to spend his £20 million fortune on CDs and DVDs. What an idiot. Who pays for music?

Esai Morales No Me Gusta Herpes

Esai Morales has rejected allegations by an ex-girlfriend who sued the "NYPD Blue" star, claiming he assaulted her and gave her herpes. What we do know is that Esai Morales' ex-girlfriend has herpes.

Charlie Weis Loses Court Case

Charlie Weis, the former Patriots offensive coordinator lost his case against two doctors he claimed botched his care after he had gastric bypass surgery five years ago. The most damning evidence against Weis was his huge belly.

Sex Offenders on MySpace

MySpace.com has found more than 29,000 registered sex offenders with profiles on the popular social networking website, North Carolina officials said today. In second place was chrishanseniswatchingyou.com.

Lindsay Lohan Arrested

Lindsay Lohan, who just finished a second stint in rehab for substance abuse treatment, was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving and possession of cocaine early Tuesday, authorities said. Barrel. Fish. Pull trigger.

Ja Rule and Lil Wayne Arrested.

Rappers Ja Rule and Lil Wayne have been arrested and charged with criminal possession of a weapon in separate incidents, police said. To get a head start on tomorrow's entertainment stories, newspapers have been sent the following template: "Rapper(s) _____________ was (were) arrested and charged with _________."

Lary David Divorce

Laurie David cites "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for ending her 14-year marriage to 'Seinfeld' co-creator Larry David. "Irreconciliable differences" is Latin for 'banging another dude.'

Drunken Driving

A man trying to stop a friend from driving drunk after a block party was run over by the woman's car and killed, police said. Lesson learned, just let the drunks drive.

Hacking an iPhone

A team of computer security consultants say they have found a flaw in Apple's popular new iPhone that allows them to take control of the device. It is called the 'power' button.

Pimping in Prison

With the aid of a former prostitute, Devin Benders, 24, was convicted of inducing a minor into prostitution and was sentenced to the maximum prison term possible. Rap music is way off. Pimping is bad.

Oasis for Sale

Noel Gallagher's ex-wife is selling his belongings on the internet. No one is buying them, but they are being sold.

Ian McKellen Nervous

Ian McKellen says playing the title character in William Shakespeare's "King Lear" is more nerve-racking than his recent Hollywood film roles. Mainly because his daughters are trying to kill him.

Trashing a Hummer

A man's Hummer, a sport utility vehicle, was parked for five days on the street before two masked men smashed the windows, slashed the tires and scratched into the body: "FOR THE ENVIRON." The slashed tires will now sit in a landfill for 11 years.

Cape Cod Shooting

A 19-year-old was shot and killed on Cape Cod overnight while sitting in his home in Barnstable, police said. A disturbing case of rich, white on rich, white crime.

Hootie Hurt

Hootie & the Blowfish are again delaying the start of their summer tour as lead singer Darius Rucker recovers from a staph infection in his left knee. Rucker originally hurt the knee when attempting to build a time machine to bring him back to 1995.

Dave Chappelle is Tired

Dave Chappelle was hospitalized over the weekend for exhaustion, his publicist said Tuesday. Chappelle was tired from taking enough pills to kill a horse.

Crazy Woman

A woman convicted of hiring her lover to kill her husband is submissive and easily manipulated and has a disorder that could lead her to act against her own best judgment, a psychologist testified. Plus she's bat sh*t crazy.

Bored in Kentucky

A volunteer firefighter in south-central Kentucky was arrested after allegedly making false 911 calls because he was bored, police said. He was let off when he pleaded 'living in Kentucky.'

Kids and Animals

Authorities removed a miniature horse and seven dogs from a home strewn with feces and rotting produce and charged the owners with endangering their 12-year-old child, officials said Tuesday. But the horse-y was pretty.

No Spice for You

David Beckham has banned the Spice Girls from staying at his Beverly Hills mansion. After seeing recent reunion photos, Beckham did not want to foot the food bills.

Star Jones Weight Loss

Star Jones Reynolds says she will address speculation about her dramatic weight loss in a story for Glamour magazine. She felt the language in 'Gastric Bypass' and 'Stomach Stapling' magazine was too technical.

Coke Piano

When a grand piano played an off-key note, drug police in a Caribbean port opened it up and found some 560 pounds of cocaine stuffed inside. The piano was sent back to Elton John's house.

Calling 911

A 38-year-old man was arrested after he called 911 and told a dispatcher he was surrounded by police officers and needed help, authorities said. The dispatcher knew the man was not in real danger whe she figured out he was not a black man surrounded by white cops.

IHOP to Applebees

Ihop Corp., the largest US pancake-house chain, agreed to buy Applebee's International Inc. for $1.9 billion. They hope to now serve drunks all three meals.

Elton John's Washing Machine

Sir Elton John couldn't use a washing machine until he was 43. He always used club soda to clean out the DNA stains.

Gloria Trevi Suing

Mexican pop diva Gloria Trevi has filed a lawsuit for libel against a promoter who allegedly said she was an accomplice in her daughter's death, Trevi's lawyer said Wednesday. She also plans to sue the promoter for not promoting her enough for people to know who she is.

Drunken Harry Potter

Don't get your hopes up, gossip hounds. Daniel Radcliffe, who turns 18 later this month, isn't planning any trips to rehab or jail. Mainly because you don't plan a blackout.

Al-Qaeda back?

U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said on Thursday the threat to the United States from al Qaeda has not returned to levels seen just before the September 11 attacks nearly six years ago. He compared it to post-coitis.

Lindsay Lohan Likes Water

Lindsay Lohan wants to endorse bottled water now she is sober. Her favorite brand is 'Grey Goose' because it makes her insides 'all tinglely.'

Britney Spears' New Single

Britney Spears' new single will be called 'Get Back'. Paul McCartney just hung himself.

More Al-Qaeda Attacks?

Al Qaeda's second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahri, on Tuesday threatened more attacks on Britain, two weeks after failed bombings in London and Glasgow. al-Zawahri also hopes to break the streak of 356th straight 'second-in-command' to be killed before Osama bin Laden is caught.

Getting Out of Jury Duty

A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges. The man is now the front-runner in the 2008 Presidential election.

Cindy Sheehan Needs Attention

Cindy Sheehan officially announced that she intends to run as an independent against Pelosi in 2008 if the San Francisco congresswoman doesn't move to impeach Bush by July 23, the day she expects to reach Washington. Her experience consists of having a nervous breakdown for three straight years.

Clay Aiken Brawl

Singer Clay Aiken apparently got into a dispute with a woman during a flight to Tulsa, drawing some scrutiny from FBI agents but no charges, a newspaper reported. Cat Fight!

Punishing a Twelve-Year Old

Writing "I love Alex" on a school gymnasium wall brought a 12-year-old the same punishment as if she had made terrorist threats. Free healthcare, according to Michael Moore.

Hanging out in Roswell

At least 35,000 people have descended on Roswell this weekend for the 2007 Amazing Roswell UFO Festival to commemorate a purported flying saucer crash on a nearby ranch in July 1947. It is the only festival known to have more ass-probing than Burning Man.

A cat that spent nearly three weeks crossing the Pacific inside a shipping container with no food or water appears to be just fine. The cat passed the time by reading 'Life of Pi'.

Mindfreak Divorce

The estranged wife of "Mindfreak" star Criss Angel says the magic has gone from their marriage and she now wants to make him vanish from her life. Setting the record most cliches in a news lead.

Cuban Citizen

A 105-year-old Cuban-born man who had at least one pending wish finally had it fulfilled -- he became a U.S. citizen. That is one slow raft.

Taking Apart the iPhone

Within hours of the first iPhones going on sale Friday, enthusiasts scrambled to be first to discover what makes the devices tick, posting photos of disassembled phones online. These enthusiasts are also called pedophiles.

Sexy Vegetarians

Carrie Underwood and Kevin Eubanks have been named the "world's sexiest vegetarians" in PETA's annual contest. Just missing the cut was Michael Moore, when it was discovered that guzzling gallons of bacon fat disqualified him.

Aniston's New Love

Jennifer Aniston has told her new man he is better in bed than her ex-husband Brad Pitt. This, according to her new boyfriend who was the only person in the room at the time and it wasn't recorded or caught on film but totally happened.

DeNiro, Pacino... Cent?

50 Cent is set to star alongside Hollywood legends Al Pacino and Robert De Niro in a new film. The movie is planned for a late-2008 release. Also planned for late 2008, my suicide.

Drunken Thief

A 46-year-old man accused of robbing a Dollar General store at knifepoint Saturday was arrested about 15 minutes later at a bar less than a mile away. It was dollar draft night.

Prison Porno

Convicted sex offenders in Sweden are free to read pornography in their cells following a court ruling that has angered the prison service. No pictures though, just read.

Two Chicks Eating

Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller have been having competitions to see who can eat the most. Miller won when she forced down a second M & M.

David Hyde Pierce Won't Forget

David Hyde Pierce is helping start a campaign against Alzheimer's disease, which he saw two family members suffer from. Take that all you pro-Alzheimer's people!

Dogs DNA

Animal control officers in one southern Australian city are being trained and equipped to gather DNA clues at the scene of every dog attack on a human or pet, officials said Sunday. Sunday night Michael Vick announced he is never going to Australia.

New England Revolution Sales

Six home games into the season, the New England Revolutions's ticket sales are up 28 percent from last year's average, bring the average attendance up to 28.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is an Idiot

Catherine Zeta-Jones said in an interview with InStyle magazine: "I'm more insecure than I ever let anyone know." InStyle Magazine has just under 1.7 million readers.

High BAC

A Pierce County woman apparently tied a record for the amount of alcohol in her blood when the Washington State Patrol toxicology lab measured a blood-alcohol content of 0.50 two hours after she was arrested for investigation of drunken driving. Kids, pack up the car and a case of Jameson, daddy's going to Washington and he's coming back famous.

Armwrestling a Cheater

A Russian armwrestler was disqualified for cheating at a European competition after attempting to move to a lower weight class by sending a lookalike to the weigh-in, officials said Thursday. Authorities felt the move was over the top.

Pig's Blood Everywhere

A valve on a truck hauling animal waste from a Klamath Falls processing plant broke, spilling 4,000 pounds of pig blood. Sissy Spacek immediately started having flashbacks.

4Real for Real?

New Zealand authorities have blocked a couple's bid to officially name their new son "4real," saying numerals are not allowed. The parents decided to use their backup name, 'Myparentsareassholes.'

Marijuana Blaze

Firefighters who spent half an hour fighting a blaze in which 2,000 pounds of marijuana went up in smoke breathed so much of it that they would have failed a drug test, a fire chief said. Many firefighters claimed, "there was tons of coke and whiskey, too."

No Divorce for Catherine Zeta-Jones

Catherine Zeta Jones has vowed never to get divorced. Unless her new movie bombs, then it is 'Hello Tabloids!'.

Lindsay Lohan Finds God

Lindsay Lohan has found God, her father says. He was hiding under a pile of cocaine.

Jessia Biel on Tour

Jessica Biel has joined Justin Timberlake on his European tour again. They are not dating, she just has awful taste in music.

Scarlett Johansson is wide.

Scarlett Johansson used to worry her face was too wide. Fortunately for her, no one sees her face.

Oh No Mrs. Grace

Grace Uwanawich, also known as "Mrs. Grace," was sentenced this week in Maryland after admitting that she defrauded clients by convincing them to hand over tens of thousands of dollars so that she could crush destructive curses. A.k.a. she pleaded guilty to being a fortune teller.

World Cup Air

A Chinese company that once tried to sell land on the Moon has lost an appeal against a court ruling that stopped it from selling bags of "World Cup air," state media reported Wednesday. Dutch Oven air is still a go.

No Annulment for Kennedy

Sheila Rauch, the ex-wife of the former congressman, Joseph Kennedy II, told Time magazine that the Catholic Church reversed the couple’s annulment. Apparently, the check bounced.

James Gandolfini Confused

James Gandolfini told the Daily News in Friday's edition that he had "no idea" what to think was to happen to his character, the emotionally tortured mob boss and suburban dad Tony Soprano, after the HBO hit series' final episode closed Sunday with an abrupt cut to a blank screen. He added, "I'm just a dumb actor who got lucky. What makes you think I'd have any insight?"

Swallowing Marijuana

Police arrested a man for marijuana possession, but not before officers had to save him from choking after he apparently tried to hide the drugs by swallowing them. The next day he crapped out a Phish album.

Cream of Wheat Grave

A man widely believed to be the model for the smiling chef on Cream of Wheat boxes finally has a grave marker bearing his name. The tombstone reads, 'Here Lies the Punchline for Many a Racist Joke.'

Kelly Clarkson Cancels Tour

Kelly Clarkson's summer concert tour has been canceled due to disappointing ticket sales, three days after Clarkson fired her management team and just a week and a half before the scheduled June 26 release of the singer's third album, "My December." Next stop, shaving her head and entering rehab.

Oprah is Loaded

Oprah Winfrey is the top money-maker on this year's annual "Celebrity 100 Power List." She plans to buy another island while lecturing others to be more philanthropic.

John Travolta's Family

John Travolta says his family are "like the Addams Family". Irrelevant.

Dan Aykroyd Wine

The Dan Aykroyd Winery, which will showcase souvenirs from the actor's career, will be located near the town of Lincoln, Ontario, in the heart of the province's vineyards. Any wine made after 1990 will be horrible.

NASA Mission Goes as Planned

A headline you will never see.

No Girlfriend for You

A judge has ruled that a 24-year-old Canadian man is not allowed to have a girlfriend for the next three years. He plans on mastering 'Halo 2' in his spare time.

Mellencamp and the Boston Pops

John Mellencamp will celebrate Independence Day with the Boston Pops. The plan is to play 'This is Our Country' every 2 minutes.

Crying Judge

A judge had to leave the courtroom with tears running down his face Tuesday after recalling the lost pair of trousers that led to his $54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaner. He was quoted as 'having his panties in a bunch.'

50 MPH Wheelchair

A truck driver whose rig snagged a man in his wheelchair and unknowingly pushed him at speeds up to 50 mph for miles will not face any criminal charges, authorities said. He was also offered a job at Six Flags.

Old People Fighting

Testimony began Tuesday against a 76-year-old man accused of beating his 81-year-old neighbor with a hammer after she refused to give him gambling money. Another case of colostomy bag on colostomy bag crime.

Stay-at-Home Dads

Men may receive higher salaries in the workplace, but the annual value of services provided by a stay-at-home dad is $128,755 - or nearly $10,000 less than those provided by a stay-at-home mom. Salary.com cites a stay-at-home father's inablity to have a prostitution ring on the side as the main reason for the discrepancy.

Paris Hilton Released

Three days after Paris Hilton checked into jail, sheriff's deputies called a news conference Thursday morning as a Web site reported that Hilton had somehow been released early. Our long national nightmare is over. This is also the first time that 'release' and 'Paris Hilton' were in the same sentence on an internet site that did not include a video link.

Gisele Bundchen Pro-Condom

Gisele Bundchen is the biggest international star on the runway during Rio's Fashion Week, but she's also making headlines for criticizing the Roman Catholic church's opposition to condom use and abortion. An odd stance since boyfriend Tom Brady is not a big fan of condoms.

Former President Bill Clinton told 1,700 Harvard University seniors Wednesday that he had a suspicion why he was invited to their Class Day celebration. Though he definitely knows why he spoke. The six-figure pay day.

Night in Jail

A man who called police when clerks refused to refund his money when he decided to not stay at their motel ended up with free accommodations anyway -- at the county jail. But they did not leave the light on for him.

Angelina Jolie's Legacy

Angelina Jolie wants to be remembered for her humanitarian work, not as an actress. I'll take c) the bat-sh*t, crazy broad who used to wear Billy Bob Thornton's vial of blood around her neck.

Energy Drink

A man has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. Thousands of hack female comics have lined up to deliver their clever "Don't call the hospital, call me!" line.

Kissy Feet

A former Catholic school principal convicted of kissing the feet of three male students to settle a bet on a volleyball game was sentenced Tuesday to two years' probation. He was hoping for prison.

Dry Cleaning Lawsuit

A judge who was seeking $67 million from a dry cleaners that lost his pants has loosened the belt on his lawsuit. Now, he's asking for only $54 million, according to a May 30 court filing in D.C. Superior Court. His new motto is '20% less a**hole.'

Hot Dog Eating Contest

A California man smashed the world record for hot dog eating at a contest Saturday, gobbling up more than 59 franks in 12 minutes. Sunday, he smashed the bowel movement record.

Wild Turkey

Wild turkeys have been showing up on the streets of a Detroit suburb, pecking at windows and eating from bird feeders. Big deal, wild turkey has been kicking the crap out of my liver for years.

Buried Treasure

It wasn't buried treasure, but a boy working in his grandmother's garden pulled from the ground a wooden box that contained a Chrysler emblem, a tealight candle and newspapers from 1952, among other items. The full story can be found in the newspaper article titled, 'Slowest News Day Ever.'

Killing in Iraq

On a video released today, Al Qaeda-linked insurgents said they killed three American soldiers after capturing them in Iraq. A.k.a it is Monday.

Paula Abdul Finds Purpose

Grammy Award-winning singer Paula Abdul says she didn't figure out her purpose in life until she became a judge on Fox network's "American Idol." She now knows her purpose in life is to take copious amounts of vicadin and slur her way through a natioanally televised program.

Police Distract Guards

Sears corporate officials have apologized to two police officers who were told to leave the retailer's store at a Des Moines mall because their uniforms distracted the store's security guards. Oddly, the half dozen strippers wearing clear heels and glitter thongs that disracted the guards were not asked to leave.

Cocaine in Rome

A report from Italy's National Research Council released Thursday found that there are traces of cocaine and cannabis in the air of Rome. Linday Lohan immediately moved to Rome.

Hiding Christmas Lights

A woman was sent to jail for six months after failing to repay $56,134 to investors who were told they'd get rich with an invention that keeps outdoor Christmas lights hidden. After investing in something that hides Christmas lights, the investors dropped the rest of their money in submarines with screen doors.

Easing Up on Hinckley

A federal judge on Friday gave John W. Hinckley's doctors more flexibility to help the would-be presidential assassin rejoin society. In other words, Hinckley finally got to see 'Inside Man.'

Accidental Overdose for Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton was rushed to the hospital after accidentally mixing her medication with alcohol. I once 'accidentally' mixed my Jack Daniel's with Jameson and had the same reaction.

Pirate of the Caribbean 4?

Johnny Depp wants to star in another two "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. Depp, who plays Captain Jack Sparrow, insists he is not ready to say goodbye to his beloved character. But mostly he'll miss the paychecks.

Wrestling a Cat

A man clad only in underwear and a T-shirt wrestled a wild leopard to the floor and pinned it for 20 minutes after the cat leapt through a window of his home and hopped into bed with his sleeping family. He then made sweet, methodical love to the feline.

TPing a House

Police ticketed a 39-year-old woman this week after she allegedly drove seven kids to a teacher's home to toilet paper it. In all fairness, the house did look like crap.

No Salary for Romney

Republican Mitt Romney, conceding that his business career helped him make more money than he expected, said Tuesday he would likely give his presidential salary -- and more -- to charity. He is still unsure if he will take advantage of the George W. Bush 52 weeks of paid vacation standard.

Kylie Minogue Manhunt

Kylie Minogue has reportedly hired a team of personal assistants to help her find a man. Two words for you honey: Dorechester, Massachusetts.

Finding Your Wallet

A man who lost his wallet in 1970 got it back after 37 years with everything still inside. I would not recommend using the condom.

Stealing Mastodon

Thieves stole a 65-pound mastodon jawbone and other artifacts from a display at a bait and tackle shop. Chris Amstutz, owner of White River Bait & Tackle, said someone entered through a window early Monday morning and took the items that he had collected through the years. The thieves were described as a 'colony of birchmen.'

Falling Out a Window

A 3-year-old fell from his fifth-floor apartment but was recovering Thursday, authorities said. Connor Ehlers suffered a lacerated head, among other injuries, and was in fair condition, hospital officials said. If you name your child Connor, keep him away from windows. Ask Eric Clapton.

Paula Abdul's Nose

The "American Idol" judge broke her nose after she fell while trying to avoid stepping on her dog. Lesson learned: don't do coke off your dog.

Pot Candy

The Hershey Co. has sued a 40-year old man, for giving his marijuana goodies names like Stoney Rancher, Rasta Reese's and Keef Kat. Each came in packaging similar to Hershey's Jolly Rancher, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Kit Kat candies, according to the Drug Enforcement Administration. Burnouts across the country now fear Duncan Hines.

Shot to the Head

A small-caliber bullet struck 37-year-old Michael Lusher in the head as he slept Sunday morning, but he didn't realize it until he awoke nearly four hours later and noticed blood coming from his head, said Cpl. R.H. McQuaid of the Cabell County Sheriff's Department. Lusher was drunk.

Angry Squirrel

A 47-year-old woman who wanted to help a sickly squirrel ended up being scratched and bitten by the animal, according to a police report. That is why I stay away from homeless people.

Anne Heche

Anne Heche’s estranged husband has accused her of being "bizarre and delusional". He then added that tomorrow is Saturday.

Carnegie Mellon Mascot

More than a century after Carnegie Mellon University opened its doors, the school is getting an official mascot. It is a rich kid.

Animals in the Fire

Firefighters responding to a small basement fire Thursday morning were startled to find a 10-foot python, two cobras, tarantulas and an assortment of other creatures inside. And hot flames.

Virginia Tech Student Released

A student who was shot in the face during last month's rampage at Virginia Tech has left the hospital, a spokesman said Friday. Unfortunately, because he was absent, he failed his final.

Demi Moore No Pregnancy

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's marriage is allegedly under pressure because of their failure to have a baby. I don't want to point fingers but only one of them is in their 40s.

Friendly Fire

Two sets of Pittsburgh-area brothers, including one pair who were firefighters, face charges that they set fires for fun. They also love early 80's Def Leppard.

VIP Movie Theaters

National Amusements, which operates more than 1,500 movie screens worldwide, today unveiled some details of a new version of its Cinema de Lux concept that includes a special seating area that seeks to pamper movie-goers with a "special VIP experience." Perk #1 is no Will Smith movies.

The Next Tom Brady?

Patriots rookie quarterback Matt Gutierrez has been compared to Tom Brady for his character. I, too, am very much like Tom Brady, because I am white.

Intercontinental Date

Justin Timberlake flew his actress lover Jessica Biel to the UK just so they could go on a date - quashing reports they are no longer an item. The date consisted of tons of banging.

Lindsay Lohan's New Movie

Lindsay Lohan has agreed to have sex on screen to prove she’s a great actress. Let me be the first to say she is awful at cleaning apartments.

Barney Frank Injured

U.S. Rep. Barney Frank has undergone minor surgery to repair a ruptured tendon in his left arm, his congressional office said Tuesday. So no hand jobs for a week.

Forgetting Your Wallet

A man accused of robbing a fast-food restaurant left lots of clues to his identity, police said. He dropped his wallet, which contained a photo identification card, his Social Security card and birth certificate, according to police. Good thing the thief was not an illegal immigrant.

Workers Compensation

Massachusetts Worker's Compensation Rates were cut by about 17 percent, leading to an estimated $170 million in savings for Mass. businesses, the state said today. Coincidentally, reservations at high-end stakeouts are at an all-time high.

Bruce Willis Upset

Bruce Willis is furious his "yippe-ki-yay, motherf**ker" catchphrase has been cut from his new 'Die Hard' movie. If the producers could cut out the remaining 102 minutes, that'd be great too.

Megan Fox

'Transformers' star Megan Fox quit waitressing because customers couldn't keep their hands off her "hot" body. Plus she was completely full of herself.

Smells Fishy

Rescuers cut through a filtration tank of dense fish feces to reach four workers who fell into the sludgy dung Friday while cleaning the 18-foot tank at a western Massachusetts farm. The workers are required to spend a week in New Jersey until the stink goes away.

Chinese Cat

After Eric Congdon opened a crate from China and discovered a cat inside, coming up with a name for the furry stowaway was easy. He named it 'Crab Rangoon.'

In and Out of Jail

A bumbling intruder broke into an empty New Zealand police station and accidentally locked himself in a cell, but managed to smash his way out again just before authorities arrived. See this and more on next season's 'Prison Break: Down Under.'

Ashley Judd Graduates

Ashley Judd received a bachelor's degree in French over the weekend from the University of Kentucky. She will now make awful movies in two languages.

Gun in the Bathroom

A Napa County sheriff's deputy walked into a bar bathroom and left without his gun, authorities said. The out-of-uniform officer forgot his loaded service revolver in the restroom of the Tradewinds Bar in downtown Cotati late Friday. And he did not even courtesy flush.

Stealing from Wal-Mart

Wal-Mart doesn't want thieves on its property, including two convicted shoplifters ordered by a judge to stand outside with signs reading "I am a thief, I stole from Wal-Mart." Other signs said, "I am white trash."

Tweeter Going Broke

Tweeter, the Canton, Mass., specialty-electronics retailer said it may choose to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection if it isn't able to raise enough money. Probably not a good idea to take a job if offered.

Pam Anderson's Son

Pamela Anderson's 10-year-old son chases away paparazzi with a baseball bat. Like father, like son, except substitute paparazzi with Pam, and baseball bat with fist.

Liv Tyler Will Exist.

Liv Tyler has vowed never to become a size zero. So has Rosie O'Donnell.

Kidney for an Ex

After more than 10 years of marriage, Chip and Cindy Altemos agreed about 5 years ago to separate, see other people, and begin divorce proceedings. But when 48-year-old Chip was hospitalized with kidney failure in September, Cindy, 49, offered him one of hers. He gave up half his money in exchange for half her kidneys.

Protesting Research

A colorful band of about 150 people paraded through mostly empty streets in Roxbury and the South End yesterday in an attempt to rally opposition to a high-security research laboratory now under construction at Boston University Medical Center. The demonstration was part of the pro-dumb movement.

Barry Bonds and Steriods

According to an ESPN/ABC News poll, 37 percent of black fans think Bonds used steroids. Coicidentally, 63 percent of black fans are retarded.

R. Kelly Sings for Virginia Tech

R. Kelly has written a new song, "Rise Up," about healing in the aftermath of the April 16 shootings at Virginia Tech. Officials at Virginia Tech added, "Thanks. But no thanks."

Toey Maguire Loves Kids

Tobey Maguire said he didn't leave his daughter's side for three weeks after she was born. He is also a huge liar.

Taco Reward

The owner of a Mexican restaurant in Utah is offering 500 tacos for information that leads to the arrest of the person who stole about $3,000. The owner is hoping the thief is enemies with a really fat dude.

Cheating at Duke

Duke University's Fuqua School of Business disciplined 34 first-year master of business administration students who were caught in the school's largest cheating scandal. Jesse Jackson added, "See, I told you. Duke students are up to no good. Another point for Jesse!"

Immigration Rally

Immigrant advocates in Massachusetts have planned a series of marches today from Springfield to Boston to coincide with May Day rallies across the nation as organizers try to build on the protests last year that drew more than 1 million people. Immigration activists felt the best way to demostrate that immigrants are not here to leech off the government is to not work and protest at great expense to the government.

Brady Helps Moss

Tom Brady agreed to restructure his contract to clear cap space for Randy Moss. A risky proposition considering the explosiveness of Brady's sperm.

Alec Says Sorry

Alec Baldwin, who left 11-year-old daughter Ireland an angry voicemail last week - has said sorry in a taped message to air on "The View" on Friday. He tried to call her but for some reason reason, she would not accept his call.

Peeing on the Golf Course

A mother teed off by drunken golfers urinating near her house by the 18th hole resorted to videotaping the men after no action was taken on her complaints. She then sold the tapes to R. Kelly.

Oldest College Graduate

When 95-year-old Nola Ochs graduates next month, she will be the world's oldest college graduate. Last semester, Ochs became the oldest drunken hookup to do the walk of shame.

Money in the Bank

A La Vista man was charged with felony theft after he spent $80,000 his bank deposited by mistake in his account. Pleading 'Finders Keepers' was unsuccessful.

Run Runaway

A 12-year-old Taunton boy who ran away because he got a C on a report card spent the night out of the rain in a shed behind a business in town. He was coaxed home when told that C students end up getting elected President.

Kim Basinger's Leaking Problem

Kim Basinger denies she leaked a voicemail in which her ex-husband, Alec Baldwin, calls their daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig." She also said she is a huge liar.

Graduating from the University of Michigan

A 19-year-old suburban Detroit resident is on track to graduate from The University of Michigan after just a year of study. That's some curriculum up in Ann Arbor.

Captain America Makes a Bad Touch

A doctor dressed as Captain America was arrested after groping a woman at a bar and fighting with her boyfriend, authorities said. Since Captain America is dead, the woman is being charged with necrophilia.

Coyotes in the Store

Jim Haskell says the Select Comfort store he manages in northern Kansas City keeps its front doors open to encourage customers to come in. And that's not going to change just because a coyote wanders in. Especially since the coyote dropped $140 on a pair of Allen Iverson sneakers.

Tackling a Kid

A 4-year-old boy tackled by a college football player as he played along the sidelines during a game has 30 stitches in his head, but he's recovering well, his father said Tuesday. Dad is still on cloud nine after being on 4 different TV shows. He added, "I'm thinking of pimping out my 6 year old daughter if it means a little face time on 'Dateline."

Britney Spears: Supermom

Britney Spears is considering quitting pop music to be a stay-at-home mom. She finally figured out drug dealers make house calls.

Rock Paper Scissors Championship

A burly 64-year-old retiree who resembles jolly old St. Nick will be going mano a mano with other contestants in a national title bout -- in Rock, Paper, Scissors. Wow, a fat dude into something that requires zero physical movement.

Virginia Tech Back to Class

Thousands of Virginia Tech students and faculty filled the center of campus Monday to pay solemn tribute to the victims of the last week's massacre -- listening quietly as a bell tolled for the dead on the day classes resumed at the grief-stricken school. Unfortunately, no one could hear the bells over the sounds of 3,489 parasite reporters looking for comment.

Logan Airport Parking

The owners of hybrid cars will soon get preferred parking at Logan International Airport. It will still cost three month's salary to park there.

Yeltsin Dead

Former president Boris N. Yeltsin, who helped bring down the Soviet Union and led Russia on its stormy post-communist odyssey, has died at 76. Popov's stock dropped 92%.

Erik Estrada

Erik Estrada has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Must be a really long road.

I am a Drug User

A father says he wasn't trying to shame his 14-year-old son when he made the boy wear a large sandwich-board sign saying, "I abused and sold drugs." He just wanted everyone to know he was a failure of a father.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan said she felt safe being in rehab earlier this year, but she doesn't consider herself an addict. She also doesn't consider herself washed up and totally ruined her awesome body because she wanted to look like every other Hollywood skankbag.

Petered Coyote

A cagey urban coyote that eluded authorities in a nearly hourlong foot chase through downtown Detroit is expecting. Slut.

Kissy Feet

A former principal who kissed the feet of three male students to settle a bet on a volleyball game has been convicted of a misdemeanor sex charge. He is now the most sought-after assistant in Hollywood.

Don't Feed the Animals

A Cooper City commissioner wants to discuss a ban on feeding ducks after learning of a messy dispute between two neighbors. Darlene Goldberg, 56, said her neighbor feeds about a half-dozen ducks every day, which leads to poop all over her patio furniture. She also asked that her neighbor stop gfeeding her grandchildren.

Grave Danger

An elderly woman who broke her hip when she fell into an open grave as she tried to place flowers on a friend's casket is suing the town and the funeral home. She is being thanked, however, for 'eliminating the middle man.'

Really Drunk

A Woodinville woman arrested following two car crashes last week registered a .47 blood-alcohol content on a breath test -- nearly six times the legal intoxication threshold and possibly a state record. She is proud of her number because she is a big Bruce Hurst fan.

Big Hair in Beijing

Red hair and the big earrings are out for women Beijing cab drivers in the run-up to next summer's Olympic Games, a state-run newspaper reported Wednesday. Next stop: Jersey.

Don't Stare at the Chimps

We all know not to feed the animals that when visiting the zoo. Now the Antwerp Zoo has urged visitors to, please, stop staring at the chimpanzees. It is called the 'Extras on a Hollywood Set' Rule.

Salem High School

Salem High School is on alert after several teachers received notes promising violence on Friday, the eighth anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings and days after 32 people were massacred at Virginia Tech. It is also the 13th anniversary of my senior year at Salem High.

Natalie Portman Gay?

Natalie Portman admits she wouldn't rule out dating a woman even though she has never had a same sex experience before. Mostly to promote a new movie.

No More Jada Pinkett

Jada Pinkett-Smith would quit acting if it ever jeopardised her marriage. Somebody send Will Smith a hooker.

Burning Richard Gere

Angry crowds in several Indian cities burned effigies of Richard Gere on Monday after he swept a popular Bollywood actress into his arms and kissed her several times during an AIDS-awareness event. Talk about holding a grudge. 'Autumn in New York' wasn't that bad.

Virginia Tech Shooting

A Virginia Tech senior from South Korea was behind the massacre of at least 30 people locked inside a campus building in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, the university said Tuesday. Great, now there are psychos in both South and North Korea.

Drunk on a Lawnmower

A West Monroe man is free on bond after an arrest for driving while intoxicated -- on a lawnmower. Ouachita Parish sheriff's deputies booked Larry Minniefield, 48, on one count of driving while intoxicated and driving an unsafe vehicle. His lawn looks like crap.

Poopy Theft

A woman arrested for shoplifting has blamed the crime on irritable bowel syndrome, authorities said, according to The Daily Breeze of Cape Coral. This marks the first time that 'irritable bowel syndrome' and 'daily breeze' have been used in the same sentence with no hint of irony.

No Baby for You

Larry Birkhead said yesterday he doesn't plan to share legal custody of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, a day after a court announced that DNA tests proved he is the father. Mainly because the baby's mother is dead.

Global Warming Kinda

Cities that rely on melting snow for water may run into serious shortages. This according to scientists without eyes.

Hostage Taker Kills Self

A gunman facing attempted murder charges barricaded himself inside an indoor shooting range with a group of hostages and held them for 10 hours before killing himself early Friday, authorities said. None of the hostages was hurt. The cleaning lady is pissed.

No More Hate Mail

Deirdre Imus, taking over husband Don's radio fundraiser after he was fired for comments about the Rutgers basketball team, demanded that hate mail to the team stop. Don promised to stop writing the letters.

Druggy Doctor

A Warwick, RI rheumatologist surrenders his medical license after state officials learn that he had ordered "gross and excessive quantities" of a narcotic prescription drug. His new practice in Beverly Hills opens on Friday.

Fire Wedding

Twelve hours after the bride-to-be's house went up in flames, a Virginia couple married. Fortunately for the bride, she inherited half a home half a day after her house burned.

Pricey Milk

The price of milk and some other dairy products are headed for record highs this summer. That's what happens when cows unionize.

Vonnegut Dead

Kurt Vonnegut Jr., whose blend of absurdist humor, science fiction, and antiestablishment politics made his novels "Slaughterhouse-Five" and "Cat's Cradle" campus classics in the '60s and '70s, died last night in Manhattan. So it goes.

Hanging at the White House

First Lady Laura Bush welcomed children and their families to the White House lawn Monday for the annual Easter Egg Roll. President Bush then sent them to Iraq.

Shooting in Troy

Three people were shot this morning in an office building in Troy, Michigan, and police is still searching for the shooter. It is viewed as the worst incident in Troy since the birth of Michael Moore.